This year Dublin City Council and the Minister for Sport & Tourism were on show with the usual repetoir of political goons vying for face time with cameras at the launch of the 52nd Olympics. The 2010 games are being held in Dublin, which is for many the spiritual home of the games.
“It’s wonderful to have such a prestigious event in our fine capital city,” said Lord Mayor Something-or-other as her B.A. Barackus chain was almost stolen by some of the Olympians.
Yes, in the late summer for most countries in Europe begins the real summer for Ireland – as it only gets warm when the kids go back to school. And in that heatwave of just-above 20-degree heat, Dublin will host the 52nd iteration of the Skanger Olympics.
Unlike their big brother, the Olympic Games, or even their hilariously challenged cousin, the Paralympics, these games are not held in run down suburban areas with the aim to regenerate them with stadia and economic drive from sponsors and athlete camps. No, in the Skanger Olympics events are held in upper-crust locations in order to create a more balanced society. As such, other then Glasnevin, every one of the games are being held on the Southside of the city.
The Swandive event is one of the most popular, where competing Skangers from the world over will dive gracefully into Grand Canal Dock from as high an apartment as possible. The medals are awarded based on how much jewelry athletes can obtain from the occupants’ abodes. It will be tough for the Irish entrants to beat the current champion, Aleksandr Wycoski.
The Urban Landscaping event is one the Northern Irish contingent are usually quite good at. This event involves flattening as much land as possible with as many explosives as possible. Bonus points are awarded for craters and damage caused to nearby buildings or vehicles.
One of the main events is, of course, the racing event. This is where athletes show up to a shopping centre car park and do nothing for 3 hours until a police helicopter pilot gets some practice hours in with flashing his torch aimlessly at neon-clad cars. The winner is chosen by whoever manages to stay in the car park last as others flee the impending police raid. Bonus points are awarded for the length of time the police take to find drugs in the car.
The finals are held in the D4 Radisson Hotel. They don’t know that yet, though, but a full featured game of FIFA starring Irish and French immigrant communities will be held. This is not a game of soccer, but rather a game of FIFA. On the Playstation. In the lobby. With booze brought from the local Tesco.
Tickets for each event are free as it is likely that you will be robbed of all your possessions while there. Foursquare and other location-based systems will be deactivated for the city to avoid letting skangers know that you’re at the games – leaving your home liable to robbery.
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