We didn’t have a Christmas present for you, because we couldn’t figure out how to wrap World Peace, so we got you this instead! A little sketch shot back when the sun was yellow, instead of an unfeasibly icy white.

Every year on December 31^st, the bloated hungover masses vow never to do/eat/drink/ride whatever their individual vices may be, mostly in an effort to comply with the outdated social construction of the New Year’s resolution – something designed to make you feel so guilty could really only be a tool of the Catholic Church). So pretty much without fail every year, 99.9999999999999% of these earnestly uttered promises are broken within the early few hours of the 1^st January.

The desire to better oneself goes as far back as history itself and generally promotes positivity in society, however this particular day of unnatural highly concentrated self-improvement is unsustainable. In fact the only thing that the N.Y.R. really does, is create the devastating realisation that we are deeply flawed creatures who will most likely die obese and alone while having a hand shady in front of the PlayStation, midway through the act of spooning butter into our unattractive gobs.

What a cold harsh truth to face up to on New Years day? – which is most likely not helped by that nasty hangover and the desperate need to get that transsexual Bolivian hooker out of your flat. And lets face it…. this horrid blow of disappointment is about as unappealing as our future-selves lycra-bound flabby arse on that vibro-plate.

Realistic Expectations

New Year’s resolutions are always things like: “I must lose weight” but the subtext really is: “from now on I will get skinny and gorgeous. I will be a magnet for advances from either gender. I will get harassed by people offering to buy me drinks when I go to the bar because of how much of a giant RIDE I am. People who knew me in the past will break down in tears by glimpsing at my devastating beauty”. So somehow losing a few pounds will fix that lazy eye of yours? Those couple of kilos will instantly transform you into Ryan Reynolds or Scarlett Johansson? Not effing likely. Just get used to the fact that you will ALWAYS be your flawed delightfully pudgy self, and try and set the more realistic goal “I will be a little less pudgy, so I can fit in airplane seats” and the like.

Aim Low

There’s an ancient Chinese proverb:

The dung beetle does not try to fly like the dragonfly. It knows it’s place… eating shit.

You cannot fail if you don’t try, right? It’s simple mathematics really. A 0% failure rate is a beautiful thing to behold, so stack the odds in your own favour this time round. Instead of genuinely trying to better yourself, just pick resolutions that are easy and within your reach! Here are a few examples to get you started, but remember, the world is your easily-within-reach oyster:

1. Delete the local takeaway from your speed dial, the time you spend manually looking for the menu will allow you to eat it guilt free.

2. Don’t die.

3. Brush your hair most days.

4. Save money via call credit. Ignore your least important friend.

5. Extend your life with positive lifestyle changes… sleep at least an extra hour a day.

6. Burn extra calories by taking up bullying; you can lose 10lbs a year by playing the game “Stop Hitting Yourself” once a day.

7. Drink one less beer a week. But don’t stress yourself… if this proves difficult, have an extra whiskey instead.

8. Get dressed in outside clothes most days. If this is a bit much to ask, just add socks and a scarf to your stained underpants ensemble.

9. Educate yourself by watching more highbrow daytime TV. Exchange the Jeremy Kyle for a bit of Oprah.

10. Running every day? Well at least make an effort and blow your nose this year.

Happy New Year from Half a Giraffe!

Dr. Gemma Creagh,

Self Help Guru M.D.

I don’t honestly know what function they are supposed to serve – bathroom attendants seem to be intended to make the act of going to the bathroom in public more socially awkward than it already is. They also often disable the taps and hand-dryer keep trying to fill your pockets with sweets like an unsubtle pedophile.

While I briefly considered making this a racist post, I realised that a) every race on the planet has a member who can kick the shit out of me, and will, if I deserve it and b) it’s a cheap laugh for the sake of risking having my shit kicked out (see point a). I thought that sort of moral directive would be restrictive, but it turned out to open a door to a slew of race-independent humiliations and tactics that are sure to delight (you) and annoy (him) in equal measure.
Ladies, while these may work in a female bathroom, I’ve never managed to remain in one for more than half an hour without being ejected and so can’t speak from any experience. Sozages.

1.  Ask which stall has the glory hole – if he denies the existence of one, call him a homophobe.

2.  Go into one cubicle dressed as a man, come out as a woman.

You guys are making me uncomfortable

3.  Set up a second, competing bathroom assistant station and try to steal customers.

4.  Insist you are his assistant and then when he leaves to check with management, assume control of his post.

5.  Loudly complain that the X he sold you tastes like mint.

6.  Ask him to describe, in detail, each flavour of lollypop and then nod like a connoisseur.

7.  Never leave the bathroom.

8.  Go to the club, see what he’s wearing, go home, get the same outfit together, go back in, wave to him on the way into the stall, change to match him and when you come out, say “Well, one of us has to change”

I stand like this because I had a stroke

9.  Try to convince him to swap shirts with you.

10. On your own? This is a more directed version of number six. Sit on a toilet and see if you can read an entire book, cover to cover, without being removed. Extra points for every time you fob him off as he checks you haven’t fallen asleep/choked on your own vomit.

