Afternoon, bitches and bastards, welcome to the worst day of your life. That’s right, it’s me, Christopher “Go Fuck Yourself” Walken. I’d like to extend a thank you to the pieces of shit over here at Quarter of a Hippo or whatever for not putting up much fight and letting me waltz right in and do whatever the fuck I want. This week, I bring to you a little interview I decided to do, with that meathead son of a bitch Colin Farrell. He’s in a picture, something with vampires, like I don’t get it. The fuck.
Interview went kinda like this:
Me, Christopher “Don’t Call Me Chris” Walken: Hey Colin, thanks for talking to me, it means a lot.
Colin: Ah wow! Chris Walken! Deadly!
Me: First of all, sonny Jim, cut the shit, I can make your head explode with a simple thought. It’s Mr. Walken, or if that’s too much work for you, just call me God.
Colin: Eh, yeah, fair enough Mr. God. Howiya?
Me: Yeah, I’m good, thanks. “Cheers”, right?
Colin: Yeah, cheers, yeah.
*About twenty seconds of silence as I stare at him*
Colin: *clears throat* Eh, did you catch the movie?
Me: I don’t watch movies but I made an exception with yours. Yes, I saw it. It’s burned into my brain forever. The series of flashing images rearranged the neurons in my brain, etching the memory into the structure of my consciousness. I made that exception for your film, Fright Night.
Colin: So you liked it, then?
Me: Not even slightly.
Colin: Eh, what did you think of me in it?
Me: I am not clear on why you were able to kill so many women and men without anybody raising the issue outside of the film.
Colin: Eh, wait, what do you mean?
Me: I mean, how were you able to kill all those people and then walk free to talk to me here? Is it magic? Is it something you can teach me in exchange for one of my own spells?
Colin: Maybe we should-
Me: I have some very powerful spells. I can set water on fire, I can make bees sing, couches will rise against their owners, dogs can fly, flowers can belch and women can vote.
*I get close to Colin’s face so he can smell how honest I’m being*
Me: Show me how to kill how you do, show me! SHOW ME!
===END OF TAPE===
This is where we managed to sedate Mr. Walken and return him to his natural habitat. We freed Mr. Farrell and he agreed not to press charges as long as Mr. Walken taught him how to make bees sing. Mr. Farrell will likely be leaving the spotlight behind to conduct a travelling bee choir as he has always maintained his life is on the road.
We requested a review from Mr. Walken. His submission was just a rather well-rendered hand-drawn picture of him masturbating onto a sad kitten. We have decided not to publish it for content and legal reasons.
We apologise to anyone Mr. Walken may have offended.
Related posts:
