Half A Giraffe

The comedy stylings of the pleasantly deranged

Shrek 4

Thursday, 25 November 2010 by Ciaran McNamee

Based loosely on the fairytale of “Sleeping Beauty 4″, Shrek 4 starts with the happily married couple of the Shreks magically turned into blocky 2 dimensional figures for about and hour and half before killing the evil wizard that did it 3 mins before the end. This lowered animation costs significantly and was an expected move, with director Katzenberg commenting early on in production that the “4″ in the movies title actually referred to the squaring of the characters.

Shrek 4 was made in North Korea, lovingly hand drawn by a legion of 6 year olds after computers were unfortunately made illegal in 2003. The film is quite beautiful and it’s blocky look helps with the Lego tie-in. Shrek 4 smells quite bad however, as every reel of the film had to be pulled abroad though the North Korean “happiness and fertilizer effluent sea” by a hungry toddler on a raft.

Several tie-ins with the movie have been banned, such as the Shrek body sculpting kit which advertised “Shave areas of your body and remove just small portions of flesh so you too can look like a blocky Shrek”. Also banned were the Shrek greenify-yourself body paint, which is made of cobra poison. This caused no ill-effects in the children it was tested on in North Korea (they all died but were terminally ill anyway) but killed 30 in America. A Shrek build-you-own-swamp kit had to be toned down after the explosives required to dig several of the primary trenches were deemed unsuitable for children under 12 and in general anybody with less than 40 years military service as a bomb disposal technician.

Shrek 4 was written amid floods, hurricanes and severe sieges from neighboring countries. Worse than that the super-intelligent, opposable-thumbed, genetically-engineered Korean Tiger escaped into the wild, after unfortunately being given detailed instructions on how to build cloning vats to duplicate itself. Already up to one hundred of these “ungodly nightmares” are thought to be incubating in the Korean jungle. A crack team of children were sent in to investigate but were never heard from again, leading experts to suspect their bodies were used as organ banks. The North Korean government responded to the threat by covering up to 40% of the country in landmines, however when the tigers evolved the ability to fly Kim Jong-Il issued this statement “TEAR OUT YOUR EYES, ALL IS LOST, ALL IS LOST. I’ve given sweet death to my family. Don’t let them take your steeeeeeem ceeeeeeells!!”

Shrek combines two of the greatest green characters in history, Marvels “the hulk” and “snot” from Earthworm Jim. Shrek is a hulking, congested but somehow loveable green ogre. Much of this connection will be lost to the North Korean children however as colours are banned in North Korea, the belief being they’ll lead to revolution. Though 3-D colour-blocking glasses are compulsory from birth, official sources have confirmed that Shrek will be the same shade of grey as these legendary icons.

The cast of Shrek 2 includes Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz and Eddie Murphy, with each actor essentially playing themselves. Overall a good movie, though perhaps a little depressing for kids who don’t work 18 hours a day hand painting runners in an underground, colourless North Korean factory.

3 stars

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