Half A Giraffe

The comedy stylings of the pleasantly deranged

Tag Archives: christmas

2013; The Year Of The Fear

Sunday, 30 December 2012 by Rory Cashin

December 24th: Okay, so the last 350 something days didn’t really go according to plan. But new year, new resolutions, new me. I’ve got this. All I have to do is get through the next week of food and drink based Grecian levels of debauchery and then it’s time for a fresh start.

December 25th: I think I may have water-boarder myself with food.

December 26th: The food in this house seems to be hydra-based, every time I eat something two more things spring up to take it’s place. I’m scared.

December 27th: All of the turkey and ham is gone, but just when I thought I had defeated the food monster, I noticed the boxes of Quality Street and Roses under the tree. Have I died? Is this the Gluttony level of Hell?

December 28th: fhejbefvkWHEGV;IOHJPGKI[IR-93UTGFIHI129iu-9guij-rhgjpiojg

December 29th: I was lost. I was a goner. There was no hope for me. But then, from amid the din, came a question that pulled me from my serotonin carbohydrate coma…

“What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?”

After hiring a Sherpa to help me get upstairs, I open the closet to see what I should wear for what is the one night of the year when everyone – be they single or happily coupled – is entitled to a kiss at midnight. This is one of the few occasions when everyone should look their best. But after eating enough food in the last few days to set up my own fertilizing plant, nothing looks good on me. Nothing. Not even my Christmas clothes that fit me four days ago. Tomorrow I work out a little bit to get back down to a shape that isn’t quite so … spherical.

December 30th: The good intentions were ruined from the get-go when I noticed that the sausages and rashers and white pudding was going to go off tomorrow. Well, the day after tomorrow. Well… soon. But it’s all gone now, so that’s one less issue to deal with. No point in going to the gym today since I’m so full, so it’d be easier to just buy new clothes for the time being. There’s bound to be something in the sales…

(Six hours later)

… Not to self – never go to the sales again. Everything was either XS or XXXL. Everything was either too flashy to allow direct eye contact or too drab to be described properly by the English language. But I think I did lose some weight by forcing myself through the throbbing sea of purebred, focused sales shoppers – the kind of shoppers with a nose for bargains they way some pigs can smell truffles. But to me that bargain still looks like a shit covered mushroom, so you can have it.

December 31st: This is the day. You sleep late and eat very little so you can stay awake longer and get drunk quicker. Try on the Christmas clothes again, and those two days not eating food like a Hungry Hungry Hippo has helped me squeeze back into them. There are going to be a lot of photos taken tonight at some crazy house-party or night-club, so you have to look your best.

One quick drink before I head out on the town. Tonight is going to be NUTS. But then that’s it. Oh, that drink is empty already. One more quick drink. Tonight is the last night of craziness, but then it’s 2013 and I am going to be good. No, better than that, I am going to be my best. I am going to knuckle down and get my life in order and get a girlfriend and get abs and it’s going to be… how is this drink empty already? For fuck’s sake. Okay, one more. Make it a bigger measure so it doesn’t empty so quic- it’s gone. Already? Sheesh. Sometimes I think I might have an alcohol problem… in that there’s not enough of it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m soooo funny. I should write that down. I stand up to look for a pen to write that down, and all those whiskey’s swoosh right to my head, and I have to sit back down. Maybe just put my head back for a minute, take a little disco nap to rid myself of this alcohol… and right before I pass out, I realise I forgot to make any plans tonight, and if I had actually gone out that door, I wouldn’t have known where I was going…

January 1st: Burrah….. Chenk….. Zembella….. Those half-drunken words half-shouted into a pillow when someone is telling you that it’s after 2pm and you’ve been asleep for all of 2013 so far. Check the phone, some missed calls at 12.01am, an epic amount of texts ranging from 12.09 to 2.15am (I love that time when then networks get so clogged with “BAPPY NEY WEAR!” texts that none of them actually send until hours later), some voice mails containing indecipherible screaming over Auld Lang Syne. Everyone seemed to have a great night, but I bet they’re all hungover to bits today. I’ve got a headstart on the year, and it’s going to be great. But… wait. What’s that smell? A fry-up. Sweet JEEEESUS. Right, I’ll eat that today, spend the rest of it writing out my plan for getting fit and getting a girlfriend and getting a life, starting tomorrow. TOMORROW is THE DAY. You hear me, 2013? Come at me, bro!

