Half A Giraffe

The comedy stylings of the pleasantly deranged

Monthly Archives: September 2011

A Letter To The Irish People

Wednesday, 28 September 2011 by Ben Keenan

Hello there dearies, it’s me again,

I’m just writing a wee letter to let ye know how much I love you. Thank you for nominating me to be your president again. Third time lucky, isn’t that what we say? I don’t hold it against you for forgetting to vote for me the first two cockadoody times. Not even a little eeny weeny bit. Even when that Mary McAleese, who’s basically a protestant, stood up there, a proud dirty birdy, proud as punch so she was, even when she stood up there all basically protestant and proud, I knew you loved me more, because God told me so.

Let me tell you a little something about God. I know a lot of you out there these days are atheists and homosexuals, and that’s fine, God loves you, even if you don’t want him to. Even if you don’t believe in him, he’s inside you. He’s inside all of us, especially me, and he told me how much you all love me. Why else would have taken me to number one all those long years ago? Don’t worry my pets, my little Irish sweethearts, soon I’ll be president again and then I can be Queen of Ireland again and then I can be on the charts again and you’ll all remember how much you love me. Forever and ever.

Now, I hear things people say in the internet about me and at twitter on me. They think that being born in the UK, raised in The North and then moving to Alabama for a lot of my life makes me unsuitable to be president, that living in America making a fortune from running a Christian record label (until we got sued, God bless us) puts me out of touch with the plight of the average Irish person. My answer to those facebooking, twitterering emailers is this: do you want an average Irish person ruling you with a dull intellect and colonial complex, or do you want someone better, someone from a proper country to rule you with the kindly iron fist of God?

That’s what I thought.

People complain about property bubbles and international markets, but you put your faith in me, I’ll keep my faith in God (where it belongs) and together we’ll rid this island of divorce and contraception, and keep abortion at bay, lock the teenage mothers up, sacrifice Enda Kenny to The Pope and make prayer part of the Leaving Cert. And don’t get me started on gay rights – we’ll laugh them out of our churches and rid the island of those dirty perverts faster than you can say “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”.

I’m also pleased to see that science has gotten yet another thing completely wrong with this neutrino nonsense. When I wrap my big, loving arms around this country I’ll be sure to shut down the satanic science faculties in our universities and get them pumping out priests as fast as possible to get God back into our primary schools, to head that Big Bang / Evolution nonsense off at the pass.

God bless you, all of you, especially those of you too contemptible to believe,

Dana

XoXoXoXo

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Posted in Staff Writer |

The 5 Steps to Happiness

Monday, 12 September 2011 by Gemma Creagh

“A guide to minding mindfulness that’s so healing it would make the Dali Llama shit himself.”

– (Esteemed Client) Barack Obama

The modern world is one full of stresses  – external as well as internal. As a both medical doctor and a spiritual guru, my new book “Take it up the Karma”, will to help you navigate through the minefield of unhappiness to the nudist camp of calm. You too can be the envy of your friends, rubbing your newly found nirvana right in their face in no time.

This critically mentioned book takes you through five easy-to-follow steps:

Step 1: Buy Enya CDs and wicker furniture.

People always ask me, “Gemma, how do you get so goddamn centered? TELL ME!”  To which I simply reply, “Is not he who smiles, evoking the act in the action?”

This has a very simple meaning; undertaking an action changes the overall outcome. Much like Shroedinkers Cats – he is a scientist from the past who would suffocate his pets in boxes to see how alive and dead he could make them.

So what am I saying in this first section? If you act like an enlightened person, this you will become.

Enya

Look how calm Enya's music makes Enya.

Step 2:  Love thy neighbour

Literally. Quite simply this section of the book deals with release and sharing, both emotionally and physically. Most organized religions preach abstinence, however I believe that one must spread love around – or even pass it in a circle at an organized event. To meet like-minded people in your area, call our personal Physical Release Expert & Organiser Rory Cashin on 086 *** *199 for more details.

It certainly helps when you have hot neighbours.

Step 3: Care for your Chakras

This segment deals with personal well-being. You have seven chakras; each are important energy points, which if kept unblocked and open, encourages health, happiness and vitally. These are: the Top of Your Head Chakra, the Inner Eye Chakra, the Neck Chakra, the Bosom Chakra, the Belly Chakra, the Underbelly Chakra and finally the important Genital Chakra.

In section 3 of “Take it up the Karma”, I will demonstrate the proper function of each and how to cure metaphysical ailments. For instance, did you know that if you poke your Underbelly Chakra, you would get a pain in your inner eye? Or that to place a blue crystal on your Neck Chakra cures the common cold?

Step 4: Dispel the demon of Money

I believe it was Gandhi who said “More Money, more problems…” and this wise man had a point. Even those creepy Catholics had it right when they said money is the root of all evil. Think about this for a minute; anything that has ever gone wrong in your life can be traced back to it.

Horrible boss? You put up with it for spondulas.

Sore foot? Doctors are too expensive.

Hangover? You couldn’t have bought all that beer without … you got it! MONEY.

