It is not uncommon for major publications to write epitaphs for famous folk before they’ve died, so they have a rough draft of the news of their death ready to go asap. Of course, sometimes that leads to some weird situations…
So, with this in mind, its probably for the best that we get cracking on the epitaphs of all us Half A Giraffe-ers. Using a potent mix of powerful psychics and scientific likelihood, this is what we’ve come up with. Try to hold back your tears…
Born 18th September 1984
Died 11th May 2066
At the age of 35, Professor Keenan had achieved everything he had ever wanted. Three Oscars for directing, two for producing, four for Best Visual Effects, two Lifetime Achievement Awards and an MTV Best Kiss Award that he co-won with Sofia Vergara, Keenan and his hundreds of millions of dollars disappeared on to his private island off the coast of Brazil.
Almost 50 years later, a documentary crew snuck onto Isla Keena to discover his whereabouts. What they found had to be seen to be believed; Keenan had converted the entire island into a real-life, to scale version of Minecraft. Entire mountains and massive cave systems built out of perfectly cubed blocks of rock, and at the very center of the island was Keenan’s corpse, hoveled over a Mac that he apparently made from scratch out of materials on the island. And on the Mac screen? Minecraft.
“Into The Minecraft Of Madness; A Ben Keenan Story” was released in 2068 in 4-D, with Keenan somehow winning yet another Lifetime Achievement Award.
Born 20th November 1984
Died 27th December 2085
In 2014, scientific studies were conducted on all persons living and dead, and it was discovered that Gemma Creagh was the greatest actor ever to have graced the Earth. Her commitment to her roles made the likes of Christian Bale and 50 Cent look like part-time local-theater chorus-line losers.
For her role in “The Drunkest Woman To Have Ever Lived”, Creagh decided to become the drunkest woman to have ever lived. Less than two years later she was used as a “Before” poster for Drink Aware campaigns, was the reason Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan went stone cold sober, and actually lost out on the role because she was so drunk.
Seventy years later, Creagh had sobered up, got A LOT of plastic surgery, and got the lead in the remake of “The Drunkest Woman To Have Ever Lived”… which was now a movie about the life of Gemma Creagh. On the last day of the shoot, Creagh was found dead in her trailer, having discovered at this moment that she was allergic to tap water, and as per her Last Will & Testaments instructions, Kevin Dowling was buried alive at the bottom of her coffin.
Born 12th June 1984
Instead of having a single biography written about him, publishers found it was easier to simply rewrite most of the history and science books in existence, such was McNamee’s impact on society and the world in general. Having discovered the Dodo surviving in a secret underworld beneath Newgrange, solved the mathematical equation for time travel and re-wrote Lost, then produced and directed the remake, starred as all the characters, cut it down from six seasons to one episode and have it make perfect sense, McNamee was destined to change the future.
The last time anyone had contact with McNamee, they noted that he said he was “going hunting for Pterodactyl eggs.” In 2044, a human skeleton was found in the stomach of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, with many people believing it to be the remains of McNamee, having perfected his time machine. However, there have been many sightings of McNamee at major historical events after 2044, including the funeral of Gemma Creagh/live burial of Kevin Dowling in 2085.
This has lead to Ciaran McNamee now being a more popular unexplained mystery than Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and, yes, the “disappearance” of the Dodo.
Born 19th July 1983
Died 19th July 2052
Having tried his hand at writing sketches, short stories, novels, poetry, screenplays for tv, films and video games, scripts for musicals and plays, it turns out that Cashin’s real talent was in writing future epitaphs. Having gotten the exact date and type of death for President Obama (2029, accidentally swallowed his iPhone 7) and Paris Hilton (2037, on top of Mount Everest), Cashin became obsessed on having the most impressive epitaph for himself.
On his 69th birthday, Cashin was found dead in the world’s first legalized, open-air mass orgy. According to crime scene specialists, a landslide of naked and oiled women collapsed on top of him and he was suffocated to death. Paramedics on the scene found his body and managed to revive him; however, Cashin simply got up and jumped back into the fray. Three days later his body was found again, with the words “Do Not Resuscitate” written on his chest in body chocolate.
Posted in Staff Writer |