After Christianity has been proved false by the Rapture not coming to fruition, this brings to popularity another religion, Gemmism. This is a religion I’ve created which is based around the teachings of lord and savior, Bill Hicks – with the basic ideology being the condemnation of behavior commonly described as assholiation.
There are a few simple rules by which one must live by in the Gemmist faith:
1. Thou shalt not play music on thy phone speakers on the bus.
2. Thou shalt not wear matching clothes when in a relationship.
3. Thou shalt not post facebook statuses every 30 minutes with emotional state updates.
4. Thou shalt not strike up long, inane, lingering conversations while at the top of a queue.
5. Thou shalt not blare Eastern European trance music at 2am in the morning in an apartment block.
6. Thou shalt not Taxi drive, as the asshole to sound person ratio in sed profession is 99:1.
7. Thou shalt not have numerous unruly children and let them run around shouting in public.
8. Thou shalt not put clothes on thy dog.
9. Thou shalt not give finicky and complicated meal orders.
10. Thou shalt not show people many, many, similar photos of your oddly shaped headed baby.
Gemmites have a simple penance for those who these rules: slaps, numerous and forceful. Those guilty of breaking the rules shall go to hell which consists of a dark room and two unbreakable speakers; one which plays Nyam Cat and the other which sounds out Rebecca Black’s “Friday” over and over.
For all those interested in joining, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org pledging me all your cash – and thou shalt be saved.