There was a time when biographies were reserved for only the most important and/or interesting, and the autobiography could only be written by those who were deemed fit to do so by society at large. If you had achieved something or witnessed something or survived something of an outstanding nature, then yes, you may write about yourself.
However, this is no longer the case. Also, the autobiography was something that was usually kept for someone’s later years, so they could put all their great life’s experiences into one relevant tome. Again, this is not so for the modern era of literary masturbation autobiographies. Case in point:
- Geri Halliwell; number of autobiographies – 2, first published aged 27.
- Russell Brand; number of autobiographies – 2, first published aged 31.
- Paris Hilton; number of autobiographies – 2, first published aged 23.
- Jordan (aka Katie Price); number of autobiographies – 4, first published aged 26.
All of these autobiographies have reached #1 on the Bestsellers Lists, and with this information in mind, publishing companies have picked up on this trend and are reacting appropriately. When asked about this massive new market, Jonathan Collins of HarperCollins Publishing had this to say:
“We were all as shocked as you were. We thought we’d get another three or four years out of this vampire wave, but then BAM!, along comes this new trend were people are reading the barely legible scribblings from the folk who can barely sign their own name. None of these people deserve to have anything written about them even when they’ve died, but to have multiple books written about them before they’ve even hit 30? Thats something… thats something else.”
In light of this, every major publishing company have hired their “Nobody” to write an autobiography. HarperCollins allowed us to use an except from their upcoming book “I Don’t Know What A Semi-Colon Is For – An Autobiography By Joe Walsh”;
“I woke up. It was bright out. I didn’t really have much of a hangover because I didn’t really have that much to drink last night. I got washed. I got dressed. I went to the shops. I bought some bread and some milk and some cheese. I walked back to the house, but on the way I remembered that I forgot to buy the newspaper. I walked back to the shop and bought the newspaper. Then I walked back to my house. I used the bread and the cheese to make a cheese sandwich. I put the milk in a glass and I ate the sandwich and drank the milk while I read the newspaper.”
Pre-sales for this book have already outsold the Bible and Twilight: Breaking Dawn, and the reviews are almost universally overflowing with praise.
The Guardian: “Joe Walsh’s mastery of the portrayal of the mundane everyday life of a nobody is both a heartwarming comedy and soul-crushing tragedy. Amazing.”
The Independent: “The complete lack of a plot, character arc, romantic interest or any real interest of any kind is not only a risque move, but a refreshing take on modern literature. Amazing.”
Entertainment Weekly: “Not since Katie Price’s third autobiography have we been so entranced by poor grammar and syntax. Amazing.”
Joe Walsh’s next autobiography “Not Much Has Happened Since The Last One” is due out one month later.
Posted in Staff Writer |