Dr. deadly
Now, I’m no expert. But my online Mexican Doctorate in “Medical Areas, Thought Heeling & Reiki” does provide me with the skills to cure 99% of illnesses (even if it doesn’t allow me to prescribe my own antibiotics for my headaches). I thought I’d share some of my not-getting-sick abilities will all of you.*
*Also note that these must be followed to the letter, or you will almost certainly die at some stage.
1. Swine flu
A horrible illness; among my medical circles, this is actually known as double flu – as it is actually a person catching two flus at once. Although quite severe it can be easily avoided, all one has to do to avoid it is NOT make out with pigs. 97% of cases in Ireland last year were contacted in Copper Faced Jacks. Stop snogging swine. Done.
2. Colds
It’s quite simple really, the best way avoid colds by being in the cold! I recommend spending a few minutes in the fridge each morning. It works so well because your body gets used to it, and it tricks the cold germs into already thinking they’re already working. This means they don’t cause any symptoms and they die happy, leaving you well enough to go to Copper Faced Jacks.
3. Diarrhea
This is one of the healthiest and most natural ways to lose weight but it can, at times, be an inconvenience (ie. On a plane, long car journey, job interview). So in the unlikely event that you want to banish it, my prescription is the REVERSE PHYCOLOGY method. This means doing things that would actually cause Diarrhea in the first place, in order to trick your body into stopping the poops. My top two methods are drinking 7 liters of OJ or eating in Abrekebabramacs.
4. STDs
It’s sciencely proven that if you rub vodka on your privates before engaging in cloitus, you reduce your chance of contacting all STDs by 110% (Except for clymidea – that only works with whisky). I’m also pretty sure it also it works just by drinking a lot; as the alcohol seeps out through your genitalia when making sex. However I don’t recommend this, as the physical application of the spirits also cures pregnancy (sperm get too drunk and crash on the way to the ovum).
5. Chest Infections
A common ailment in the bad weather, a lot of people mistakenly believe this is an infection of the chest. They would be wrong however as chest infections are actually your nose malfunctioning and putting snots (or phlegm; as they’re known as by medicine practitioners such as myself ) in your chest instead of your nose. To avoid getting chest infection again is easy; just make sure there are no snots left to get down to your chest by picking them. I also recommend eating them as you build up a snot immunity.
Some important health facts to remember:
– Garlic cures clubfoot.
– People from outside Dublin statistically carry 99% more germs
– Northface jackets repel radio activity
Stay healthy!
xxxx
Dr. Deadly
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