But for right now… nom nom nom…

Tags: , , , , ,

Posted in Staff Writer |

Christmas Survivors: Brace Yourselves

Wednesday, 26 December 2012 by Ben Keenan

My name is Sergeant Commerce and I’m here to help.

You did it. You fucking did it. You survived. You dodged the probing questions about your “career” from seldom-seen relatives. You smiled at every gift and managed not let any of the arguments turn fatal.

Give yourself a pat on the back, and prepare to escape that frying pan.

Welcome to the fire. Welcome to the sales.

You have heartburn and a hangover. Boo-hoo. We all do. THEY all do. Who are they? They are the enemy. Even though you thought you’d already spent every last penny of available cash and credit in the run up to Christmas, you suddenly realise you have a few bob here and there. Your uncle slipped you a fifty. You got a bunch of book tokens. You have terrible, stupid gifts you can return. You tot up the disappointing amount, pocket it and brave the city. I’m going to help you get what you need. Strap in, buckle up and knuckle down. It’s shopping time.

 

1.  Body

Your body is weak, stuffed and smelly (unless you have the winter vomiting bug, in which case it is weak, hollow and smelly). You ate too many mince pies, drank too much gravy and quaffed far too much wine. You told yourself you’d take it easy, but you didn’t and now you have to live with that. St. Stephens’ Day – or Boxing Day – is important, it’ll define the rest of your ordeal for better or worse. First thing you gotta do is shake that bloated feeling. Starving yourself would be counter-productive, you get too weak for shopping centre shoving. You need to switch to an all-bacon diet. It’s rich, cheap, and a packed with protein. Drag your cold, broken body out of bed and eat as much as you can, and then some more.

Once you’ve taken care of your diet, you’re going to need to put that newfound source of hearty protein to work. Get a bunch of plastic shopping bags, fill them with water and use them as weights, lifting your arms out, holding them for as long as possible. This may feel unnecessarily tough, but you’ll be glad of those warmed-up guns come mosh-time.

 

2.  Mind

This is actually going to be pretty easy, I mean, it’s just shopping, right? Wrong. Shopping is what you do when you pick up milk, or an iPhone cover. This is the Annual Sale. Note the capital letters. That’s a proper noun, that is. An entity unto itself. You underestimate that entity at your own peril. This isn’t Spar, it’s Smaug, it’s Sauron. It’s got a cold, steely will that will grind you into pigfeed if you let it, but you’re not going to do that. You’re going to go in there and get what you want, which brings me to my main point when talking about the mind: research.

Maybe you want a shirt. Maybe BT2 have a shirt you like. Maybe River Island has a similar shirt you also like. Your pathetic corporeal form won’t be able to zig-zag from shop to shop, the wheezing would kill you. You’ll need to investigate every alternative to every purchase, or you’ll come home broke and practically empty-handed. You need a sales buddy. It’s important to choose wisely. If they can, they’ll stab you in the back – let’s face it, if you could you’d do the same to them. So you need to pick someone who could never want what you want. Someone a different size, shape, gender, colour and social class to yourself. This person is unlikely to be a friend of yours since ideally you’ll have nothing in common, but you also want someone with a smartphone so you can text one another photos of prospective purchases, and somebody you could trust not to literally rob you and leave you for dead. I suggest an awkward cousin, or perhaps a stupid co-worker. As in most alliances, it works best when the other person doesn’t realise how tantalisingly close you are to fucking them over completely.

Someone tall is a bonus.

You should assume the leadership position as early as you can. I recommend some back-handed compliments, and then shout down a couple of their ideas with as much conviction as you can muster. Once they are subdued, you need to split up and send them to the toughest spots. Brown Thomas, TK Maxx, Henry Street etc. Let them take the flak while you read your book in a nice spot on Dawson St.

