The Gulf stream, unhappy with our constant complaining about the weather, has moved on taking our mild Winters with it. And going against the trend of Global warming our winters are getting colder and wistful dreams about White Christmas’s are finally coming true. Snow is like an old friend, you’re initially delighted to see it but after a time the delight turns to distain and you remember why they’re an ‘old friend’ and not a current one. With this in mind, we are providing a guide on how to survive the snow in the city.
Firstly, you probably won’t survive. Breaking this to you now should heighten your natural instincts and make you want to prove a fabricated statistic such as ’87% of office workers fall prey to timber wolves while commuting in winter’ wrong.
- You should wrap up warm, layering your clothing is an excellent idea. Lots of layers of clothing hides your body, keeping it warm and making you look fat. In cold weather larger people are more attractive as they look warmer and have a greater body area to steal heat from.
- Steal heat from strangers, on public transport sit a little too close to people to share warmth, they shouldn’t mind. If they really don’t mind get naked, there is greater heat transfer, encourage them to do the same. Good people to steal heat from on public transport are those who are asleep, though you need to perform the sniff test to make sure they aren’t drunk or dead.
With all the parties going on women are usually reluctant to dress appropriately for the weather. They insist on wearing heels which leads to a show called ‘Bitches on Ice’. Women in stilettos wobble uncertainly through the streets. It’s rather like the film Bambi, if Bambi were a whore.
A top tip for women, wear better shoes, no matter how hot you think you look, no one is going to want you while you totter around like a dizzy Tina Turner. Also ladies, it’s Winter your attire is too revealing and the fact you’re wearing no underwear means that it looks like Scott of the Antarctic’s beard under your skirt, all icicles and trembling lips.
Walking in the snow, the more confidence you have that your boots will stop you falling the more likely you are to fall. When walking in the city pick someone who is walking in the same direction and follow them, their unsteady movements should tell you of slippery areas. Keep a safe distance as if they fall they may reach out for you to help them causing you to fall as well. If they start falling just watch safely from a distance. When they do fall it is only permissible to laugh under two circumstances, they’ve fallen, they’re not hurt, they laugh, they get up or they’ve fallen and they’ve knocked themselves unconscious.
Of course the snow is there to be enjoyed so feel free to enjoy such clichéd activities as;
- Having a snow ball fight: where you can use compacted ice to physically hurt the people you claim to love. Which sounds wonderful in principle but most likely you’ll find you that you have about neither the strength or aim to make any impact. Afterwards you’ll just go back to hurling abuse, yup, that abuse hits the sweet spot every time.
- Making a snow man: Spend ages rolling massive balls of snow, stacking them, giving them a face, a name, some sort of career choice. Then destroy it because frankly who are you to play God?
- Making a Snow Angel: You’re much much too lazy to make a snow man and you may as well lie down on something white because your bed sheets are a state.
- Urinate in the snow: Men can write their names, or a name, or ironically draw a penis using their own urine. Women, you can watch in horror as your piss splashes onto your shoes….then freezes there.
- Take photographs: or don’t bother, everyone is taking photographs, just approach the person with the most impressive camera and force them to add you as a friend on Facebook. If they refuse, follow their tracks to their home….then ask again.
Hopefully using these tips you can not only survive the snow in the city but you can also enjoy it, right up to the point that it becomes a cold grey mush downtrodden like the dreams and hopes of the city it occupies.
Happy Christmas.
Posted in Featured, Featured Writer |
