Half A Giraffe

The comedy stylings of the pleasantly deranged

Monthly Archives: May 2011

My Own Personal Rapture

Monday, 30 May 2011 by Gemma Creagh

After Christianity has been proved false by the Rapture not coming to fruition, this brings to popularity another religion, Gemmism. This is a religion I’ve created which is based around the teachings of lord and savior, Bill Hicks – with the basic ideology being the condemnation of behavior commonly described as assholiation.

There are a few simple rules by which one must live by in the Gemmist faith:

1. Thou shalt not play music on thy phone speakers on the bus.

2. Thou shalt not wear matching clothes when in a relationship.

3. Thou shalt not post facebook statuses every 30 minutes with emotional state updates.

4. Thou shalt not strike up long, inane, lingering conversations while at the top of a queue.

5. Thou shalt not blare Eastern European trance music at 2am in the morning in an apartment block.

6. Thou shalt not Taxi drive, as the asshole to sound person ratio in sed profession is 99:1.

7. Thou shalt not have numerous unruly children and let them run around shouting in public.

8. Thou shalt not put clothes on thy dog.

9. Thou shalt not give finicky and complicated meal orders.

10. Thou shalt not show people many, many, similar photos of your oddly shaped headed baby.

Gemmites have a simple penance for those who these rules: slaps, numerous and forceful. Those guilty of breaking the rules shall go to hell which consists of a dark room and two unbreakable speakers; one which plays Nyam Cat and the other which sounds out Rebecca Black’s “Friday” over and over.

For all those interested in joining, email me at gemma@half-a-giraffe.com pledging me all your cash – and thou shalt be saved.

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Posted in Featured, Staff Writer |

What If The Simpsons Were Real?

Monday, 23 May 2011 by Rory Cashin

Ever since it’s premiere in December 1989, a lot of stuff has happened to the members of the The Simpsons family. Due to the miracle of them being animated, they’ve managed to survive all these years without ageing, without injury and without being cancelled despite the last few seasons being kinda crap. So, The Simpsons aren’t real, but what this website article presupposes is… what if they were?

Homer

Back in 1989, Homer was 36 years old. So in 2011, he would be 58. He would be, had he not died in 1990 when he attempted to show his son Bart how dangerous it is to jump a canyon on a skateboard. Having almost made it, he in fact did not make it, hitting the opposite wall of the canyon, breaking every bone on the way down, and dying upon impact at the bottom. At the closed casket funeral, Homer’s father Abraham suffered a fatal heart attack, having successfully achieved his goal of outliving his son.

Marge

In 2011, Marge is 56 years old, and considered a major MILF, something that she has used to her advantage in the 21 years since her husband’s death. Over the last two decades, Marge has had very, very, very, very, very short term relationships with almost every single male in Springfield, leading eventually to her second marriage to C. Montgomery Burns. Despite their massive age difference, Marge was adamant about her love for the frail old man. Just 13 months after their marriage, Burns died of natural causes, and Marge inherited his $1.6 billion estate.

Bart

When the show began in 1989, Bartholomew was 10 years old, which would make him 32 years old now. After suffering from severe bouts of depression after blaming himself for his father’s death at the canyon, Bart took to alcohol at the age of 12. Aged 17, both he and Waylan Smithers were arrested at a local Springfield motel, with Bart later found guilty of prostitution. While inside juvenile hall, Bart kicked his heroin habit, found religion (well, Scientology) and is currently the head of a break away sect that predicts the end of the world will occur on April 1st 2012.

Lisa

Currently 30 years old, Lisa changed her name via deed poll to Florence Chongowongo Running With Wet Bears. With her immense IQ, everyone had high hopes for Lisa’s future, but instead of using her time and talents to do anything useful, she got caught up in the world of political correctness. Despite not being a lesbian, she still married an Ethiopian woman, as she believed this to be the ultimate statement in her war against sexism, racism and homophobia. She is currently helping to build abortion clinics in central African countries, in towns that don’t have homes, wells or, in some cases, a population of any kind.

Maggie

Just one year old when the show began, Margaret is now a happily married 23 year old woman. Her one-time arch-nemesis The Baby With The One Eyebrow turned out to be Haley Joel Osmand, who is now her husband of five years. When she was a baby, Maggie was found guilty of the attempted murder of her mother’s future husband C. Montgomery Burns, but due to her young age, was never tried in court. Having gotten away with almost-murder, Maggie’s blood lust grew over the years, and she and Haley Joel Osmand are now on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List for the murder of 147 hitchhikers.

