EXT. SOME WEIRD PLANET. DAY.
GEOFFREY RUSH: Hello there, my name is Tomar-Re, and I’m here to stick some needlessly detailed exposition in any time things get too exciting. Millions of years ago…
AUDIENCE: Oh dear.
GEOFFREY RUSH: … from one of the six thousand quadrants in space…
AUDIENCE: Here we go.
GEOFFREY RUSH: … and then Abin Sur fought the newly released Parallax…
AUDIENCE: Just wake up me up when Ryan Reynolds gets here.
INT. RYAN REYNOLD’S AIR BASE. DAY.
RYAN REYNOLDS: Hi everyone, I’m Hal Jordan. You can route for me because I’m a fish out of water, just like you! I mean, I’m super handsome and have the body of an adonis and get to bang Blake Lively and am a test-pilot for the marines, but aside from that… Yes, just like you!
BLAKE LIVELY: Ryan! You’re late for the testing of the unmaned fighter jets!
RYAN REYNOLDS: Because they turned out so well in that movie Stealth?
BLAKE LIVELY: Nobody seen that movie! Now get your ass in the air!
INT. FIGHTER JET. DAY.
BLAKE LIVELY: I know you normally break the rules, but please don’t-
RYAN REYNOLDS: *breaks the rules*
BLAKE LIVELY: Damn your breaking of the rules, you damn rule breaker!
RYAN REYNOLDS: Hey baby, if you don’t want your rules broken, then don’t hire a rulebrea- *has awkwardly timed father themed flashback, crashes plane*
EXT. STREET. NIGHT.
RYAN REYNOLDS: *has just left his nephew’s birthday party, gets picked up by a ball of green jello, and whisked to the seaside*
ABIN-SUR: I’m totally dying. The ring chose you. Here’s a lantern, too. Say the oath.
RYAN REYNOLDS: Okay, thanks. Laters.
INT. RYAN’S APARTMENT. NIGHT.
RYAN REYNOLDS: *has some comedic relief with the lantern, gets picked up by a ball of green jello, and whisked to Planet CGI Oa*
GEOFFREY RUSH: Hi Ryan, things have been pretty exciting for a while now, so I’m going to slow it right down…
AUDIENCE: This guy again?
GEOFFREY RUSH: Let me introduce you to the voices of Michael Clarke Duncan…
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN: *punches Ryan in the face*
GEOFFREY RUSH: …and Mark Strong.
MARK STRONG: Despite my character’s name being Sinestro, it is I who shall be weary of you, Reynolds!
GEOFFREY RUSH: Now, thats enough character exposition for now. Lets have you try out your powers.
RYAN REYNOLDS: *flies, makes guns and swords and chainsaws and fights Mark Strong and loses. The best scene in the movie is now over*
MARK STRONG: You lost. Despite the ring choosing you and me believing in it with all of my heart, you should still totally quit.
RYAN REYNOLDS: I lost? I’ve never lost at any thing in my entire life! I quit Green Lanterning! *runs back to Earth, crying*
INT. SOME LAB ON EARTH. DAY.
ANGELA BASSETT: We found the remains of an alien. Despite you being a clearly mentally unstable hermit, we think you’re just the man for the job of dissecting it alone.
PETER SAARSGARD: Thanks. *dissects Abin-Sur, gets infected with the Parallax, slowly turns into the Elephant Man, nobody seems to notice*
TIM ROBBINS: Son! You look great!
PETER SAARSGARD: *reading his Dad’s mind* You don’t think I look great at all! You lied to me! *kills Tim Robbins*
RYAN REYNOLDS: Oh my God, you killed the only good actor left in this movie! *they fight, Ryan loses again*
EXT. PLANET CGI OA. NIGHT.
RYAN REYNOLDS: Seven Old Yoda-looking people, please help me save my planet.
SEVEN OLD YODA-LOOKING PEOPLE: Nah.
RYAN REYNOLDS: Fine, I’ll do it myself!
MARK STRONG: I would come and help you, but I’m busy lazily setting up a sequel here.
RYAN REYNOLDS: I understand.
EXT. SOME CITY ON EARTH. DAY.
PARALLAX: *has arrived. It looks like an Octopus made out of dirty clouds, and it is eating people’s… souls? Fear? Skeletons? Its not clear*
PETER SAARSGARD: Let us combine our powers! *gets his skeleton eaten, dies*
RYAN REYNOLDS: Hey, Parallax! I totally banged your mom last night!
PARALLAX: You what?! I will eat the skeleton right out of you!
RYAN REYNOLDS: *runs away to the Sun, throws Parallax into it, finally wins a fight, but then passes out*
MARK STRONG: *saves Ryan from falling into the sun*
RYAN REYNOLDS: Were you guys here this whole time?
MARK STRONG / GEOFFREY RUSH / MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN: Yeah…
RYAN REYNOLDS: And you never thought of helping me out?
MARK STRONG: Listen, best not start pointing out plot holes now, or people will start asking how is it we’re able to breath in space.
RYAN REYNOLDS: Good point.
THE END.
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