 

3.  Spirit

This is perhaps the most important part of your onslaught. Anybody can shop, but it takes a really cold, vicious scumbag to make the most of the mayhem. My advice is to find a cruelty you excel at and lean into it. Just lean gently forward into it and see what else you can get yourself dirty with. It will all give you an edge. Maybe you swipe somebody’s shopping cart in Smyths. Could you steal a single mother’s taxi? Some dude buy the last copy of that game you wanted? Follow him to his car and mug him. Let the air out of people’s tyres. Break wind in a scrum. Make loud phonecalls disseminating false information about “unbefuckingleivable deals over in X”. Block toilets. Frighten children. Intimidate sales staff into accepting out-of-date coupons. This is war. There’s not right or wrong, only winning or losing, and I’m not here to help you lose.

 

Epilogue

If you follow my regimen, you’ll be at home, broke, sore and burned out, but you’ll have a mountain of stuff, and the sweet taste of victory on your chapped lips. Tastes good, right? Enjoy that iPad cover, your new socks, those t-shirts and that pair of shoes. You earned them, soldier.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted in Staff Writer |

Christmas WILL kill you

Tuesday, 25 December 2012 by Gemma Creagh

When thinking of the Christmas season I just can’t help but picture being serenaded by fur-clad choirs; romantic ensemble movies where EVERYONE finds true love; attractive hipster models making Xmas jumpers look cool & sexy*; saccharinely sweet family films where a young child & their workaholic dad save xmas while learning valuable life lessons; of friends and families being reunited over glasses of wine, next to an open log fires. I start to feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

However this is never, EVER how the holidays turn out.

Ever.

Inevitably something always goes horribly wrong; often times numerous things go terribly badly – and every so often, anything bad that can possibly happen, does. So to accurately represent the bitter, angry tension of Christmas, here are some classic carols only a tad more… realistic.

 

“The weather outside is frightful

And this cake is so delightful,

I could go to the gym, although….

(Nah)

Let’s forgo, let’s forgo, let’s forgo!”

 

 

Personally, I don’t trust a person who doesn’t put on weight around the holidays, what with all those creamy desserts, beers, selection boxes, giant dinners with 4 different types of potatoes, Romantica and Baileys lying around. Also at this time of year, who has time to do any lifting (other than pints to mouth or/and shopping bags around town)?

 

 

 

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Used to drunk dial his ex,

But she never answered Rudolph

Or replied to his sad texts”

 

Romantic films & Xmas TV specials, mixed with an over-consumption of alcohol and at least 10% of your friends getting engaged – well it all gets a bit nostalgic, doesn’t it? A lot of ‘What if’s or ‘If only’s, but trust me, the best present you can give yourself this year is leaving your mobile at home when going drinking.

 

 

“On the twelve pubs of Christmas

My true love gave (out) to me

‘bout three fist fights,

Two bags of chips,

And a pee I took, on the tree”

 

Who decided drinking at TWELVE PUBS in one night was a good idea? Perhaps this was a gimmick devised by stomach-pumping equipment salesmen? Or a Protestant conspiracy to combat overpopulation in Ireland? Either way, just remember to pace yourself and pre-buy your mum/partner/flat mate’s apology present to avoid having to go shopping with the worst hangover you’ll have all year.

 

 

 

“Dashing through the snow

Desperate shoppers all round town,

Into shops we go,

About to breakdown

 

Horns on Taxis blare,

Making people shout,

Oh how Xmas shopping

Stresses people out”

 

Eventually you get in so much debt that it doesn’t really matter anymore, right? But it’s not just the crippling bills that make the whole experience so traumatic; it’s the queues and the anxiety of people doing last-minute shopping. Every year I tell myself: “This year I’m going to buy everything online in November” but never fail, every year I end up in Henry Street on Christmas eve having a brawl with an elderly woman over who gets the last Lynx giftset.

 

Megan: “I’m saving up, so this is only the second dearest champagne”

 

“So this is Christmas
And what have I done?
Another year over,
I’m still living with my mum.

