Hello there dearies, it’s me again,
I’m just writing a wee letter to let ye know how much I love you. Thank you for nominating me to be your president again. Third time lucky, isn’t that what we say? I don’t hold it against you for forgetting to vote for me the first two cockadoody times. Not even a little eeny weeny bit. Even when that Mary McAleese, who’s basically a protestant, stood up there, a proud dirty birdy, proud as punch so she was, even when she stood up there all basically protestant and proud, I knew you loved me more, because God told me so.
Let me tell you a little something about God. I know a lot of you out there these days are atheists and homosexuals, and that’s fine, God loves you, even if you don’t want him to. Even if you don’t believe in him, he’s inside you. He’s inside all of us, especially me, and he told me how much you all love me. Why else would have taken me to number one all those long years ago? Don’t worry my pets, my little Irish sweethearts, soon I’ll be president again and then I can be Queen of Ireland again and then I can be on the charts again and you’ll all remember how much you love me. Forever and ever.
Now, I hear things people say in the internet about me and at twitter on me. They think that being born in the UK, raised in The North and then moving to Alabama for a lot of my life makes me unsuitable to be president, that living in America making a fortune from running a Christian record label (until we got sued, God bless us) puts me out of touch with the plight of the average Irish person. My answer to those facebooking, twitterering emailers is this: do you want an average Irish person ruling you with a dull intellect and colonial complex, or do you want someone better, someone from a proper country to rule you with the kindly iron fist of God?
That’s what I thought.
People complain about property bubbles and international markets, but you put your faith in me, I’ll keep my faith in God (where it belongs) and together we’ll rid this island of divorce and contraception, and keep abortion at bay, lock the teenage mothers up, sacrifice Enda Kenny to The Pope and make prayer part of the Leaving Cert. And don’t get me started on gay rights – we’ll laugh them out of our churches and rid the island of those dirty perverts faster than you can say “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”.
I’m also pleased to see that science has gotten yet another thing completely wrong with this neutrino nonsense. When I wrap my big, loving arms around this country I’ll be sure to shut down the satanic science faculties in our universities and get them pumping out priests as fast as possible to get God back into our primary schools, to head that Big Bang / Evolution nonsense off at the pass.
God bless you, all of you, especially those of you too contemptible to believe,
Posted in Staff Writer |