11. On the way out of the cubicle, ask him when was the last time he cleaned it. Whatever he says, answer “Not often enough” and show him the wad of money you just “found” in there.

12. On the way in, say to him, “Sorry, the ladies was full.”

13. Come out of the cubicle with your hands and arms soaking wet and tell him the flush isn’t working. When he goes in and flushes, say “Oh… I was doing that completely wrong.”

14. Loudly and clearly perform drug deals in front of him using bags of tic-tacs.

Any we’ve missed? Sound off in the comments!

10. The Green Lantern

(for a longer, funnier script version of this movie, click here)

Ryan Reynolds: Wow. This video game cost $200 million to make?

Mark Strong: This isn’t a video game… this is a movie.

Ryan Reynolds: Say what?

9. New Year’s Eve

Just About Every Actor In Hollywood: I wish *I* could find true love.

Just About Every Member Of The Audience: Are you kidding? Halle Berry and Ashton Kutcher can’t find true love? If people who look like Halle Berry and Ashton Kutchen can’t find true love, then what the fuck am I supposed to do? Go fuck yourself, Hollywood!

8. Apollo 18

Spaceman #1: Wow, the Moon is kinda dull for most of this movie…

Spaceman #2: OHMYGOD! Aliens! But they look like rocks so they’re the least scary aliens in the entire history of cinema! Run!

Audience: Will do. *runs*

7. Cowboys & Aliens

Daniel Craig: I have amnesia.

Harrison Ford: We’re going to wish we had amnesia once this movie comes out…

Olivia Wilde: Aliens are bad. But I’m an alien, but I’m good. So aliens are … good? *dies*

Director Jon Favreau: I gave up Iron Man 3 for this??

6. Battle Los Angeles

Aaron Eckhart: The trailer for this movie is AWESOME!

Michelle Rodriguez: I know, even my cliched appearance can’t screw this up-

Audience: This film blows. It’s not even clear why the aliens are here or why they’re blowing everything up.

Aaron Eckhart: Anyone else noticing a trend between bad movies and aliens this year?

5. Twilight Breaking Dawn Part One

Robert Pattinson: Lets get married.

Marriage: *takes a long time to happen*

Kirsten Stewart: Now that we’re married, we can finally have sex!

Sex: *is still bad for you. For some reason*

Taylor Lautner’s Abs: Even Abduction wasn’t as bad as this.

4. Demons Never Die

Tulisa From XFactor: *dies within 15 seconds*

Robert Sheehan: I’m the only person anyone in the audience has ever heard of now. This movie is mine!

Everyone Else In The Movie: You can ‘av’ ih, mate.

Audience: So… this is about… suicidal teens… being murdered… for being… suicidal? I don’t think I understand this movie.

3. Johnny English Reborn

Rowan Atkinson: Remember me?

English Speaking Audience: OH GOD! *runs from cinema*

Non-English Speaking Audience: You do funny faces! Here’s all of our money!

2. Dream House

Daniel Craig: Me again? This was a bad year.

Rachel Weisz: Hey, remember that essay you wrote in primary school at Halloween about the haunted house and the ghosts and it was all a dream at the end and blahdy blahdy blah?

Daniel Craig: Yeah?

Rachel Weisz: Well… *hands him the script*

Daniel Craig: Oh shit…..

1. Trespass

Nicolas Cage: *to Nicole Kidman* You’re in this?

Nicole Kidman: *to Nicolas Cage* You’re in this??

Cam Gigandet: I’m in this!!!

Nicolas Cage & Nicole Kidman: Oh shit…

Say WHAT!? That’s right folks, Half a Giraffe screened Tough Love at the Capital Irish Film Festival! That’s another feather in our cap. Or it would be if we had a cap. These film festivals just send you the feathers but not the caps, they assume you already have them, which is reasonable but inconvenient.

What?

Oh yeah, the link.

http://www.irishfilmdc.org/toughlove.html

Check it out.

DO IT.

(please!)

Now all we need to do is figure out how to scan those olive branch thingies.

In recent years Vincent has been kept busy with his columns for The Irish Times and The Sunday Business Post; his role as a part-time barrister and presenting popular political show Tonight with Vincent Browne, but despite his many intellectual and political pursuits he has always set aside time for personal grooming:

“Looking good is just as important as what you say – I’ve always had a hard on for integrity, inside and out”.

Described by The Guardian as an “acerbic host … Ireland’s Jeremy Paxman”, Vincent Browne has also been cited by top style magazines as Ireland’s answer to George Clooney. He has even been rumored to be taking over for the Hollywood star, as spokesperson for a regional Nesspresso advertising campaign.

Vincent’s long awaited fragrance will be on the shelves next month priced at €39.99.

Vincent isn’t the only Irish celeb to be cashing in with products this Christmas. The exclusive Joe Duffy Samsung Galaxy, will no doubt be a popular stocking filler; It even comes with a preloaded complaint hotlines app!

Ryan Tubridy’s Aerobic Workout has been topping the DVD charts alongside Neil Prenderville’s Stand Up double disc. Also Irish Masterchef Dylan McGrath is releasing a cookbook based on his Rustic Stone resteraunt’s recipies; “Steak, Hot Stone. Put meat on stone & Voilà!” Santa, we have you on standby!!!

