Lets face it, Earth is done. Its over. Its a has-been. You’ve had your moment in the Sun, now its time to step aside and let a hotter, hipper planet or moon take the spotlight. So, in anticipation of The Next Big Thing, we here at Half A Giraffe have compiled a list of vacation spots for you all to hit up in the not-too-distant future…
Distance from Earth: 4.9 Light Years.
Why Pandora?: While the planet Polyphemus it orbits is a lifeless gas giant, the moon Pandora itself is a bustling “nature reserve”. This is the ideal vacation spot for those looking to get back in touch with nature, however if you even look at a floating neon jelly-plant wrong, one of the locals with have your eye out with a giant pointy stick. Thankfully, the planet is surrounded by a massive military presence, so should anything go wrong you know you can just ask them to blow the place to bits.
Local Amenities: There are really two different types of holiday to be had on Pandora. You can either enjoy some nice nature walks, go on an interactive trip through the “animal enclosure”, become one of the Na’Vi and get involved in alot of trippy USB-hair extension orgies. Or you could join the local army force and take up target practise, unobtanium mining and general dictator establishing activities.
Prices: At the moment, the only way of travelling to Pandora is on board a military starship, so you can travel there for free as long as you sign on. The military will also provide free accomodation, or alternatively, if you defect and join the Na’Vi, accomodation is also free, since they mostly sleep in their big tree.
Distance from Earth: 225, 622 miles to 252, 008 miles.
Why Moon?: Much like people who have travelled the world but don’t know anything about their home country, our Moon is often over-looked as a holiday destination. And rightly so. There really isn’t much to do on this dead and devoid planetoid (we know its not a planetoid, but it rhymed nicely with devoid). However, we do recommend the Moon for those looking for some time away alone with your own thoughts, and to learn to enjoy your own company.
Local Amenities: Again, its a bit of a hard sell, because there’s not much here except the one lunar base, so this is perfect for the writer who can’t seem to get away from all the distractions and hussle and bussle of their everyday life to finish that elusive novel or screenplay. And even if you die before you finish, we can always just clone you and get them to do it.
Prices: Ryanair are currently having a sale on flights to the Moon, with costs starting at €1. However, this is one-way, non-inclusive of charges for taxes, luggage handling, fuel costs or seat services. With all this added, and with a return flight, it’ll cost approx €100 million. Alternatively, just pay it one-way, and get your clone to pay for the return flight.
Distance from Earth: You’ll be asleep for most of it, so what does it matter?
Why LV-426?: This resort is the place to be for the action-adventure seeking traveller. On top of the fact that you will be constantly running from something (explosions, xenomorphs, mother issues), you will also be rock-climbing your way to ancient artifacts (see above) and using team-building exercizes to, well, survive! LOL!
Local Amenities: On top of all the keep-fit possibilites, you’ll also get to use Power Loaders, flame-throwers, fourteen different types of grenade, motion trackers and remote controls for massive spaceships! This really is the choice du jour for all you adrenaline junkies!
Prices: There are two options for travelling to LV-426, and again, one of them involves the military (so, free). The other involves becoming an employee of Weyland-Yutani, volunteer to become a colonist, and move there. This choice does have alot of fine print, most of which involves signing away your inner organs to be used as an incubation chamber for baby aliens. Also; insurance is not offered with this particular resort.
Distance from Earth: Far, far away.
Why Hoth?: Aspen. Nepal. Alps. You’re thinking too small! Hoth is a snow-covered planet, and it stays that way ALL YEAR! Think of all that primo-powder, man! Rad! Currently only inhabited by Tauntauns (smelly) and Wampas (cranky), as well as a small rebel base, the entire snowball is your ice-ster!
Local Amenities: As well as the usual skiing, snowboarding, bob-sleighing and collapsing from exhaustion and using local animals’ intestines for warmth, there is also underground accommodation provided by The Rebel Alliance. They don’t ask for deposit on the room, but they do ask that you shoot at least one AT-AT Walker as a way of paying your way.
Prices: While initally the price might seem quite low, you will notice that you will become highly invested in it. But then, just when you think its perfect, they tear it down, rebuild it from scratch and basically destroy everything what you enjoyed about the resort in the first place. (All proceeds go to Lucas Incorporated)
PLANET OF THE APES
Why Planet Of The Apes?: Despite the unfriendly locals, there is still plenty to like about this pla– wait a second…
Local Amenities: You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
Prices: I guess you finally made a monkey out of me…
Posted in Staff Writer |