So cast aside the shackles of this evil cash monster before you get bitten and too turn into a brain-eating zombie.

Number: **** **** **** 6756

Sort code: 78 – 09 – 65

If you send everything to this account it can be put through the cleansing process and put to good use. Helping sick children or puppies whatever.

Gandhi

Step 5: Complete transcendence

Easily attained; once finishing steps 1 – 4, total transcendence means becoming one with an enlightened community. Undertaking this means devoting your life totally to these ideals.

The most effective place to do this is at the Half A Giraffe Transcendence Camp. Located in the romantic setting of the nature-filled forests in Eastern Bolivia, here you will have a physical and mental routine to challenge and engage your soul. Devotees are placed into specific areas depending on their spiritual requirements such as:

–      Hand-sowing garments for Primark. To understand these teachings and the purest form of socialism – it is important to remain outside it. You know, for Clarity.

–      Farming. Being one with nature is being one with oneself in oneness. Join likeminded people in tending to our beautiful poppy and hemp fields.

–      Labs. Those who need to be reminded of our origin will be placed in the scientific labs. Here we create vast quantities of the compounds of enlightenment.

–      Servitude. One must lower oneself to rise above the false ideals of “Society”. Those lucky enough to be stationed here will experience the beauty of humility. By tending to the every whim of others, you are in fact tending to the every whim of your own soul.

Half a Giraffe Camp

Luxury accommodation

So please, join us. Happiness is 100% guaranteed* if you follow all the steps as outlined in “Take it up the Karma” – only available to purchase online at the nominal fee of €500 per ebook, exclusively at Half-a-Giraffe.com

Dr. Gemma “Deadly” Creagh

On a completely unrelated topic, do check out our friend’s the Diet of Worms Fringe Festival show, Cult. The previews start tomorrow and tickets are selling like sexy hotcakes, I’m sure!

*Terms and conditions may apply. Half a Giraffe are not responsible for depression, murder or instances of gigantism that sed book may propagate. You may not extract or re-utilise information derived from the text and/or any copies of such information (whether electronic or in hard copy format) for any commercial or business purpose including but not limited to, trading, building commercial databases, reselling or redistribution of such information.

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Posted in Staff Writer |

Five Reasons Not To Lose Weight

Friday, 9 September 2011 by Rory Cashin

Everybody thinks (and 95% of magazines remind you) that losing weight and being skinny is pretty much the best thing a person can do with their life. If the number of abs is higher than the number of your IQ, then prepare yourself to simply coast through life on a light, fluffy cloud of admiration and casual sex.

Its fair to assume that God does not love us all equally.

But if you weren’t born with the genetics that shows off your awesome Trapezius muscles, but instead are of a more doughy physique, fear not. There are plenty of good reasons to stay that way.

1. The Gym

Cross trainers. Rowing machines. Step machines. Bicycles that aren’t really going anywhere. What appears to be over a million different types of weights. Never entirely sure if you’re using any of this equipment correctly. Knowing that one slip in your own massing puddle of sweat on the treadmill will send you flying across the room. The music they play in the gym is some kind of techno-house dub-step remix of Kylie Minogue, so you bring your own music, but you’re not sure anymore just how loud your exhaling, so you stop breathing altogether. Your face is getting red. You may be on the verge of passing out. This is supposed to be good for you.

"I can feel the burn!"

Then there’s the swimming pool / jacuzzi / sauna trifecta of awkward social situations. You might just be in the pool for a little bit of a comedown paddle around, but you always seem to be in the same lane as the musclebound roided out bulldozer who has decided he’s going to be the next Michael Phelps, and if it’s necessary, he will swim right through you. But at least the pool has the pretense of fitness, whereas the jacuzzi and sauna are both just places you sit in your underwear (or not) in the company of strangers. Even the slightest glancing touch of a stranger will lead them to think that you want to bang them right there and then, but you can’t leave, because if you do they think you’re signalling them to join them in the changing room showers. So you’ve just condemned a stranger to an extra 20 minutes in the jacuzzi/sauna, because they won’t get out until they’re absolutely sure you’ve left the building.

2. Diet

So… you’re overweight. More than likely, this is because you like eating fatty foods and a lot of them. Which is fine, because all the best tasting food is fatty, so this is the price we pay. But if you want to get skinny, fatty, then you need to drop the fatty foods and pick up the fruits (ugh…) and the vegetables (UGH…) and go to town on those bad boys. But it’s not just that. You’ll find yourself checking the fat grams in EVERYTHING.

"How many calories are in this?"

I’m not going to get into the whole Weight Watchers thing because after some study, I never got round to fully understanding it. (It’s something to do with points, right? Like… you can have 20 points? And if you don’t use them, they roll over? It’s like some kind of eating lottery, yeah?) Friends of mine who are/have been on diets are always in a good mood when they come back from the gym, or after an unhealthy long mirror staring stint, but when it comes to dinner time, that good mood is gone. Even my good mood is tainted when I see their pathetic little portion of rice-cake and chicken breast shavings. And they look at my chinese takeaway with a mixture of longing and hatred. And then when it comes to their “Treat Day”, Holy Mother of God….

