Half A Giraffe

While I briefly considered making this a racist post, I realised that a) every race on the planet has a member who can kick the shit out of me, and will, if I deserve it and b) it’s a cheap laugh for the sake of risking having my shit kicked out (see point a). I thought that sort of moral directive would be restrictive, but it turned out to open a door to a slew of race-independent humiliations and tactics that are sure to delight (you) and annoy (him) in equal measure.
Ladies, while these may work in a female bathroom, I’ve never managed to remain in one for more than half an hour without being ejected and so can’t speak from any experience. Sozages.

1.  Ask which stall has the glory hole – if he denies the existence of one, call him a homophobe.

2.  Go into one cubicle dressed as a man, come out as a woman.

You guys are making me uncomfortable

3.  Set up a second, competing bathroom assistant station and try to steal customers.

4.  Insist you are his assistant and then when he leaves to check with management, assume control of his post.

5.  Loudly complain that the X he sold you tastes like mint.

6.  Ask him to describe, in detail, each flavour of lollypop and then nod like a connoisseur.

7.  Never leave the bathroom.

8.  Go to the club, see what he’s wearing, go home, get the same outfit together, go back in, wave to him on the way into the stall, change to match him and when you come out, say “Well, one of us has to change”

I stand like this because I had a stroke

9.  Try to convince him to swap shirts with you.

10. On your own? This is a more directed version of number six. Sit on a toilet and see if you can read an entire book, cover to cover, without being removed. Extra points for every time you fob him off as he checks you haven’t fallen asleep/choked on your own vomit.

11. On the way out of the cubicle, ask him when was the last time he cleaned it. Whatever he says, answer “Not often enough” and show him the wad of money you just “found” in there.

12. On the way in, say to him, “Sorry, the ladies was full.”

13. Come out of the cubicle with your hands and arms soaking wet and tell him the flush isn’t working. When he goes in and flushes, say “Oh… I was doing that completely wrong.”

14. Loudly and clearly perform drug deals in front of him using bags of tic-tacs.