Whenever there is a cultural watershed moment, there are always going to be a small few who take the source of their zeitgeist and kinda let their minds run away with it. It happened with Harry Potter, but that was basically harmless as it involved nerdy kids dressing up as even nerdier kids and pointing blunt sticks at each other while shouting latin. It happened with Avatar, and aside from the odd suicidal-undertones it brought out in some who “wanted to be reborn on Pandora”, mostly it just turned parts of California into a massive hub for The Blue Man Group. And then there’s Twilight…
Not since Star Wars has there been such a high percentage of crazy amongst a fanbase. But even those nerds couldn’t hold a candle to the level of certifiable madness that these books (BOOKS!) have brought about, and author Stephenie Meyer is holding herself accountable:
“Listen, okay, they’re books about vampires and werewolves and a girl who is caught between them. Hasn’t anyone ever read Romeo & Juliet? I mean, I haven’t, but that’s basically what it’s about, right? Did Shakespeare have to deal with crazed 16th century bitches?”
Shakespeare comparison aside, Meyer does have a point. What other book or movie or album can lay claim to any of the following?
- These tattoos.
- Post-Twilight Depression Support website.
- A dildo that sparkles, is described as having a “deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow” and is made from a special silicone so you can stick it in the freezer and then when you use it, it feels like you’re getting banged by the cold-blooded undead.
- And, finally (hopefully), there’s this. Can you guess what this is?
It’s a womb. It’s Bella’s womb, made out of felt, with a little vampire baby in the middle.
“Have you seen that fucking felt womb thing?” continues Meyer. “That shit is fucked up. I mean, who does that? Who sits around thinking ‘Hmmm… I know what I’ll do today…’ and then makes a womb out of felt and puts an unborn vampire fetus in the middle of it??”
But surely now that all of the books are done and the movies are almost out of the way, things will begin to go back to normal?
“I dunno, man. I was originally going to write eight books, but when I seen how crazy these bitches were getting, I just said to myself Fuck That. And then when they said they were splitting the last book into two movies, I was so mad I snapped my assistant’s femur in three places.”
So does Meyer have any advice for her more committed fans?
“Dear Should Be Committed To An Institution Fans, even though I am happy member of the Mormon religion, and my books are all about celibacy, I highly recommend that the lot of you chill the fuck out and just get laid. Preferably by a real boy with a normal temperatured dick and not some piece of plastic you’ve got chilling next to your 2 litre tub of Ben & Jerrys. Love, Stephenie.”
Posted in Staff Writer |