"GET! IN! MY! BELLY!"

3. Clothes Shopping

If you’re overweight, you probably have a lot of “comfortable” clothes that “fit” you, and that’s fine. If you suddenly lose all that weight, none of those clothes will fit you anymore, so you have to go buy new clothes. But now you don’t know what size you take anymore, so you’ve to try on loads of things. And if you’re still in the middle of your diet/workout plan, you still haven’t lost all the weight, so a few weeks from now, you’re going to have to go do it all again. Sounds like a lot of work to me.

Or maybe just buy a new belt.

Also, if you’re bigger boned, a lot of shops don’t stock clothes for you. Which can sometimes be a good thing, because if you need a near pair of jeans, you can go to one of the two shops that carry stock in XXXXXL. But if you’re now just a regular XL, you’ll find the world has opened up for you. And this can be overwhelming. Fashion is something that has a direct impact on your life now. There’s no point in losing all those X’s just to wear the same cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirt combo. But be careful you don’t go too far in the opposite direction, either…

I have no idea what gender of person this is.

4. It Is All Anyone Will Ever Want To Talk About Anymore

“Oh. My. GAWD! You look great! What have you been doing??!!” Compliments are awesome, and are the second greatest reason for losing weight, the first being you are now far more likely to be having sex with the person who is currently complimenting you. Unless you’re one of the unlucky few you looks super weird once they get skinny.

But hidden inside that compliment was an inquiry. They want to know how you went from a Jabba The Hut looking mess to this current Greek God(dess). They want to know, and they will do anything to find out. Anything.

You’ll tell them “Oh, you know, eat healthy and exercise…” No. No, this won’t do. They want specifics. They want to know what incline your treadmill was at. They want to know how many times you chewed the chicken shavings before you swallowed. They want the number of your liposuctionist because they don’t believe you got to be this way using nothing more than willpower.

And then come the invites. “Oh, you know the way you’re all into this health stuff now? Well, my neighbour is teaching a class in Tantric YoLates (that’s Yoga/Pilates, for all you outside of the know) and Asian Fusion ZumbaBoxing…” You have been warned.

5. For The Ladies

Your boobs will get smaller. Just FYI.

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Posted in Staff Writer |

Christopher Walken Reviews “Fright Night”

Saturday, 3 September 2011 by Ben Keenan

Afternoon, bitches and bastards, welcome to the worst day of your life. That’s right, it’s me, Christopher “Go Fuck Yourself” Walken. I’d like to extend a thank you to the pieces of shit over here at Quarter of a Hippo or whatever for not putting up much fight and letting me waltz right in and do whatever the fuck I want. This week, I bring to you a little interview I decided to do, with that meathead son of a bitch Colin Farrell. He’s in a picture, something with vampires, like I don’t get it. The fuck.

Interview went kinda like this:

Me, Christopher “Don’t Call Me Chris” Walken: Hey Colin, thanks for talking to me, it means a lot.

Colin: Ah wow! Chris Walken! Deadly!

Me: First of all, sonny Jim, cut the shit, I can make your head explode with a simple thought. It’s Mr. Walken, or if that’s too much work for you, just call me God.

Colin: Eh, yeah, fair enough Mr. God. Howiya?

Me: Yeah, I’m good, thanks. “Cheers”, right?

Colin: Yeah, cheers, yeah.

*About twenty seconds of silence as I stare at him*

Colin: *clears throat* Eh, did you catch the movie?

Me: I don’t watch movies but I made an exception with yours. Yes, I saw it. It’s burned into my brain forever. The series of flashing images rearranged the neurons in my brain, etching the memory into the structure of my consciousness. I made that exception for your film, Fright Night.

Colin: So you liked it, then?

Me: Not even slightly.

Colin: Eh, what did you think of me in it?

Me: I am not clear on why you were able to kill so many women and men without anybody raising the issue outside of the film.

Colin: Eh, wait, what do you mean?

Me: I mean, how were you able to kill all those people and then walk free to talk to me here? Is it magic? Is it something you can teach me in exchange for one of my own spells?

Colin: Maybe we should-

Me: I have some very powerful spells. I can set water on fire, I can make bees sing, couches will rise against their owners, dogs can fly, flowers can belch and women can vote.

*I get close to Colin’s face so he can smell how honest I’m being*

Me: Show me how to kill how you do, show me! SHOW ME!

===END OF TAPE===

This is where we managed to sedate Mr. Walken and return him to his natural habitat. We freed Mr. Farrell and he agreed not to press charges as long as Mr. Walken taught him how to make bees sing. Mr. Farrell will likely be leaving the spotlight behind to conduct a travelling bee choir as he has always maintained his life is on the road.

We requested a review from Mr. Walken. His submission was just a rather well-rendered hand-drawn picture of him masturbating onto a sad kitten. We have decided not to publish it for content and legal reasons.

We apologise to anyone Mr. Walken may have offended.

Posted in Review, Staff Writer |

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