 

And yeah this is Christmas.

My friend Mark has a Jag.

While I’m down the dole queue,

Tanya’s a W.A.G.”

 

Did you hear about Megan? She’s back from Australia for Xmas and she has her own successful business. Yeah, well FUCK YOU MEGAN. I have just recently leveled up in W.O.W. and finished re-watching the entire Star Trek DS9 series. Life is all about priorities.

 

 

“O come, all ye relatives,

Loud and very pii-iissed,

O come ye,

O come ye

To my–y house.

 

Come drink my Baileys.

Knock over my la-a-amps!

 

O -verstay your welcome.

O -verstay your welcome!

OVERSTAY YOUR WELCOME.

Christ the Lord.”

 

 

Take three feuding siblings, add in an alcoholic Gran-aunt, a cousin with narcissistic personality disorder, mix with a pair of disapproving parents & some nieces and nephews outta their faces on sugar and you have yourself one unstable powder keg. Then just light the fuse by adding alcohol and step well back – possibly by emigrating to Australia.

 

 

Whatever your plans are for this Xmas, and however you plan on surviving them, have a great one from us here at Half a Giraffe. (Except for you, Megan – you can go fuck yourself).

 

 

*Does not apply to average-looking people over the age of 25,  as they tend to end up looking like sex offenders when donning them. For those who must don an Xmas jumper avoid those creepy thin-rimmed glasses, pencil-moustaches & trench coats. See Below.

 

 

Tags: , , , ,

Posted in Featured, Staff Writer |

A successful guide to New Years Resolutions

Wednesday, 28 December 2011 by Gemma Creagh

New Year's Eve

Every year on December 31st, the bloated hungover masses vow never to do/eat/drink/ride whatever their individual vices may be, mostly in an effort to comply with the outdated social construction of the New Year’s resolution – something designed to make you feel so guilty could really only be a tool of the Catholic Church). So pretty much without fail every year, 99.9999999999999% of these earnestly uttered promises are broken within the early few hours of the 1st January.

The desire to better oneself goes as far back as history itself and generally promotes positivity in society, however this particular day of unnatural highly concentrated self-improvement is unsustainable. In fact the only thing that the N.Y.R. really does, is create the devastating realisation that we are deeply flawed creatures who will most likely die obese and alone while having a hand shady in front of the PlayStation, midway through the act of spooning butter into our unattractive gobs.

What a cold harsh truth to face up to on New Years day? – which is most likely not helped by that nasty hangover and the desperate need to get that transsexual Bolivian hooker out of your flat. And lets face it…. this horrid blow of disappointment is about as unappealing as our future-selves lycra-bound flabby arse on that vibro-plate.

Realistic Expectations

New Year’s resolutions are always things like: “I must lose weight” but the subtext really is: “from now on I will get skinny and gorgeous. I will be a magnet for advances from either gender. I will get harassed by people offering to buy me drinks when I go to the bar because of how much of a giant RIDE I am. People who knew me in the past will break down in tears by glimpsing at my devastating beauty”. So somehow losing a few pounds will fix that lazy eye of yours? Those couple of kilos will instantly transform you into Ryan Reynolds or Scarlett Johansson? Not effing likely. Just get used to the fact that you will ALWAYS be your flawed delightfully pudgy self, and try and set the more realistic goal “I will be a little less pudgy, so I can fit in airplane seats” and the like.

Aim Low

There’s an ancient Chinese proverb:

The dung beetle does not try to fly like the dragonfly. It knows it’s place… eating shit.

You cannot fail if you don’t try, right? It’s simple mathematics really. A 0% failure rate is a beautiful thing to behold, so stack the odds in your own favour this time round. Instead of genuinely trying to better yourself, just pick resolutions that are easy and within your reach! Here are a few examples to get you started, but remember, the world is your easily-within-reach oyster:

1. Delete the local takeaway from your speed dial, the time you spend manually looking for the menu will allow you to eat it guilt free.

