I haven’t seen Iron Man 1. I missed it when it was in the cinemas and missed it on DVD as I was in Lough Gard Military hospital, recovering from having seen Transformers 2: Revenge of the fallen. Whilst re-learning to use my legs (having chewed them off during Transformers 2) the nurses wouldn’t allow me to watch Iron Man as they felt it would be too similar. Though my friends assured me it was “pretty enjoyable fun”, my first introduction to the world of Iron Man was its sequel. Its awful sequel.

Iron Man 2 is about as much fun as having a bus load of easily-offended 2^nd wave feminists arrive at your birthday party, and this is from a man who essentially enjoyed 2012 for the mindless spoonfed madness that it was. So how is Iron Man 2 worse?

Basically a film of this variety will work if the action sequences are strong enough, and in this film they’re nowhere near that good. People don’t always need to be intellectually stimulated, and as a physicist myself, I can personally attest to how far clear of this type of entertainment Iron Man 2 was intent on steering. But unlike 2012 which plots a clear course to stupid canyon, Iron Man 2 puts the car into 1^st with lots of dialogue and then tries to impress us by shouting loudly as it goes over the occasional speed bump. Seatbelts on everyone!! We’re in for a mild drive!

Due to some error when I was watching it, the movie stopped half way through and the lights came on. During this break I asked the couple beside me what they thought.

They sorta looked at me, their greasy hands trembling towards a cowpat sized wad of popcorn mush, staring at me intently, just content to chew the cud as they thought about my question. “Well” the man said, retrieving popcorn from the sweaty folds of his circus tent shirt “it’s… pretty good. I liked a lot of the action scenes. They were… pretty good”. Saliva dripped from the man’s mouth as they rotated back towards the screen, having enjoyed the most intellectually demanding conversation of their week.

The acting is reasonable; it’s not where this movie falls down. Robert Downey Jr, Sam Rockwell, Mickey Rourke and Samuel Jackson are excellent actors but they’re wasted here. Scarlett Johanssen is absolutely ridiculous and should never have been allowed near this film. I’ve already forgotten that Don Cheadle was in this movie such is his ability to act. Gwyneth Paltrow however just seems out of place. I never knew I respected her, but I came away feeling like I’d just seen the Queen of England burping the alphabet.

As I sat there watching, a strong feeling of averageness grew over me. I watched in partial entertainment as the plot sloshed back and forward between predictable boundaries. I began to play with my popcorn, and found myself giving increasing mental resources to tactically acquiring the armrest from my expansionist neighbour. I found some spearmints in my pocket, cleaned my nails and in a moment of idle curiosity began chewing on some hair I had pulled from my head.

This movie may not actually have any music, I can’t remember it and didn’t notice it. However it is funny at times. Though I’d sooner admit to getting a boner watching Mr. Bean, a few of the jokes pulled a begrudging smile across my face. My bovine neighbours however seemed to really like some of them, bellowing loudly across the seating and spewing food particles high into the air.

Well…..at least it appeals to its target audience

Posted in Review, Staff Writer |