Every year on December 31st, the bloated hungover masses vow never to do/eat/drink/ride whatever their individual vices may be, mostly in an effort to comply with the outdated social construction of the New Year’s resolution – something designed to make you feel so guilty could really only be a tool of the Catholic Church). So pretty much without fail every year, 99.9999999999999% of these earnestly uttered promises are broken within the early few hours of the 1st January.
The desire to better oneself goes as far back as history itself and generally promotes positivity in society, however this particular day of unnatural highly concentrated self-improvement is unsustainable. In fact the only thing that the N.Y.R. really does, is create the devastating realisation that we are deeply flawed creatures who will most likely die obese and alone while having a hand shady in front of the PlayStation, midway through the act of spooning butter into our unattractive gobs.
What a cold harsh truth to face up to on New Years day? – which is most likely not helped by that nasty hangover and the desperate need to get that transsexual Bolivian hooker out of your flat. And lets face it…. this horrid blow of disappointment is about as unappealing as our future-selves lycra-bound flabby arse on that vibro-plate.
New Year’s resolutions are always things like: “I must lose weight” but the subtext really is: “from now on I will get skinny and gorgeous. I will be a magnet for advances from either gender. I will get harassed by people offering to buy me drinks when I go to the bar because of how much of a giant RIDE I am. People who knew me in the past will break down in tears by glimpsing at my devastating beauty”. So somehow losing a few pounds will fix that lazy eye of yours? Those couple of kilos will instantly transform you into Ryan Reynolds or Scarlett Johansson? Not effing likely. Just get used to the fact that you will ALWAYS be your flawed delightfully pudgy self, and try and set the more realistic goal “I will be a little less pudgy, so I can fit in airplane seats” and the like.
There’s an ancient Chinese proverb:
The dung beetle does not try to fly like the dragonfly. It knows it’s place… eating shit.
You cannot fail if you don’t try, right? It’s simple mathematics really. A 0% failure rate is a beautiful thing to behold, so stack the odds in your own favour this time round. Instead of genuinely trying to better yourself, just pick resolutions that are easy and within your reach! Here are a few examples to get you started, but remember, the world is your easily-within-reach oyster:
1. Delete the local takeaway from your speed dial, the time you spend manually looking for the menu will allow you to eat it guilt free.
2. Don’t die.
3. Brush your hair most days.
4. Save money via call credit. Ignore your least important friend.
5. Extend your life with positive lifestyle changes… sleep at least an extra hour a day.
6. Burn extra calories by taking up bullying; you can lose 10lbs a year by playing the game “Stop Hitting Yourself” once a day.
7. Drink one less beer a week. But don’t stress yourself… if this proves difficult, have an extra whiskey instead.
8. Get dressed in outside clothes most days. If this is a bit much to ask, just add socks and a scarf to your stained underpants ensemble.
9. Educate yourself by watching more highbrow daytime TV. Exchange the Jeremy Kyle for a bit of Oprah.
10. Running every day? Well at least make an effort and blow your nose this year.
Happy New Year from Half a Giraffe!
Dr. Gemma Creagh,
Self Help Guru M.D.
Posted in Staff Writer |