Valentines Day (VD) – a day of crap films and smug over-affectionate couples rubbing their love, literally, all up in your face.
Here at Half a Giraffe we have everything you need to be make it through on the lamest excuse for a holiday since Little Womens’ Christmas (why can’t female midgets celebrate December 25th with the rest of us?!) including maps to every off-license, a full range of life-sized rubber companions and a brand new mouthwash that makes champagne and chocolate taste like Dutch Gold and chips.
Preparation for VD:
1. Book tables-for-10 in every decent restaurant in town, under a fake name.
2. While in public, loudly and repeatedly talk about divorce/separation and the anxiety it causes in children.
3. Run a pirate radio station that plays only songs about breaking up.
4. Commission a scientist to create a super virus that kills roses.
5. Sneak into card shops and stick pictures of actual human hearts on all the cards.
Share VD with couples you know:
1. Send each partner a card from their ex, complete with rose and thong/banana hammock.
2. Get yourself arrested, get one party to collect you and get them to swear a blood oath of secrecy. Then ‘confide’ to their other half that you think they might be cheating.
3. Create two fake and attractive Facebook accounts. Use them to leave a message on each of the couple’s wall thanking them for a great night.
4. Pretend you’ve met someone and are head over heels in love. Then on the day itself, tell the couple that your fictitious partner has broken up with you for all the faults your friends’ possess.
5. Replace and rewrap intended presents with S & M sextoys.
Make the most of your VD:
1. Spend your time doing something useful, such as arranging and cataloguing old toe-nails.
2. Stand outside the dimly-lit romantic restaurants and eat chocolate out of a diaper alá Jackass.
3. Eat Indian Food, beans, cheese and any other flatulence-inducing foods, then sit in front of lovestruck couples in the cinema, and drop S.B.V. bombs. Give it a minute, and while they’re gagging – move away in disgust. Repeat.
4. Wait in popular public areas for loving couples to propose. While’s he’s down on one knee – shout loudly: ‘Sandra/Tony….. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO’. You can pretend it was a case of mistaken identity, which both absolves you AND ruins their special moment.
5. Babysit your ’tweens neighbour, and take them out for the evening, all the while subtly pretending to the other bowlers/cimema-goers/diners like your on a date. Lets see them gaze lovingly into each others eyes while you’re holding the door for a twelve-year-old.