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Posted in Staff Writer |

GOBAMA!

Friday, 20 May 2011 by Ben Keenan

Good news, everyone! Obama’s going to be in town soon! His plane will land as The Queen’s takes off. We’re hoping for a jivey high-five between the Leader Of The Free World and the Empress of the former British Empire before the most charismatic man in politics stands on College Green, addressing the public, flanked by the most expensive, highly-trained armed guards in the history of the world. Of course, like anyone else, we here at Half a Giraffe towers have been writhing in the agony of expectation, wondering what he’s going to say so that we can leak it and ruin the surprise. Luckily, our extensive spy network has tendrils within The White House was able to uncover some titbits. For the first time ever, we can reveal POSS: Patented Obama Speechwriting System. This is the creative workflow that got this nobody of a successful Chicagoan lawyer and property developer into the most powerful position on this tiny, tiny planet of ours.

Please click to view larger

Please click on the image to the left to view full-screen. This system spent years in development. Mr. Obama brought in his wife and a team of experts to craft a pipeline that would take Barack’s ideas, develop them, perfect them, polish them and then realise them. As any West Wing fan will tell you, speechwriting is the difference between a president and a leader, and if you don’t leave the audience standing, then you haven’t done your job, which is handy for his College Green address, as there will be no seating offered, we will be forced to stand. Here is our personal itinerary for the day:

8:00 AM Ciaran, Ben, Gemma and Rory meet on Parliament Street. Rory, Ben and Ciaran overpower Gemma (you may think 3 vs 1 is overkill, but bitch got fight) and chain her to a lampost with supplies; cans of Fosters and gelatine-free jellies.

8:05 AM – 1:30 PM Ciaran, Ben and Rory drink cans outside of earshot of Gemma to avoid feelings of guilt.

1:35 PM The boys return to release Gemma to find both Gemma and lampost missing. Dread descends on the group. To relieve tension, Rory and Ben plant a gun on Ciaran.

1:45 PM Secret Service agents move through the crowd with covert metal detectors.

1:47 PM Secret Service agents taze, restrain, remove and detain Ciaran much to the amusement of Rory and Ben.

1:53 PM Secret Service agents taze, restrain, remove and detain Rory and Ben much to the amusement of Gemma, who planted remote detonators on them after escaping with lampost.

3:45 PM After spending almost three hours locked in a van (that is technically part of Belarus) behind Obama’s podium. Rory, Ciaran and Ben are savagely beaten by Secret Service while Gemma has a late lunch with The Obamas who thank her for saving them from a terrorist plot.

3:48 PM After misjudging the room, Gemma is sent to the van that is part of Belarus for making racist comments at the lunch table.

8:41 PM Sasha Obama shoots Rory in the kneecaps as an after-dinner treat. She tries to taze Ciaran until he wets himself, but he just keeps passing out, so she eventually gets bored and leaves.

11:15 PM Barack feels bad, releases Ben, Rory, Gemma and Ciaran from the van, apologises, shakes their hands, gets photographs taken with them which he signs. He plays a round of basketball with Ben and Gemma (the only two who can stand under their own power) and graciously lets them win. He offers to pay their hospital bills. When they tell him that healthcare is basically free, he gets so mad he kills a Secret Service agent before laughing it off.

I gotta say, I’m excited about meeting Obama!

GOBAMANIA

Here’s some shots of the most awesome man in politics:

Posted in Staff Writer |

Queen Elizabeth does a Dublin/Cork combo

Tuesday, 17 May 2011 by Gemma Creagh

The Queen

Queen Elizabeth and her other half will be popping across the pond today, as I’m sure many Cork and Dublin have been made aware due to the crizz-azy traffic across both city centers. There’s a guard on every street corner, and many hospitals are on standby – meaning Copper Face Jack’s has faced a customer lull in the last week akin to those predicted for Armageddon.

There are, of course, heightened security concerns that protesters are seeking to disrupt her itinerary, so Government officials have kept the ‘precise’ time and duration of each leg of her four-day itinerary under wraps for security reasons.

