by Ciaran
Ben: Alright Ciaran, you must promise me that the interview will go well. You’re interviewing Keanu Reeves, he may not be very bright but he works really really hard so don’t laugh at him. Understand that – DON’T LAUGH AT HIM. I don’t want to come up in 1/2 hour to see him in tears.
Ciaran: Don’t worry Ben, you have nothing hahaha
Ben: I’m serious! I realise you don’t like this guy, none of us do. Just treat him with respect that’s all. Don’t do anything stupid!
I waited in my office for fifteen mins writing out some questions and preparing notes, then the buzzer rings and Keanu Reeves comes in.
Keanu Reeves: What’s that smell?
Q: You’re more than welcome, sit down, sit down. We’ve been looking forward to having this interview for a long time, I can’t tell you how unthusiastic we are to have a celebrity of your calibre.
K.R: whoa!
Q: Right onto business, we hear you’re starring as a plank in the upcoming pirate movie, “Black Beard vs Hook”, can you comment on these rumours?
K.R: Hey that’s insulting, where did you hear these… allegations!?!
Q: You’re agent told us actually but never mind, can you tell us then what your next role will be so?
K.R: Yes I’m going to play Pinocchio, before he gets turned into a real boy. After that it’s CGI all the way. They really want me to play just the wooden part of his life where he’s made of wood, they said my mechanical acting was uncanny. The director and cast seemed so enthusiastic, in fact they just kept laughing during my audition and shouting “we’ve found him”.
Q: ah very interesting 
K.R: yeah my mom was proud.
Q: Well she outta be, you’re a good son
K.R: Will this be in the interview?
Q: You betcha
K.R: thanks man. You’re the coolest
Q: Just doing my job, speaking of which since you never actually act, what’s your job?
K.R: Hey!
Q: Just kidding, sit back down, we’re all friends here
K.R: Well I have some questions for you sir
Q: Please, call me Thundergore, Master of the Seas.
K.R: Well Thundergore I saw your clipboard and there’s just a crude picture of you stabbing me on it.
These were silly allegations, still I threw the clipboard behind my desk (we at this point are sitting at the couches in front).
K.R: Hey I’m going to get that clipboard and show you the stupid picture!
Q: Don’t do that a bad man lives behind my desk, he’ll offer you candy but only wants to touch you
K.R: Oh God!
Q: Not to worry, just don’t annoy me and make me shout and he wont know we’re here.
K.R: Please don’t shout Thundergore, I’m scared…
Q: Who do you love more, your mother or your father…?
K.R: I…I don’t know! That’s a horrible question!
Q: Answer me.
K.R: I don’t know, (sniffle) I love them both the same, I don’t want to decide.
Q: Don’t make me shout, remember the bad man. Now you’re making me angry here, Keanu. Either smack yourself in the face or answer me.
K.R: You’re a horrible bastard!
Q: AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
K.R: Oh god you promised you wouldn’t scream, now the bad man definitely knows we’re here!!
Q: Crap….I think he’s seen us!! You should never have used the “B” word!!
K.R: Oh god I’m sorry!! What…..I….UGH…..Will he….touch me? What will we do!
(I take a rope from my pocket and getting up, I throw it over a pipe near an open window)
Q: Come over here friend, I’ll show you how can escape this “bad man”!
K.R: Thank you! I’m so sorry I called you names, I don’t deserve your help
Q: There’s no time for that kind of talk! Listen just hold onto this rope end and I’ll pull you up with the other end so you can escape out the window! Brilliant isn’t it.
K.R: But…but Thundergore how will …..how will you get out?
Q: I have super powers, just like you did in that movie the matrix, remember the matrix?
K.R: (sob) yes sir.
Q: Oh god I hear him coming again. You better be quick.
Without questioning he grabs the rope
Q: Now you wont be strong enough to hold onto a rope cause that’s real hard so just tie it round your neck to make it easier. QUICKLY!!!
K.R: But wont that kill me!
Q: No NO!, you’re forgetting, I’ve got the other end right here, I’m not going to let go
Ben suddenly walks in
Ben: Hey guys, who wants tea and biscui -AUGH!
Q: Yeah Ben I’ll have a tea, two sugars please
Ben: AUGH!
K.R: I can’t…..breath
And so that was it. Good* interview, Ben didn’t agree – we all have our differences.
* Keanus lawyers** have been onto me for quite some time at this stage, not quite sure what to do about that.
**In actual fact the Half a Giraffe towers are under siege from a battalion of police and I’ve only been surviving by grafting stockpiled camel humps to my torso and living off the essential fatty acids within. It’s weird, you never need to go to the bathroom…
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