As disabilities go, having to wear glasses isn’t exactly the worst thing in the world. It used to be that having glasses automatically made you a nerd, regardless of how smart you were. “Guys don’t make passes at girls who made glasses,” they used to say.
Used to say. USED TO!
Speccy Four-Eyes! Boris Specker! Spec-tator! Wearing glasses really was just a way for bullies to use what little imagination they had to come up with a new way of making fun of you. But then something happened (nobody is sure what, NASA is looking it), but all of a sudden, glasses were sexy, and wearing them was a good thing. Maybe it was because attractive people starting wearing them in public. “I’m here! My sight is near! Get used to it!”
Thanks, guy.
But the fight isn’t over. Anyone who wears glasses knows that we are still afflicted day and night by new and even more pressing dangers/irritants. Let us stand together, my shitty-sighted brothers and sisters!
1. STRANGERS WANT TO TRY ON YOUR GLASSES
It’s bad enough when your (usually drunk) friends want to try on your glasses for reasons unknown, but when total strangers do it, it’s not cool. It usually only happens when you’re both drunk, which doesn’t help due to obvious sight related reasons to begin with. But you’ll be in the middle of conversation, thinking you’re at your charming best, and all of a sudden-
“Can I try on your glasses?!”
What can you say? “No, you can’t try on my glasses. Would you ask a deaf person can you try on their hearing aid? Would you ask a paraplegic can you sit in their wheelchair? How insensitive are you?” You could say that. But you won’t. Instead, you won’t answer, and they’ll assume from your silence you meant to say “Yes, try on my glasses! Nothing would make me happier than having my ocular aids sitting on your face!”, and they just reach over and TAKE YOUR GLASSES OFF YOUR FACE and put them on and leave you looking, well, like this…
Near sighted or very sleepy?
And while you try not to squint the retinas right out of your head, along comes the next irritant-
2. CONFIRMATION OF YOUR SIGHT DISABILITY
aka “Oh my God, you’re BLIND!”
Really? Am I really? Because I can see you right now. Stumbling around, arms out in front of you like Frankenstein, because thats how you imagine people without glasses walk, right? Even the slightest sight impediment turns us all into Ray Charles or the right hand side of Gabrielle.
Did you feel it necessary to remind me that I couldn’t see things properly? I know my parents should’ve thrown me off a cliff like they would have in ancient Sparta, but I guess they just loved me too damn much.
On the plus side, he didn't have to wear glasses.
But, eventually, your spectacles hijacker will return your goods, having grown weary of living in world of less than perfect vision. But then comes the sympathy. And the advice. Oh, the advice…
3. THE ADVICE
“Why don’t you wear contact lenses?”
This question is perfectly reasonable, and I like to think my answer is perfectly reasonable: (1) I think I look pretty good in glasses, and (2) I don’t like sticking shit in my eye. But lots of people look better sans glasses/feel perfectly at home sticking all manner of shit in their eye, so I’ll let this slide. No, my real problem is with the following question:
“Why don’t you get laser eye surgery?”
You think if I have a problem putting a tiny piece of nothing in my eye, I’m going to be okay with lasers going in there?? Would you go up to that person with the hearing aid and advise them to get surgery than involves lasers withing millimeters of their brain, but on the plus side, only has short time effects, so don’t get TOO used to perfect hearing, cos you’ll be back every few years for a top up.
"So... how'd it go?"
I’m sure laser surgery has worked for hundreds of thousands of folks out there, and don’t let my irrational fear of lasers in my eyes deter any of you who were considering it. Its not for me. Despite all the people who have told me “But you’d like so much better without your glasses!”
4. STEAM
Its cold out. Its a nice, crisp evening and you’re outdoors. You step in to your nice warm home or pub or wherever and then BAM!
GAH! I'M BLIND!
Your one hope of seeing things properly has turned on you. Your eyes are hidden behind a fog of condensation, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Well… there is. You can take you glasses off and wipe them. But by then everyone has seen that you can’t see for shit, and thats it. “Did you just come from the sauna?? Ahahahahahahahaha…..”
Oh, go fuck yourselves.
5. EVERYTHING ELSE
- Anything to do with swimming, i.e the beach or the swimming pool. You could buy prescription goggles, but then you’d be that person who own prescription goggles. And that person has too much money and no friends.
- 3D movies that require putting on glasses over your glasses.
- Prescription sunglasses, that mean you’ve to bring two pairs of glasses out every time you think it might be sunny.
- Going glasses shopping, since you have to TAKE OFF your prescription glasses to try on new glasses, how am I supposed to know if the new glasses look good on me??
That’s it for now. I could go on, but my glasses have gotten inexplicably dirty… Apparently I took a walk through a coal-mine at some point today…
Posted in Staff Writer |