1. The “Secret”

How many of you have encountered this update or Tweet? “Oh my God! I just got the best news ever! But I can’t talk about it! So HAPPY!”

To this, let me respond.

"I'm so happy for you!"

You’re a dick. Nobody likes you right now. You’ve got great news, so we’re jealous, and you won’t tell us, so we feel untrustworthy. I hope your promotion / lottery win / negative pregnancy test is worth the price of our friendship. Dick.

2. The “Happy Couple”

We all have friends. We all have friends who are in couples. And now we all have friends who are in couples and seemed to have decided to have every. single. conversation. via the medium of Facebook or Twitter. You both have phones, right? Can you not text this conversation? Or call each other? Even though you’ve only just left each other’s company minutes ago? No?

"We're laughing at all of our single friends. They're so alone!"

We get that you’re happy, and we’re happy that you’re happy, but seriously now… this isn’t cool. Having a lovey-dovey conversation on Twitter is the equivalent of standing in two opposite corners of a crowded bar and shouting at each other how much you love each other. It’s annoying your single friends for obvious reasons, and you’re other be-coupled friends because you make them question their relationship because they don’t feel the need to announce every tiny emotion to each other. Don’t you do it, cool couples! You’re a cool couple! You’re cool because you keep it to yourself! This OPDA (Online Public Display of Affection) must come to an end!

3. The “Announcer”

In preparation for this article, I wrote down the following list of updates and tweets over the last week.

- Awake (x 7)

- Hungry (x 3)

- Tired (x 12)

- Wet (x 47) (It rained a lot this week)

- Hungover (x 19) (It’s Ireland)

- Bed (x 4)

- Annoyed (x 11)

- FML (x 6)

That’s it. That was their entire update/status. Now, I get the concept of micro-blogging… but come on. They give you 140 characters to work with on Twitter. Do you think you’re Ashton Kutcher, is that it? Do you think you can just write “Awake” and people will be sated in the knowledge that you’re no longer asleep? DO YOU THINK YOU’RE ASHTON KUTCHER?? COS YOU AIN’T! Now look, you’ve made me go all Kanye…

"YOU AIN'T KUTCHER, BRO!"

4. The “Show Off”

If, say, you work as a builder or a plumber and for some reason you win tickets to a film premiere and an after party and there are famous people there, by all means, tell your friends. That shit is cool, and your friends will want to hear about your cool shit.

If, however, you work as a PR manager or a Social Media Head Honcho and you get invited to every single film premiere and after party that there has ever been, then please shut the fuck up. “Just hanging here at yet another free bar, knocking back shots of Patron with Charlize Theron and Ryan Gosling. How teeeeeeeedious.”

"Yeah, we were freebasing off Pamela Anderson's navel. Pretty tame Tuesday, really."

We get it, you’re important (or just know important people) and you want to show off a little bit. You might think you’re not showing off, that you’re just telling people about your job, and this is what your job entails. But think back to that plumber. Does he TwitPic images of blocked toilets every week? No, he doesn’t, he keeps that shit to himself. And unless someone asks, so should you.

Welcome to Half a Giraffe’s Irish presidential election day special. We know when you want hard-hitting political analysis you go to HAG. And just like any legitimate political theory website, we talk about the fact that we are a legitimate source of information.

This article is, we think, illegal, as there’s meant to be a media blackout of the election in the hours running up to it. However, the antics of this election were practically made for tabloids, not only can the childish grasp the issues as well as the candidates, the bright colourful characters are straight out of Britain’s Got Talent, thus we figured we’d finally throw our hat into the ring.

So…let me push the proverbial disapproving glasses to the front of my nose and look over them, casting judgement on this year’s wacky wagon of people looking to be a major Irish figurehead who will turn up at important things to talk about them for about 20 mins or so before being shuffled off to their home beside the zoo.

Let’s start with the weakest

Dana. I don’t know much about DANA (deoxyribonucleic acid) but she appears to be a child. She cries like a child and her brother is her manager, much like a child’s would be if they were playing president. I know she’s a good singer but that’s like having plenty of experience as a postdoctoral research fellow using water vapour to grow latin american orchids if you’re applying to be in wrestlemania. I guess I should mention the scandal with her brother, who apparently is a paedophile rapist.

Norris. Norris is a paedophile rapist. ONLY JOKING! He’s *not* a paedophile rapist, he just sympathises with and wrote 7 letters on behalf of one, in addition to making remarks suggesting that he’d like to have been paedophile raped. So it’s a little bit different with Norris. Norris has come across as silly in this campaign, l guess he’s been a senator for so many years I somehow thought of him as a real politician, not a member of a ridiculous marginally-democratic house of powerless mini-presidents, a political institution damned by the public which stays alive because every politician has friends who are in it.

Gay Mitchell. Gay is the ultimate grey suit. He’s totally bland and boring, except for the fact that he’s not likeable. That’s not a good thing to say about anybody, and it’s incredible that he’s managed to get this close to being elected President.

