There is nothing within the social spectrum that causes more discomfort than the prospect of dancing. Now, don’t get us wrong, under the right circumstances and the correct amount of alcohol, dancing is sometimes the greatest thing that has ever been thought up by mankind. But outside of these oh-so-exact conditions, the dance can be this daunting, intimidating THING that cannot be easily defeated.
So, in light of this, we’ve decided to help you folk out. The following are some handy rules and guides that should assist you, so that the next time you suddenly find yourself on a dancefloor, you don’t collapse into the fetal position and rock back in forth in time with whatever song happens to be playing at the time.
- No matter how good a dancer you are, you should never dance too good. If you’re a woman and you dance too good, then you are a whore*. If you’re a man and you dance too good, then you are a gay*. Or black*. (But for some reason, not a black gay).
- As an extension of the above rule, you should not try to get your dance on properly in front of your co-workers or employers. Generally, an office party will happen somewhere that has some pretty MOR music, so the generally accepted “dance-move” is to stand still, with your arms around the shoulders of anyone standing beside you, while you scream along to whatever song is on at that moment. Do NOT show off, as your boss will think your heart is really in your dancing career, and will fire you in an attempt to help you “pursue your true dream”.
- However, if you find yourself in the situation where your dance moves are going down a storm with your workmates / girlfriend / etc, you may find that there will be someone who takes this as reason enough to believe that they too can dance. Common perpetrators of this are (A) your boss, (b) your girlfriend’s ugly ass best friend (c) your friends / workmates new girlfriend. You will be central to their newfound dance bravery, and this is dangerous. In this situation, utilize the right handed “drinky-drinky” hand motion, nod casually towards the bar, and run.
- If you’re on a first date that is going well, and you migrate from the pub to the club, do not take this as a safe environment to bust our your moves. In fact, dancing without the help of an instructor should not be attempted with a potential partner until well after you have had sex with them. You need to thread the fine line between “funny party animal” and “overexcited closet disco karaoke lover” very carefully. Lets not forget that dancing is connected to sex, and dancing alone is far more enjoyable that sexing alone.
- Things that should be easy to dance to, but aren’t: salsa music, anything by Prince, any song with the N-word in it.
- Things that should never see the light of day: The Worm, pelvic thrust action for more than 3.5 seconds, The Running Man.
- Things that are easy to dance to, but you shouldn’t; line dancing, anything by Lady GaGa, any song with the N-word in it.
- As a rule, dances that you would never do at home on your own are perfectly acceptable to perform in public, e.g. The Macarana, YMCA, the entire routine to Grease Lightning.
- Tips for Women: it is important that you never launch into a serious dance routine as learned in a dance class / on a Wii game / actual music video footage. You will never be as good as you think. Other women will hate you. Men will think you are easy, try it on, find out your a frigid bitch and you will end up eating curry chips barefoot with your shoes on the table in a chipper. Alone.
- Tips for Men: if you are in the tiny percentile of men who happen to be able to dance while still maintaining a fragment of cool, and you think you’re up to it, then you should get all your closeted dancing urges out in a hip-hop club. However, beware of dance-offs (yes, they actually do happen) as there are only three possible outcomes: (1) you’ll get served so badly that you have the leave the club immediately, your girlfriend will dump you and your boss will fire you. (2) you will badly injure yourself trying to keep up with the ungodly flexible black man. (3) somehow you beat the black man and you will be viewed as a racist, keeping the black man down.
- If all these tips seem a bit daunting, thankfully none other Will Smith has also decided to help out on the topic by, ironically, writing a DANCE song about it.
(* If you happen to be a whore, black man or gay man, then literally none of the above will apply to you, and you have earned your right to dance to whatever you want, whenever and wherever you want.)
Special thanks to Elaine Daly for helping me with the post.
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