exercise: exert: put to use; “exert one’s power or influence”
We all know it’s good for us. We all know it’ll help us live longer. We all know it’ll make us sexier, more virile and better in bed, but we also prefer to eat pizza that someone else brings us while sitting on chairs that will lift our legs up for us.
And as such, the team at HaG have asked me, a recent Ph.D graduate in the field of humanoid laziness leading to exercise to write an article to tell you fatties how to get thin, sexy and awesome with a minimal amount of effort. These tips could save your life. But then again, you’ll have to do more then read this article to gain results. As such, this paragraph acts as a disclaimer… no, this article won’t actually help you and yes, if you try these you will do yourself some good.. but not much. And no, it’s not scientific.
Exercise One: Like Xenu, you’ve been too lazy to strike down other worlds or religions that don’t recognise you, so the best way to build up the energy to do this is by doing some stretches, lunges and drinking an egg smoothie. But you’re lazy, so you won’t do this. Instead, just lift your hands out of your crotch region and stretch. Raise your hands up, manually, and then stretch your legs. Do it lying down if needed. That’s a lot of energy used up, so be sure to put on an exciting TV show afterwards to keep your heart rate going.
Exercise Two: No one expects you to run on a treadmill, or run anywhere for that matter. So, rather then walk up real stairs, walk up escalators. Not only is this modicum of effort useful for your health, it’ll get you closer to the food court in a shopping centre. After all, one man once said that a man can be judged by which he takes in doses of two, pills or stairs. In this case you’re doing neither, as you’re kind of only taking the stairs half a time!
Exercise Three: Get a games console. It is known that the Wii and Xbox Kinect have fitness peripherals/software but we don’t care about that. Merely owning one of these consoles (to play Goldeneye or Halo) will mean you’ve made the leap to actively lose weight. Of course, you’ll be sweating over teenage boys who are better then you online, rather then your work-out ethics.
Exercise Four: One of the huge parts of diet and exercise is that, once you’re fit & healthy, you’ll get women. So, post a profile photo (neck up) on match.com, cupidsarrow.com or something similar. This gives you a goal, and a target. Based on the women who contact you, you can decide what kind of woman to go for afterwards. How is this exercise? Well, you have to move you fingers to take the image!
Exercise Five: The final tip we have for you budding thin-folk is very simple. Buy a relaxation tape, or download an MP3 of a story about a man who runs around a lot. If science is right, then you’ll burn off calories in your sleep simply by moving muscles as your mind pretends it’s doing something it hasn’t done in years.
Posted in Featured Writer |