He manages to talk in a manner that is at once ambitious yet strangely directionless, like if Hitler had tried to invade the Atlantic Ocean for his Lebensraum. Gay Mitchell shines like the moon, in that his views are mostly the reflected light of his criticism of the other candidates, that’s honestly the only time you ever see any vestige of personality. He’s also 59, which is a really boring age.

Martin McGuiness. Martin McGuiness doesn’t have a lot to do with the South of Ireland (or “Ireland” as we like to call it). He has repeatedly referred to the country as “down there” suggesting he hasn’t mentally left Northern Ireland. Martin McGuiness is probably a murderer from a different country trying to run for President of Ireland. To fairly evaluate the man, the circumstances under which he took part in IRA activities should be considered, as at the time the Catholics in the North really were oppressed horribly.

A careful eye is needed to pick apart the differences between McGuinness and people like Michael Collins both of whom murdered in the apparent interest of bettering the state/people. At a minimum McGuiness should be ineligible due to the lack of transparency about what he did and what others in Sinn Féin did, such as the northern Bank robbery. According to Martin McGuiness, the focus of his presidency would be to attract international investors to Ireland. Let me tell you if McGuinness were to win, he’d attract international investors to Ireland about as well as a tofu bar situated between two steakhouses would attract a mob of hungry truckers.

Figure 1

Mary. Mary was involved in the special Olympics, or actually no, I think it’s that she was especially involved in the regular Olympics. I can only imagine the training she had to do, being involved in a general way with an association that works to organise a competition. That’s vaguely impressive, but she’ll have to do more than be involved in a general way if she wants to be a ceremonial figure head.

Anyway, people who know her says she’s very good at what she does and I’m inclined to believe them. The best the tabloids can come out with is that she’s been on lots of committees… which I guess is something you don’t understand if you’re a tabloid reader. You probably think that committees are the thing that put your cousin in jail, no, that was a jury. Anyway, enjoy your packet of bacon rinds tabloid-reader, I’ve gotta go write about Michael D Higgins now.

Michael D Higgins. A lot has been made of the fact that Iron Mike Higgins, as nobody calls him, looks like a hobbit. But I’d say he actually looks a lot more like Dobby. Anyway Higgins is old and whilst he doesn’t have the sex appeal (to below age teenage men) of Norris or the adorable “I need an adult!”ness of Dana, he does bring some credibility to the position. He’s the sort of guy and the sort of age the position was built (dug) for.

I didn’t know Higgins before this election, a quick google shows you that he was minister for the Gaeltacht…. and Gaeltachts are important economically, you know, it’s important to realise just how much of a money sink they are to the economically productive parts of the country. And if he oversaw the perpetually bailed out realm of the Bog Lords, perhaps now that the whole country is being bailed out he can oversee us too?

The graph in figure 1 above become even more depressing if you include the Mitchell factor. Figure 2

Sean Gallagher. Like Dresden, Sean exploded just as the war was coming to an end. However I’ll contend that his Fianna Fail/brown envelope/bla bla bla scandal is only part of it, despite his earlier popularity. Sean doesn’t seem like a president to me. In order to see why you have to take in a number of factors:

1. Sean speak ok, no more no less. He isn’t very funny, but he speaks with a certain competence.

2. He’s achieved a fair amount. He seems like the sort of guy to get things done. However he isn’t a mega vomit-blastering success either (eg like Michael O Leary etc).

The role of President of Ireland, at the moment, is to give speeches at ribbon cuttings. For this you need to be able to lend the event some levity or credibility. Sean falls short on levity, he can’t lyrically prance around in dungarees like Norris. Credibility-wise he’s simply not well known enough and hasn’t done enough nationally. A more famous person with his skill could shake up this role to something more than a professional tea-drinker, but Sean has to get elected first.

Sean Gallagher’s fairly well done himself in with his live on air Pat-Kennys-finest-moment-of-television-ever U-turn on whether he accepted a cheque or not. But it was always a little bit unusual for a man so young to want to be put out to pasture. You could summarise it as this, Sean Gallagher’s main strength is his relative competence and this simply isn’t required as president.

So as you head off to fill your car with beer, get naked and go to vote today remember this article. And then remember your own previous view, cause it was probably better. As a child I used to look at elections like this and assume that these guys must be geniuses in limousines who know about the issues amazingly well. As we can tell from figure 1 and especially 2 above, this isn’t the case.

In this horrendous economy, people are being sacked and made redundant left, right and center. Cut backs and outsourcing are causing thousands of people across the country to get the old ‘heave-ho’ and be forced to reapply for their old jobs in the likes of Xtravision and Superquinn, despite having a PHD and/or Nobel prizes.

So if you’ve been given your notice in your current place of employment and only have a few more weeks left in that soul-destroying job you never wanted anyway – well, here’s a list of things you can do to make your time left more enjoyable.

1. Move things around

The pens are on the top shelf? No, not anymore, now they are kept in the Staff kitchen. Accounts? The lift, obviously. 2010 receipts? Toilet cistern. The overall goal is to convince management that they have Alzheimer’s. A great tip is to take whatever the boss was handling last and put it in the fridge. This move is called “the Joey”.