2. Don’t die.

3. Brush your hair most days.

4. Save money via call credit. Ignore your least important friend.

5. Extend your life with positive lifestyle changes… sleep at least an extra hour a day.

6. Burn extra calories by taking up bullying; you can lose 10lbs a year by playing the game “Stop Hitting Yourself” once a day.

7. Drink one less beer a week. But don’t stress yourself… if this proves difficult, have an extra whiskey instead.

8. Get dressed in outside clothes most days. If this is a bit much to ask, just add socks and a scarf to your stained underpants ensemble.

9. Educate yourself by watching more highbrow daytime TV. Exchange the Jeremy Kyle for a bit of Oprah.

10. Running every day? Well at least make an effort and blow your nose this year.

Happy New Year from Half a Giraffe!

Dr. Gemma Creagh,

Self Help Guru M.D.

Tags: , , , , ,

Posted in Staff Writer |

Christmas Season

Wednesday, 3 November 2010 by Rory Cashin

Well folks, thats it. Halloween is over, so its officially the beginning of the Christmas Season. Everything from November 1st to December 24th is just one, big, long, extended X-Mas Eve. Winter has basically been replaced entirely to celebrate and praise the Jolly Fat Guy In Red (unless you’re some kind of zealot). And as much as the The Season Of Giving is supposed to be one of loving and caring and hugging and other niceties, every year more and more people succumb to Christmas Dementia, the symptoms of which include uncontrollable rage, sudden onset OCD, erratic mood-swings and the irrepressable need to bankrupt one’s self.

So, in anticipation of the next two months, here’s a list of the top five things that may get on your Christmas Crackers, and ways to potentially deal with them.

One: Christmas Shopping

Exact Number Of People: Too Many.

Every year, more and more people start their Christmas Shopping earlier and earlier. And I’m not talking about shopping for presents (that will get its own section later), I’m just talking about the specifics of Christmas, i.e. decorations, food, clothes, etc. And every year, the crowds get more and more feral. I’ve been in less threatening mosh pits. Old ladies would just as soon snap your femur than let you get ahead of her in a queue. There is no real way around this, other than to start your Christmas Shopping as early as possible. Remember, Stephen’s Day is only 364 shopping days til Christmas!

There is such a thing as shopping too early, though. An ex-girlfriend of mine in November 2007 told me she was going to beat the crowds and start shopping for Christmas 2008. She obviously meant well, and the staff at the mental hospital tell me she’s doing great…

Two: Christmas Decorations

The noose he had made out of them didn't support his weight. :(

Every year, the decorations in stores and on the main streets seem to go up earlier and earlier. This year, I envisioned all these decorators waiting for it to hit 12.00 am on November 1st so they could set fire to all those pagan orange-and-black adornments, and they could Christmasify the city as soon as possible. And as annoying as that is, it doesn’t hold a Christmas Candle to decorating your own home. You try not to give in to the fact that your neighbours already have theirs up, but you don’t want to look like a Scrooge either. So you at least hold out until December 1st. And then the dreaded day finally arrives, and you spend the next 36 hours unravelling the lights and tensils, forgetting and remembering where the Christmas Tree used to go, falling off the ladder and roof putting up the outside decorations, and then budgeting your day-to-day living expenditures in anticipation of your massive electricity bill come January.

And once again, there is such a thing as too much decorations. If the FBI knock on your door because the Space Shuttle Discovery are saying they can see your house from their orbit, then its probably safe to say you’ve gone into overkill mode…

Three: Christmas Parties

We've all been there.

Are you nervous? No? You should be. You’re about to get drunk in front of your boss(es). You might plan on not getting drunk, but there’s free alcohol and very little food flowing, so your resistance is futile. Your boss is going to see you drunk, and there is NOTHING you can do about it. You might get sick. You might get angry and start a fight. You might get naked and start hugging everybody. And your boss is going to see all of this. But we both know that even this isn’t the worst thing about Christmas Parties. We know this, because there is somebody at this party that you really, really fancy, and it is an unwritten rule that if you fancy somebody you work with, then they have to kiss you at the Christmas Party. And if they get really drunk too, there’s always some closet or toilet that you end up fumbling your way into, and for five glorious minutes, you convince yourself that the stars have alligned and your dream girl/boy has fallen for you and you are going to live happily ever after. And then December 27th comes round, and you remind them of your tryst, and they look horrified and run off and then you hear that they’ve asked to be transfered to another branch, as far away as possible.