This is not Half a Giraffe’s first foray into investigative journalism – I once wrote a pretty hard-hitting special on Electric Picnic for the Daily Mail (Electric Picnic A-Z: check it out). So last Thursday, myself and Rory took it upon ourselves to discover some undisclosed details about the trip (by plying several officials with Fat Frogs in McGrattans). He’s what the Queen will REALLY be doing:

TUESDAY, 17th MAY

  • Arrival at Casement Aerodrome – Queen Elizabeth and Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, will be greeted on the tarmac by Tánaiste and Minister for Foreign Affairs Eamon Gilmore… however the Queen being a big fan of shopping for discounted brands in Duty Free has organized for a quick en route trip to Terminal Two, much to the annoyance of Philip who just wanted to go straight there.
  • Meeting President Mary McAleese at Áras an Uachtaráin – Mary had to get her people to shop at “Iceland” supermarket, as the Queen, being quite fussy, will only eat their mini Pizzas.
  • Trip to view Book of Kells at TCD – The Queen will also be stopping at the Pavilion bar (the ‘Pav’) to enjoy a special cricket match and a can or two of Bavaria.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18th

  • “Windows” tour of Dublin at the Guinness Storehouse – This is special “Queenie” code for knocking back a few scoops in the Gravity Bar.
  • Greeted by Taoiseach Enda Kenny at Government Buildings – The Queen, renowned for her sense of humour is planning to present Enda with a T-shirt reading: “Gingers have no souls”.  We also discovered that he’s been forewarned about this – just in case he starts crying again.

  • Visit to Croke Park – By visit, the Queen really plans on checking it out on Google Streetview while catching up on her Sky-Plussed “Coronation Street”.

  • State dinner at Dublin Castle – The Queen has requested fish fingers, beans and queen cakes (another witty example of her “Queenie” humour) for dessert.

THURSDAY, MAY 19th

  • Visit to National Stud Kildare – this will be followed by a quick trip around the Coca-Cola Factory. “Give that Queen a can of Coke”
  • The Duke of Edinburgh to attend a reception at Farmleigh House with members of Gaisce; the President’s award ­­– During which the Queen is sneaking off for a quick game of Bingo.
  • A celebration of the Queen’s visit at the Convention Centre Dublin – The Queen and Duke will also pop over to have a post-work pineapple Bacardi Breezer and Jager bomb in The Ferryman.

FRIDAY, MAY 20th

  • Tour of St Patrick’s Rock, Cashel – The Queen has since cancelled this event, claiming that: “it seemed like the single most boring thing in the world to do, and seeing as how I’m 85 and doesn’t have much time left. I really can’t be bothered. But thanks for the invite though, Irish Government.”
  • Visit to English Market in Cork – After which the Queen and the Duke are also planning on heading into Crane Lane to catch four-piece Indie powerpop band “The Melismatics”.
  • Visit to Tyndall National Institute, Cork – Upon being questioned by the press on this part of the visit, the Queen is cited as saying: “What? The Tyndall National what? There’s no way I agreed to this. Phil. Did you tell the Irish we’d go here? Over my dead body.” (Pause) “Phil… that is not funny”
  • Departure from Cork airport

A big welcome to the Queen from all the Giraffes. Her and Phil are more than welcome to pop down to our headquarters in HSQ, and avail of a Captain Morgans & Coke or a warm can of Fosters, if they get bored up there in Farmleigh.

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Posted in Featured, Featured Writer, Staff Writer |

Scientific Study Reveals Truth About G-Spot

Thursday, 12 May 2011 by Rory Cashin

A new study in sexuality being conducted in Harvard University has confirmed the fact that the female g-spot is not in the vagina, as previously indicated. The study was instigated when Professor Carlos Humperdink realised he had never actually witnessed his wife clean out her ears.

“I cut my toe nails and pick my nose and clean my ears in front of my wife, and I noticed I had never actually seen my wife clean out her ears. I asked all of my colleagues if they had ever seen any female in their life cleaning out their ears, and the answer was universally and unanimously “No.” So I set up a video camera in my wife’s bathroom, and the findings were… shocking.”

Female using Q-Tip, or "Ear-Dildo."

Doctor Elizabeth Fernswatch, head of Female Studies in UCLA, released the following statement:

“Yes, the female g-spot can be found quite easily, right inside the ear. Quite frankly, we’re surprised we’ve been able to keep it a secret for this long. Every woman has let it be known that they fake orgasms, and yes, we have always been private when it comes to our “ear-time”, so it’s not like there haven’t been clues left for you all to find.”