2. A Steal

I say steal, but really it’s asshole tax. Staplers, stock, computers, chairs, desks, doors; everything is up for grabs. Think of it as a self-assessed redundancy package.

Disclaimer: Murdering Boss not condoned.

3. Keeping it Personnel

Fuck with HR’s files. This might take some mission impossible-style heist action, or the employment of a computer hacker (some take payment of office supplies – see above) but the essence of this plan is to destroy whatever career is left for the un-redundant brown-nosers who ratted out your wank breaks to the supervisor. Simple statements like “warning issued for theft” or “tendency towards Sexual harassment” scribbled on personnel files will work a treat.

4. Something Fishy…

Leaving dead fish behind the rads – A classic. They can never prove it was you and there’s an added poetic justice to it: Being fired stinks!!

5. Take the clients with you

This might not necessarily be applicable to most jobs, but hell… it always sounds cool when they say it in the movies. Even if you didn’t, pretend that you got a job with the competitors and poach them on their behalf.

"Your Christmas Bonus is free TIME! Congratulations, you're redundant!"

6. Order in

Now is the time for the office to stock up right? Make sure you order plenty of pens, equipment, office furniture, 10,000 should do it (or whatever the credit limit is on the supplier). Even if they do arrive before you leave, you could steal them or use them to build a fort. Win/Win!

7. N.S.F.W.

Now is the time to make lemonparty and goatsecs the home pages on all the work computers, send around all those crude emails, make brash advances to the intern. The world is your inappropriate oyster.

8. D.I.Y

Use the time you used to spend working to practice carpentry. Loosen the bolts on all the workplace furniture to help ensure accidents happen.

"They're so I don't forget I HATE YOU"

9. Identity crisis

Time for some memos, telling everyone what you REALLY thought of them. “Marge, you’re a nasty bitch”; “Timmy a cabbage could do your job better than you”. But don’t sign your own name, references and that – instead sign the boss’s. Don’t forget to cc the District Manager.

10. Sabotage

It’s the little things that count. Shorten one leg on every desk so they’re nice and wobbly. Swap the all black ink cartridges in all the pens you ordered with the red ones. Break one wheel on every computer chair.

REDUNDANCY THAT BITCHES. Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha!

This past week we’ve had the Global Economic Forum, where industry leaders, heads of state and Dara O’Brian spoke, listened and tried to come up with plans on how to save our island of saints & scholars before leaving to the countries they emigrated to.

IMF loans are designed to help to ease the pain, and like any self respecting loan receiver from Tallaght, Ireland is considering the option of forgetting that money ever arrived and defaulting on the repayments. Much like World War II, we have a lot to thank the Germans for. They’re giving us money so we don’t have to accept smug British money (or at least, not as much of it).

All of this is vein. Doing the semi-occasional comedy blog guest post has decreed me with a sense of loftiness and economic prowess (you get a free pint for doing this) that has given me he ego that only an Irish person could have. I am going to ignore the pundits, the experts and the nobel prize winners and declare my own 5 point plan to recover the economy. What follows is my plan for economy recovery, stability and the beginnings of a master plan to make Ireland a global leader.

Neighbours... and lovers (we assume)

1. IrelandAid. It took a BBC news piece highlighting the plight of starving children in Africa to get an Irish man who emigrated to the UK to take action. Bob Geldof’s mediocre career in music was not going to be how people remember him. Nor was it going to get him a fancy house in Dalkey. No, it was going to be a concert that didn’t feature his band, but instead featured what many would have otherwise called “the coherent Boomtown Rats”, U2. Queen – who otherwise would have become a Boomtown Rats tribute band – would also benefit from the conert.

LiveAid was born, and delivered millions of needed sterlings to starving African children.

As such, the first part of my 5-point plan is to have the BBC do a piece on the news about the starving children in fields in Finglas who have to drink cans of cider instead of eating. It should also highlight the plight of people living in squalor, Fatima Mansions.

Once this airs Bob Geldof will no doubt have to spring into action to do IrelandAid, a live money-raising concert to help the Irish economy… live from Wembley, London, England – where he calls home.

2. Hire more people in state jobs. This sounds ludicrous because the government already hires far too many people. However no one cares about farmers, so we can trim the fat on the department of agriculture and re-invest in hiring people where they’re needed.

In post offices, handing out €180 a week to drug addicts and alcoholics.

Hiring “dole operators” gives people a job helping people who need jobs. There’s nothing like the satisfaction of receiving your dole cheque every week from a snarling ungreatful scumbag who realistically should be the one receiving the cheque in the first place.

3. Ireland operates in Europe, which is built on a fundamental idea of free trade across member states. This helps economic growth and sharing of wealth. Ireland has been a great recipiant of goods, services, jobs and people as a result of this.

Selling Irish goods to British, French, German, etc. people has been great. Unfortunately a lot of Latvian and Romanian people have been stealing Irish goods, but on balance it’s been beneficial to Ireland.

As such the third plan is to sell our crowning achievement; Enda Kenny.

No one looked at this malnourished ginger from the West of Ireland and thought he could plaigarise a speech given by U.S. president Barrack Obama right in front of the man himself – but he did. He did it with poise and grace. Not only that, he managed it after the high of seeing Jedward perform.