And yet there is such a thing as even this not being the worst possible outcome. I tell you this from experience, from a time when my boss and the person I really, really fancied was one and the same. Either lawyers work on Christmas Day or she had pre-ordered it, but I had a Restraining Order in my post-box on the 25th.

Four: Christmas Music

"No, I don't want to Scruuuuuuub-a-dub-duuubsssss..."

While they are annoying, Carolers seem to be more of an American nuisance, so we don’t really have to put up with them so much. But if you are confronted by strangers on your door shouting random words melodically, here is the way I deal with them: Tell them you hate whichever song it is that they are currently singing, and then ask can you make a request. When they say yes (they will, its Christmas, they have to), get them to sing a modern pop song in their haunting fashion. I usually pick a Britney song, and listening to “Hit Me Baby One More Time” by a group of old folk really is something to be treasured. If they do sing it, it’ll be totally worth it, and give them some monies. If they don’t, accuse them of ruining your Christmas Spirit, and slam the door in their faces.

However, there is something more annoying than the carolers. Its the Christmas Music. Listening to Nat King Cole (or worse, Christina Aguilera! Run, children, run away!) croon is just about the most homicide inducing thing about Christmas. And its everywhere! Every shop, elevator, radio station… they even pump it out on the streets now. My only advice is to put your iPod on and ramp your death metal music up as high as it will go (this will calm you down some), or failing that, just stab yourself in the eardrum with the closest fake icicle Christmas Tree decoration.

Five: Christmas Presents

It's ticking. And its not a clock.

I would LOVE to be able to give you all the proper advice on this subject, but I would have to write over 6 billion individual notes, so I’m going to be doing this in broad strokes.

Parents: whatever it is your kids ask for, get it for them. Even if what you were going to get them was better, they won’t care. They’ll refer to this Christmas for the rest of their lives. “When I was 6, I asked my parents to get me a plastic sword, and instead they got me a PlayStation 3. They never loved me! *breaks down crying*”

Buying for your girlfriend/wife: unless you’ve got the best girlfriend in the world who point-blank tells you over and over again exactly what she wants, then I really hope you’ve been paying attention this year. Chances are she mentioned in passing sometime in late July/early August something that she’d like, and that was it. That was your chance at getting the exact right present she wanted, and if you didn’t pick up on that, then you are royally screwed, because…

Buying for your boyfriend/husband: we are incredibly easy to buy for. Whatever the last thing we saw, thats the thing we want the most right now. Whatever it is you get us, we’ll be overjoyed with it because we’ve never really grown up and we LOVE presents, no matter what we are. “Oh wow, a remote control helicopter! Nurrrrrrr, ah-nurrrrrrrr, NNURRRRRR!!!!”

Six: Miscellaneous

You love me now. But wait til I doody on your pillow.


I really could’ve gone on a bit more about other things about Christmas that will cause many a killing spree, including but not exclusively: happy couples who are joined at the hands/lips/groins in very public places, whatever single X-Factor releases to get to Christmas #1, weird smelling Christmas Candles, having to be nice at family gatherings to your cousin that you’ve always hated, the same god-damned movies on every Christmas (“What has James Bond got to do with Christmas? Can someone explain that to me?”), the number of charity workers on main streets outnumbering the number of non-charity workers, the one thing you forgot to buy that will lead you to still be shopping at 4.30 pm on Christmas Eve, everything about Stephen’s Day (“I only bought this two days ago, and its €200 cheaper now??!!” *head explodes*), and knowing that your liver won’t have recovered in time for December 31st.

Happy New Year! Only 356 shopping days til Christmas!

Tags: , , , ,

Posted in Staff Writer |

Hey Cookie Theme by Caroline Moore | Copyright 2013 Half A Giraffe | Powered by WordPress