When asked why they have been lying about the exact location of female arousal for all these years, Dr. Fernswatch had this to say:

“Isn’t it obvious? For babies. It’s the only way we could get you men to focus on that area, pretend we enjoy it as much as you do. If you’d all known that we much prefer it in the ear, well… I’m not sure I could guess the consequences.”

Guessing the consequences is no longer necessary, as even though its only been a week since the announcement of the new locale of the female g-spot, there have already been reactions, including but not exclusive to:

- Ear-muffs designed by Kanye West are on the cover of every women’s magazine.

- Men with tiny, ear-hole sized penises are in high demand.

- Q-Tip have admitted that their electric ear-cleaners are a sex toy.

- It is now mandatory that doctors only take their patients temperature orally.

- World’s pregnancy rate has dropped 97%.

This is grounds for sexual assault.

This recent discovery had given hope to billions of men around the world that the location of the male g-spot was also incorrect. Alas, according to Professor Humperdink, this is not the case: “No, it is definitely up the anus. Right up in there.”

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Posted in Staff Writer |

iPod 9 Breakdown

Monday, 9 May 2011 by Ben Keenan

Woah! The time machine worked! We got a personal music device from the future and broke it down for your elucidation. Looks like the world is a very different place in three years’ time…

Posted in Staff Writer |

Royal (Electronic) Mail

Tuesday, 3 May 2011 by Gemma Creagh
William and Kate

Me and Kats

On 3 May 2011, at 10:23, early_willam@gmail.com wrote:

To: Charles@buckinghampalace.co.uk, Harry@buckinghampalace.co.uk

Subject: Post-wedding questions!

Hello Daddy, Harrykins,

I just thought It’d be rather spiffing to catch up with you both. I’ve been enjoying myself with Kats since the wedding, marital bliss and whatnot. You know, we’ve really just been having a whale of a time but, well, I did have one or two things that I wanted to, oh I don’t know, swing by you both? Daddy, you minght know this one, seeing as how you were married twice:

Kats has always been so very pretty and elegant. Wearing lovely long lady coats and pretty dresses. When we’d get Geoffrey to cook us dinner after a long days hunting, she’s normally eat a light bean salad, or lean fish. She’s go get her hair and nails done, when myself and the boys would be off playing polo and this rotine suited us marvelously. However since the wedding, things have been…. how shall I put this, well, different.

She hasn’t worn anything but pajamas or these odd baggy things with lines down the side, and this top ting with a flappy bit that you can use to cover your head. I mean, I’m no Gok Wan ( or whatever means the peasants use to get there clothes nowadays) but these new clothes certainly don’t have the same cut that I’m used to seeing. Her face is now all one colour, much paler with no sparkly bits on top of there eyes or pink bits on her cheeks. Her hair is not as shiny, and she keeps eating burgers, chips and Ben & Jerry’s all the time.

I don’t understand what’s happening… is my darling ill or angry at me? I only hope she feels better before the honeymoon. We’re going to the Indian Ocean soon and I just want things to go swimmingly.

Your loving son and brother,

William

On 3 May 2011, at 11:15, royalcharlie@yahoo.co.uk wrote:

To: Harry@buckinghampalace.co.uk, early_willam@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Post-wedding questions!

Well Son,

Many thanks for your electronic male, it was good to hear from you. First let me say that your Granny was thrilled to get the day out and is greatly fond of Catherine.

About these behaviors: women have a funny nature. They’re not like you or I, young chap. Now admitedly, I’m no female expert or “Gyno”, but I do know that the fairer sex undergo some pysiological changes when they are in the process of their menstral cycle or their “flowers”. Now that you are a married man, this is part of your life.

She may also be, as the common folk say, “Up the duff”, wouldn’t that be exiting? Or alternatively, be going though a thing called the menopause! Women are mysterious creatures are they not?

I hope this could be of help,

Charles

On 3 May 2011, at 13:31, big_p_harry@hotmail.com wrote:

To: early_willam@gmail.com, royalcharlie@yahoo.co.uk

Subject: Re: Re: Post-wedding questions!

Yo, Willy, Dad,

This shit is dangerous brov. It sounds like your girl, K, is trying to play you, blood – Kanye West-syle. Tell her to get off her fat booty and go down to the gym before you give that ho a royal spanking with your scepter, mate.

Harry Out.

Posted in Staff Writer |

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