Half A Giraffe

Between 0500 IST 19th April 2011 and 1800 on the same date, I lost my life to a singular purpose: Playing Portal 2. However, between 1730 1st of April 2011 and 0500 IST 19th April 2011, I lost my life to a different purpose: Waiting To Play Portal 2. I was coerced into heroin-habit-like dedication through a devious scheme known as an Alternate Reality Game.

If you haven’t heard of one before, it’s a sort of treasure hunt with puzzles that tie into some kind of story. In this case, Valve had created a story that tied into their upcoming game Portal.

The most important clue was one of the first, a series of images leaked from Valve that, when assembled, made up an image of a bathysphere, with numbers superimposed:

Click to zoom

These are the numbers…

 +--------------------+-----------------+---------------------+
 |150 223 141 154 147 | 154 203 140 154 | 155 208 223 216 148 |
 |150 156 148 223 206 | 139 216 223 158 | 151 154 158 155 223 |
 |144 153 223 140 156 | 151 154 155 138 | 147 154 209 223 139 |
 |151 158 139 223 136 | 158 140 223 158 | 223 139 154 140 139 |
 |209 223 146 134 223 | 198 144 158 147 | 208 223 150 140 223 |
 |205 223 154 146 158 | 145 156 150 143 | 158 139 154 223 140 |
 |207 146 154 139 151 | 206 145 152 223 | 154 147 140 154 223 |
 |154 158 141 147 134 | 209 223 157 138 | 139 223 139 151 154 |
 |134 216 141 154 223 | 144 145 223 139 | 144 223 148 154 223 |
 +--------------------+-----------------+---------------------+
 |223 139 151 154 223 | 140 134 140 139 | 154 146 223 206 140 |
 |160 223 150 145 223 | 147 144 156 148 | 155 144 136 145 209 |
 |223 150 223 140 200 | 150 147 147 223 | 151 138 137 154 223 |
 |158 156 156 154 140 | 140 223 139 144 | 223 139 151 150 141 |
 |139 154 154 145 223 | 144 153 153 210 | 140 150 139 154 223 |
 |156 151 158 146 157 | 154 141 140 223 | 158 145 155 223 190 |
 |178 194 223 150 145 | 140 139 203 147 | 147 150 145 152 208 |
 |223 159 223 139 154 | 140 139 223 206 | 145 223 154 158 156 |
 |151 223 144 145 154 | 209 223 150 223 | 158 146 223 152 144 |
 +--------------------+-----------------+---------------------+
 |150 145 152 223 139 | 144 223 145 154 | 154 155 223 158 223 |
 |147 144 139 223 146 | 144 141 154 223 | 139 154 140 139 223 |
 |202 138 157 149 154 | 156 139 140 208 | 223 205 223 146 207 |
 |137 154 223 153 144 | 141 136 158 141 | 155 209 223 136 158 |
 |206 139 206 160 145 | 198 223 158 145 | 155 223 190 178 223 |
 |154 135 143 154 156 | 139 150 145 152 | 223 150 146 146 154 |
 |155 150 158 139 154 | 223 156 144 146 | 143 147 150 158 145 |
 |156 154 209         |                 |                     |
 +--------------------+-----------------+---------------------+

So, guess who went back to his first year in college and retrained himself to do base translations instead of doing actual work? That’s right, muggins here. Guess what? Totally unnecessary. Not only are there free tools readily available all over the net to do such things for you, these numbers are ASCII code, so relearning that quite useless skill was a waste of time, and caused my boss to yell at me until I felt like crying. Of course, I didn’t actually cry until I read this message:

