Due to the massive box-office (and minimal brain hemorrhaging) of post-production 3D films Clash Of The Titans and Alice In Wonderland, it would seem that every film company is jumping on the 3D bandwagon (and missing it completely, because 3D totally f**ks up your depth perception). The thanks/blame rests solely with Avatar for this wonderful glut of upcoming epilepsy-inducing movies. Currently running at $2.7 Billion (and climbing), James Cameron’s epic obviously made all of that money because he spent years developing that technology and integrating it into the pre-production and not just adding it as a Nurofen stock-climbing afterthought, as well as it being greeted with universal critical acclaim it was in 3D.
Following news that Titanic, 300, The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and the Star Wars Saga are all getting 3D re-releases in the not too distant future, Half A Giraffe have exclusively discovered the spate of Steven Spielberg movies about to recieve similar treatment:
Schindler’s List; admittedly, not something you’d consider would necessarily need a third dimension added, but the movie is one of Spielberg’s lowest grossing movies (released just months after Jurassic Park, producers were anticipating another monster hit on their hands, and were sorely disappointed went movie goers didn’t flock to the Nazi’s as quickly as they did to the dinosaurs). But now that its being re-released in 3D, it will be a guaranteed money-maker. You’ll be reaching out to touch the holocaust.
Jaws; even better than being just re-released, Spielberg is re-making the movie from scratch. An insider has informed HaG will be in 3D, set in the year 2097, and will take place on the Moon, with the holiday resort around the Sea Of Tranquility being terrorized by moon sharks. When HaG asked how can there be moon sharks if there is no water in the Sea Of Tranquility, the insider said that fact didn’t come up in any of the writers meetings.
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull; following on from the news that his next new film will be WarHorse based on the novel about a WWI told from the point of view of a horse, Spielberg has decided to marry this concept to the editing work he did on ET (replacing the guns with walkie talkies) that infinitely improved that modern classic movie, and retell the fourth Indy movie from the point of view of prarie dogs at the beginning of the movie, the tarzan monkeys in the middle, and the alien heads at the end. Audacious. And in 3D.
The Adventures of TinTin; The Secret Of The Unicorn; never one to miss a beat, Spielberg is already pre-empting the backlash of 3D, and has developed a 1D version of his upcoming movie. It will require special magnifying glasses to see the milimetre wide characters on the big screen, but Steven is convinced this is a way to bring things “back to basics” once everyone is over the 3D fad.
Until then, expect more and more of the third dimension in our lives, as it seeps into more movies, tv shows, video games, advertisements… Soon it will seem like our entire lives are playing out in 3D.
Tags: 3d, avatar, funny, movies, steven spielberg
Posted in Staff Writer |