As such, I recommend selling him to a foreign nation for a lot of money. This would add buoyancy to our economy and give us the chance to hire a new leader, leading me to economic plan number four…

4. Get rid of the president and role his/her job into the Taoiseach’s. We don’t need a head of state being a nanny for the government. Instead, give all of the power to a single person. At the time it was a very controversial decision but in the end it worked out well for Germany. Only 60 odd years later and they’re the biggest powerhaus of Europe.

We can also, having shipped out our current leader and sold the Áras to Americans, hire our new Taoiseach at the minimum wage, setting an example to the rest of us: that it’s fine to spend 40 hours a week earning €320 when you could have had 40 hours free for only €140 less.

5. Bring in lower corporation tax rates and lower tax on the rich. These are the people that hire the rest of us. We need to nourish and look after the 1%.

It’s also worth imposing strict corporal punishment rules on those who occupy streets where the 1% work. Impeding on their work only stops economic growth, and we need those 1% working hard on drinking foreign bourbon, smoking Cuban cigars and spending as much money in foreign lands as possible.

Keeping the 1% happy keeps everyone happy.

- Pitbull

Having titled his most recent album Planet Pit (ugh…), clearly Pitbull doesn’t think too highly of himself. But since his first album in 2004, he has released SIX albums, and this year alone, has released four singles of his own, and guest appeared on seven others. Go away.

- Katherine Heigl

Rotten Tomatoes scores of Heigl’s last four films; Killers (11%), Life As We Know It (28%), The Ugly Truth (14%), 27 Dresses (40%, hooray!). Next up is the rom-com New Years Day, the semi-sequel to Valentine’s Day (17%), and then One For The Money, from the director of The Last Song (20%) which is about a bounty hunter chasing down their ex, which sounds a lot like The Bounty Hunter (7%).

- will.i.am

Almost single-handedly responsible for the failure of Cheryl Cole’s career, and also the introduction of the current trend in monotonous electro-dance-r’n'b hybrid that EVERY. SINGLE. SONG must sound like lately. He’s also thinking he can act (X-Men Wolverine: 37%) and is being hired as a creative director for Intel (WTF??). Top it all off with his new album title, The Black Einstein, and he’s changing his name to Zuper Blahq. Gross.

- Kate Hudson

Back to Rotten Tomatoes: A Little Bit Of Heaven (6%), Something Borrowed (14%), Bride Wars (11%), Fool’s Gold (11%), My Best Friends Girl (14%), You Me & Dupree (21%), Raising Helen (23%), Alex & Emma (11%)… thats quite a track record. Remember to the girl from Almost Famous? What happened to her? We miss her. Come back when you’re her again.

- David Guetta

Think of every annoyingly catchy song that seems to be played in every club and on every radio station every day for three months straight. There is a very good chance that Guetta was involved with it. There was a moment, some time in 2009, when it seemed like he was a good influence. But then, just like will.i.am, everything seemed to sound the same. Also, his song titles are the worst kind of generic, but we all look forward to future releases “Dance To This” and “Music Is Nice”.

Also shortlisted for expulsion from life:

- Lil’ Wayne. So far in 2011, Mister Wayne has appeared on over THIRTY different singles, not including any he has released himself. He’s done raps with Jennifer Lopez, Joe Jonas, Madonna and Mariah Carey. Isn’t there some kind of Rap Guy Respect Repo company out there hunting him down?

- Jack Black. His films seem to do rather well critically (five of his last eight movies scored over 70% on RT), but he himself… he is just draining. And when he gets it wrong (Gulliver’s Travels, Year One), its a cinematic train wreck. Take some time off, a few years maybe, then come back with a dramedy like Will Ferrell did with Stranger Than Fiction. Actually, come to think of it…

- Will Ferrell. Take another break, then come back with Even Stranger Than Fiction.

- RedOne, real name Nadir Khayat. There’s a very good chance you have no idea who he is, but he wrote and produced the following songs: “Just Dance”, “LoveGame”, “Poker Face”, “Bad Romance”, “Alejandro”, “Judas”… that’s right. RedOne is the person responsible for Lady GaGa’s popularity. We need to sort this problem out from it’s source.

Hello there dearies, it’s me again,

I’m just writing a wee letter to let ye know how much I love you. Thank you for nominating me to be your president again. Third time lucky, isn’t that what we say? I don’t hold it against you for forgetting to vote for me the first two cockadoody times. Not even a little eeny weeny bit. Even when that Mary McAleese, who’s basically a protestant, stood up there, a proud dirty birdy, proud as punch so she was, even when she stood up there all basically protestant and proud, I knew you loved me more, because God told me so.

Let me tell you a little something about God. I know a lot of you out there these days are atheists and homosexuals, and that’s fine, God loves you, even if you don’t want him to. Even if you don’t believe in him, he’s inside you. He’s inside all of us, especially me, and he told me how much you all love me. Why else would have taken me to number one all those long years ago? Don’t worry my pets, my little Irish sweethearts, soon I’ll be president again and then I can be Queen of Ireland again and then I can be on the charts again and you’ll all remember how much you love me. Forever and ever.

