It would appear that Hollywood is beginning to run out of ideas. Having already turned pretty much every book, poem, play, musical, video game, tv show, foreign movie and “old” movie (“1980′s? Nobody remembers that far back! Re-do!”), they’ve now run aground on the shores of ABSOLUTLEY RANDOM ASS SHIT ISLAND. Some of the ideas aren’t 100% terrible, like Ridley Scott directing Monopoly, or Peter Berg directing Battleship (but re-doing it so its about aliens attacking the ships, which makes it sound more like Asteroids, which is also being turned into a movie).
But then there are some just some sickening examples. Like the Magic 8 Ball movie. Who in their right mind thought that was a good idea? I really hope that in the first two minutes it breaks the fourth wall and the lead character asks the audience “Do you think the rest of this movie will be good?”, and then a shake-a shake-a shake-a, and…
At least that has some semblance of being able to move forward a plot, and its almost like an automatic script generator to begin with.
“Should I ask that out-of-my-league chick out on a date, Magic 8 Ball?”
“It is decidedly so.”
“Do you think this movie will be a good springboard to a better acting career for me, Magic 8 Ball?”
“Don’t count on it.”
“Should I not have blown that producer to get this role?”
“Concentrate and ask again.”
“Last night I felt really suicidal and swallowed loads of pills but I just threw them back up.”
“Try again later.”
But what about the View-Master movie? Dreamworks are looking to buy the rights from Fisher-Price so they can get the guys who wrote Transformers (of all things) to write a script about a thing you look at pictures of rivers and mountains and stuff through. If they do manage to somehow create some kind of forward-moving story based around that, then no matter how god awful it is, they deserve the millions they get. That’s not to mention the other odd sources of inspiration for future movies, like the way someone noticed that there is a very talented director and writer making a movie about Facebook, so why not do the same for the Facebook game Mafia Wars?
Aaaaaaaanyways, far be it for us to just flog a dead horse when there’s a bandwagon to be jumped on, so we here at Half A Giraffe have come up with a few ideas for future adaptations based on the most random shit we could think of.
Title: Guess Who?
Staring: Samuel L Jackson, Kevin Spacey.
Plot: Jackson is a cop trying to decipher a labyrnthine puzzle of who exactly Spacey is in a quasi-sequel to The Usual Suspects. One by one Jackson’s questions get him closer to the true identity of Spacey’s character.
Title: Where’s Wally?
Staring: Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Steve Martin and/or Eddie Murphy and/or Adam Sandler.
Plot: A day at the beach ends in tragedy when Martin’s/Murphy’s/Sandlers’ son Wally (Mintz-Plasse, aka McLovin’) goes missing. But thats not really important. What will be great about this is that it will be 178 minutes long, shot entirely on James Cameron’s 3D cameras, and will cost more than the GNP of a Central African country. Can you imagine it, just being immersed in this for almost three hours?!
Title: Indiana Jones and Snakes & Ladders
Staring: Shia LaBeouf, Harrison Ford.
Plot: Having completely taken over the mantle of Best Archeologist Ever TM, Mutt Jones and his one-foot-in-the-grave dad head off on one last adventure where they find themselves in a parallel universe, in which people abritarily fall down snakes and climb up ladders until eventually they climb up the best ladder and they win the game some treasure or enlightment or something. And maybe somewhere along the way Mutt will learn a few more things about his old man, and maybe his dad will teach him that a leather jacket is not the best thing to wear in South American climates.
Amazing. We did have more ideas, but we started to feel like our souls were getting dirty and we’d have to get into a big articulated lorry and run over groups of grannies pushing their grandchildren in strollers just to feel like we were beginning our ascent out of soul-crushing hell. Until next time, just remember that inspiration is everywhere… Oh look, a bubblegum wrapper, I wonder if there’s a movie in that?… Oh, someone’s beat me to it…
Posted in Staff Writer |