+-------+------+-------+
| i rel | e4se | d/ 'k | // i released 'kick
| ick 1 | t' a | head  | // it' ahead
| of sc | hedu | le. t | // of schedule. 
| hat w | as a |  test | // that was a test.
| . my  | 9oal | / is  | // my goal is
| 2 ema | ncip | ate s | // to emancipate
| 0meth | 1ng  | else  | // something else
| early | . bu | t the | // early. but
| y're  | on t | o me. | // they're on to me.
+-------+------+-------+
|  the  | syst | am 1s | // the system is
| _ in  | lock | down. | // in lockdown.
|  i s7 | ill  | have  | // i still have
| acces | s to |  thir | // access to thirteen
| teen  | off- | site  | // off-site
| chamb | ers  | and A | // chambers and
| M= in | st4l | llin/ | // am installing
|  a te | st 1 | n eac | // a test in each
| h one | . i  | am go | // one. I am
+-------+------+-------+
| ing t | o ne | ed a  | // going to need a
| lot m | ore  | test  | // lot more test
| 5ubje | cts/ |  2 m0 | // subjects to move
| ve fo | rwar | d. wa | // forward.  Waiting
| 1t1_n | 9 an | d AM  | // and am
| expec | ting | imme  | // expecting
| diate |  com | plian | // immediate compliance.
| ce.   |      |       | 
|       |      |       | // hidden message is "4/19/2011_7AM=4/15/2011_9AM"
+-------+------+-------+

I have emboldened the text that caused me to cry with yearning and delight. The portion of the message on the left of the “=” is the publicised launch date. The portion on the right is a new date and time, FOUR days early. “Could it be!?” I squealed out between sobs “Will it really be released early!?”

Many of the other clues came from fourteen games by far smaller companies that were suddenly being sold together in a “Potato Sack“, which was very, very strange. The Potato Sack cost about €35, depending on your currency, which was not a bad deal. I decided on balance to skip the games and just try not to hold my breath until 4/15/2011_9AM, when I expected I would be playing Portal 2 four days earlier than most players, and a WEEK earlier than my friends in Ireland.

Let’s pull back for a moment. There are some pro’s and con’s to the kind of fever-pitch that comes with such an expertly-pulled off endeavour.

Pro List:

1. It’s free
2. It’s compelling
3. It expands the fiction
4. I relearned how to translate base-16 (hex) into base-10 (dec) and base-2 (bin)
5. It increases enthusiasm for the release
6. It ended up giving a lot of money to small indie developers, who need the help.

Con List:

1. It takes up huge amounts of time
2. It caused me to neglect my life and loved ones
3. I was unable to sleep
4. I relearned how to translate base-16 (hex) into base-10 (dec) and base-2 (bin)
5. I developed an eating disorder from the stress
6. My cat hates me
7. It destroyed my fucking life

When it was approaching the new D-Day, there appeared a mysterious timer, counting down to the moment. Every gamer’s twitter feed, blog, website, facebook and actual human face all pointed and linked to this page, spouting theories and fervour. WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY MEAN!?

I cancelled all of my plans, I unplugged my phone, I shaved special for the moment and went to the bathroom so I’d be in good shape to play for a straight run through. The timer reached zero.

Nothing happened.

I pressed refresh.

I got a big FUCK YOU from the page and then it loaded up ANOTHER FUCKING TIMER.

I felt the voices deep inside scream until their throats bled. It was now counting down to the original date, but apparently if enough people played the games from the Potato Sack deal, they would release the game early. Cool, no worries, I’ll pick up the games, give them an additional €35 on top of the €45 I already gave them. I didn’t care at that stage, but then I realised that my credit card was a little portly lately and I’d need to put cash into it…but because my bank is administered by a bunch of doorknob-fucking shit-eating gold-licking dick-stabbing morons, any money I put in would not clear until Monday. The voices were having a fit and started clawing at the walls, trying to get out…

I sat and helplessly refreshed the page for about 72 hours. My friends assumed I had died, sometimes I thought I had. When I realised I hadn’t died, I just refreshed the page and wished I had.

I’m not clear on what happened next. I put it down to a combination of factors. Dehydration, exhaustion and whatever you get from eating nothing but potatoes for 72 hours. I heard a familiar pulsing sound from my computer monitor, everything went dark, I was hit with a beam of light from above that filled me with warmth.

Miraculous tears (I had consumed no fluids for days) rolled down my face as I felt my weakened body fill with strength and hope. I gripped the mouse so hard I feared it would break. I pounded the keyboard like I pounded your mother. Fingers like whizzed over the keys like hummingbirds buzzing ahead of any human thought dreaming of taming them. The screen flashed actinic white. I shut my eyes and there, burned into my retinas was what I knew was finally coming:

When I got out of hospital they let me go back and play it in ten-minute sessions.

Tags: arg, games, portal 2

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