Now, I hear things people say in the internet about me and at twitter on me. They think that being born in the UK, raised in The North and then moving to Alabama for a lot of my life makes me unsuitable to be president, that living in America making a fortune from running a Christian record label (until we got sued, God bless us) puts me out of touch with the plight of the average Irish person. My answer to those facebooking, twitterering emailers is this: do you want an average Irish person ruling you with a dull intellect and colonial complex, or do you want someone better, someone from a proper country to rule you with the kindly iron fist of God?

That’s what I thought.

People complain about property bubbles and international markets, but you put your faith in me, I’ll keep my faith in God (where it belongs) and together we’ll rid this island of divorce and contraception, and keep abortion at bay, lock the teenage mothers up, sacrifice Enda Kenny to The Pope and make prayer part of the Leaving Cert. And don’t get me started on gay rights – we’ll laugh them out of our churches and rid the island of those dirty perverts faster than you can say “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”.

I’m also pleased to see that science has gotten yet another thing completely wrong with this neutrino nonsense. When I wrap my big, loving arms around this country I’ll be sure to shut down the satanic science faculties in our universities and get them pumping out priests as fast as possible to get God back into our primary schools, to head that Big Bang / Evolution nonsense off at the pass.

God bless you, all of you, especially those of you too contemptible to believe,

Dana

XoXoXoXo

“A guide to minding mindfulness that’s so healing it would make the Dali Llama shit himself.”

– (Esteemed Client) Barack Obama

The modern world is one full of stresses  – external as well as internal. As a both medical doctor and a spiritual guru, my new book “Take it up the Karma”, will to help you navigate through the minefield of unhappiness to the nudist camp of calm. You too can be the envy of your friends, rubbing your newly found nirvana right in their face in no time.

This critically mentioned book takes you through five easy-to-follow steps:

Step 1: Buy Enya CDs and wicker furniture.

People always ask me, “Gemma, how do you get so goddamn centered? TELL ME!”  To which I simply reply, “Is not he who smiles, evoking the act in the action?”

This has a very simple meaning; undertaking an action changes the overall outcome. Much like Shroedinkers Cats – he is a scientist from the past who would suffocate his pets in boxes to see how alive and dead he could make them.

So what am I saying in this first section? If you act like an enlightened person, this you will become.

Look how calm Enya's music makes Enya.

Step 2:  Love thy neighbour

Literally. Quite simply this section of the book deals with release and sharing, both emotionally and physically. Most organized religions preach abstinence, however I believe that one must spread love around – or even pass it in a circle at an organized event. To meet like-minded people in your area, call our personal Physical Release Expert & Organiser Rory Cashin on 086 *** *199 for more details.

It certainly helps when you have hot neighbours.

Step 3: Care for your Chakras

This segment deals with personal well-being. You have seven chakras; each are important energy points, which if kept unblocked and open, encourages health, happiness and vitally. These are: the Top of Your Head Chakra, the Inner Eye Chakra, the Neck Chakra, the Bosom Chakra, the Belly Chakra, the Underbelly Chakra and finally the important Genital Chakra.

In section 3 of “Take it up the Karma”, I will demonstrate the proper function of each and how to cure metaphysical ailments. For instance, did you know that if you poke your Underbelly Chakra, you would get a pain in your inner eye? Or that to place a blue crystal on your Neck Chakra cures the common cold?

Step 4: Dispel the demon of Money

I believe it was Gandhi who said “More Money, more problems…” and this wise man had a point. Even those creepy Catholics had it right when they said money is the root of all evil. Think about this for a minute; anything that has ever gone wrong in your life can be traced back to it.

Horrible boss? You put up with it for spondulas.

Sore foot? Doctors are too expensive.

Hangover? You couldn’t have bought all that beer without … you got it! MONEY.

So cast aside the shackles of this evil cash monster before you get bitten and too turn into a brain-eating zombie.

Number: **** **** **** 6756

Sort code: 78 – 09 – 65

If you send everything to this account it can be put through the cleansing process and put to good use. Helping sick children or puppies whatever.

Step 5: Complete transcendence

Easily attained; once finishing steps 1 – 4, total transcendence means becoming one with an enlightened community. Undertaking this means devoting your life totally to these ideals.

The most effective place to do this is at the Half A Giraffe Transcendence Camp. Located in the romantic setting of the nature-filled forests in Eastern Bolivia, here you will have a physical and mental routine to challenge and engage your soul. Devotees are placed into specific areas depending on their spiritual requirements such as:

–      Hand-sowing garments for Primark. To understand these teachings and the purest form of socialism – it is important to remain outside it. You know, for Clarity.

–      Farming. Being one with nature is being one with oneself in oneness. Join likeminded people in tending to our beautiful poppy and hemp fields.

–      Labs. Those who need to be reminded of our origin will be placed in the scientific labs. Here we create vast quantities of the compounds of enlightenment.

–      Servitude. One must lower oneself to rise above the false ideals of “Society”. Those lucky enough to be stationed here will experience the beauty of humility. By tending to the every whim of others, you are in fact tending to the every whim of your own soul.

Luxury accommodation

So please, join us. Happiness is 100% guaranteed* if you follow all the steps as outlined in “Take it up the Karma” – only available to purchase online at the nominal fee of €500 per ebook, exclusively at Half-a-Giraffe.com

Dr. Gemma “Deadly” Creagh

On a completely unrelated topic, do check out our friend’s the Diet of Worms Fringe Festival show, Cult. The previews start tomorrow and tickets are selling like sexy hotcakes, I’m sure!

Its fair to assume that God does not love us all equally.

But if you weren’t born with the genetics that shows off your awesome Trapezius muscles, but instead are of a more doughy physique, fear not. There are plenty of good reasons to stay that way.

1. The Gym

Cross trainers. Rowing machines. Step machines. Bicycles that aren’t really going anywhere. What appears to be over a million different types of weights. Never entirely sure if you’re using any of this equipment correctly. Knowing that one slip in your own massing puddle of sweat on the treadmill will send you flying across the room. The music they play in the gym is some kind of techno-house dub-step remix of Kylie Minogue, so you bring your own music, but you’re not sure anymore just how loud your exhaling, so you stop breathing altogether. Your face is getting red. You may be on the verge of passing out. This is supposed to be good for you.

"I can feel the burn!"

Then there’s the swimming pool / jacuzzi / sauna trifecta of awkward social situations. You might just be in the pool for a little bit of a comedown paddle around, but you always seem to be in the same lane as the musclebound roided out bulldozer who has decided he’s going to be the next Michael Phelps, and if it’s necessary, he will swim right through you. But at least the pool has the pretense of fitness, whereas the jacuzzi and sauna are both just places you sit in your underwear (or not) in the company of strangers. Even the slightest glancing touch of a stranger will lead them to think that you want to bang them right there and then, but you can’t leave, because if you do they think you’re signalling them to join them in the changing room showers. So you’ve just condemned a stranger to an extra 20 minutes in the jacuzzi/sauna, because they won’t get out until they’re absolutely sure you’ve left the building.

2. Diet

So… you’re overweight. More than likely, this is because you like eating fatty foods and a lot of them. Which is fine, because all the best tasting food is fatty, so this is the price we pay. But if you want to get skinny, fatty, then you need to drop the fatty foods and pick up the fruits (ugh…) and the vegetables (UGH…) and go to town on those bad boys. But it’s not just that. You’ll find yourself checking the fat grams in EVERYTHING.

"How many calories are in this?"

I’m not going to get into the whole Weight Watchers thing because after some study, I never got round to fully understanding it. (It’s something to do with points, right? Like… you can have 20 points? And if you don’t use them, they roll over? It’s like some kind of eating lottery, yeah?) Friends of mine who are/have been on diets are always in a good mood when they come back from the gym, or after an unhealthy long mirror staring stint, but when it comes to dinner time, that good mood is gone. Even my good mood is tainted when I see their pathetic little portion of rice-cake and chicken breast shavings. And they look at my chinese takeaway with a mixture of longing and hatred. And then when it comes to their “Treat Day”, Holy Mother of God….

"GET! IN! MY! BELLY!"

3. Clothes Shopping

If you’re overweight, you probably have a lot of “comfortable” clothes that “fit” you, and that’s fine. If you suddenly lose all that weight, none of those clothes will fit you anymore, so you have to go buy new clothes. But now you don’t know what size you take anymore, so you’ve to try on loads of things. And if you’re still in the middle of your diet/workout plan, you still haven’t lost all the weight, so a few weeks from now, you’re going to have to go do it all again. Sounds like a lot of work to me.

Or maybe just buy a new belt.

Also, if you’re bigger boned, a lot of shops don’t stock clothes for you. Which can sometimes be a good thing, because if you need a near pair of jeans, you can go to one of the two shops that carry stock in XXXXXL. But if you’re now just a regular XL, you’ll find the world has opened up for you. And this can be overwhelming. Fashion is something that has a direct impact on your life now. There’s no point in losing all those X’s just to wear the same cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirt combo. But be careful you don’t go too far in the opposite direction, either…

I have no idea what gender of person this is.

4. It Is All Anyone Will Ever Want To Talk About Anymore

“Oh. My. GAWD! You look great! What have you been doing??!!” Compliments are awesome, and are the second greatest reason for losing weight, the first being you are now far more likely to be having sex with the person who is currently complimenting you. Unless you’re one of the unlucky few you looks super weird once they get skinny.

But hidden inside that compliment was an inquiry. They want to know how you went from a Jabba The Hut looking mess to this current Greek God(dess). They want to know, and they will do anything to find out. Anything.

You’ll tell them “Oh, you know, eat healthy and exercise…” No. No, this won’t do. They want specifics. They want to know what incline your treadmill was at. They want to know how many times you chewed the chicken shavings before you swallowed. They want the number of your liposuctionist because they don’t believe you got to be this way using nothing more than willpower.

And then come the invites. “Oh, you know the way you’re all into this health stuff now? Well, my neighbour is teaching a class in Tantric YoLates (that’s Yoga/Pilates, for all you outside of the know) and Asian Fusion ZumbaBoxing…” You have been warned.

5. For The Ladies

Your boobs will get smaller. Just FYI.