Half A Giraffe

The comedy stylings of the pleasantly deranged

Tag Archives: dublin

Queen Elizabeth does a Dublin/Cork combo

Tuesday, 17 May 2011 by Gemma Creagh

The Queen

Queen Elizabeth and her other half will be popping across the pond today, as I’m sure many Cork and Dublin have been made aware due to the crizz-azy traffic across both city centers. There’s a guard on every street corner, and many hospitals are on standby – meaning Copper Face Jack’s has faced a customer lull in the last week akin to those predicted for Armageddon.

There are, of course, heightened security concerns that protesters are seeking to disrupt her itinerary, so Government officials have kept the ‘precise’ time and duration of each leg of her four-day itinerary under wraps for security reasons.

This is not Half a Giraffe’s first foray into investigative journalism – I once wrote a pretty hard-hitting special on Electric Picnic for the Daily Mail (Electric Picnic A-Z: check it out). So last Thursday, myself and Rory took it upon ourselves to discover some undisclosed details about the trip (by plying several officials with Fat Frogs in McGrattans). He’s what the Queen will REALLY be doing:

TUESDAY, 17th MAY

  • Arrival at Casement Aerodrome – Queen Elizabeth and Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, will be greeted on the tarmac by Tánaiste and Minister for Foreign Affairs Eamon Gilmore… however the Queen being a big fan of shopping for discounted brands in Duty Free has organized for a quick en route trip to Terminal Two, much to the annoyance of Philip who just wanted to go straight there.
  • Meeting President Mary McAleese at Áras an Uachtaráin – Mary had to get her people to shop at “Iceland” supermarket, as the Queen, being quite fussy, will only eat their mini Pizzas.
  • Trip to view Book of Kells at TCD – The Queen will also be stopping at the Pavilion bar (the ‘Pav’) to enjoy a special cricket match and a can or two of Bavaria.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18th

  • “Windows” tour of Dublin at the Guinness Storehouse – This is special “Queenie” code for knocking back a few scoops in the Gravity Bar.
  • Greeted by Taoiseach Enda Kenny at Government Buildings – The Queen, renowned for her sense of humour is planning to present Enda with a T-shirt reading: “Gingers have no souls”.  We also discovered that he’s been forewarned about this – just in case he starts crying again.

  • Visit to Croke Park – By visit, the Queen really plans on checking it out on Google Streetview while catching up on her Sky-Plussed “Coronation Street”.

  • State dinner at Dublin Castle – The Queen has requested fish fingers, beans and queen cakes (another witty example of her “Queenie” humour) for dessert.

THURSDAY, MAY 19th

  • Visit to National Stud Kildare – this will be followed by a quick trip around the Coca-Cola Factory. “Give that Queen a can of Coke”
  • The Duke of Edinburgh to attend a reception at Farmleigh House with members of Gaisce; the President’s award ­­– During which the Queen is sneaking off for a quick game of Bingo.
  • A celebration of the Queen’s visit at the Convention Centre Dublin – The Queen and Duke will also pop over to have a post-work pineapple Bacardi Breezer and Jager bomb in The Ferryman.

FRIDAY, MAY 20th

  • Tour of St Patrick’s Rock, Cashel – The Queen has since cancelled this event, claiming that: “it seemed like the single most boring thing in the world to do, and seeing as how I’m 85 and doesn’t have much time left. I really can’t be bothered. But thanks for the invite though, Irish Government.”
  • Visit to English Market in Cork – After which the Queen and the Duke are also planning on heading into Crane Lane to catch four-piece Indie powerpop band “The Melismatics”.
  • Visit to Tyndall National Institute, Cork – Upon being questioned by the press on this part of the visit, the Queen is cited as saying: “What? The Tyndall National what? There’s no way I agreed to this. Phil. Did you tell the Irish we’d go here? Over my dead body.” (Pause) “Phil… that is not funny”
  • Departure from Cork airport

A big welcome to the Queen from all the Giraffes. Her and Phil are more than welcome to pop down to our headquarters in HSQ, and avail of a Captain Morgans & Coke or a warm can of Fosters, if they get bored up there in Farmleigh.

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Jacinta’s easy guide to the recession

Friday, 7 January 2011 by Gemma Creagh
Jacinta

Fuck Off Recession!!

Howare yes? I hope yous all had a fuckin ride of a christmas and a deadly New Year. It’s back to the aul grind now it’s 2011 what with the recession stealing all our jobs.

Incase yizzer don’t know the recession is a really mad yoke that has been a pain in our collective holes for the past tree years. My child allowance’s been cut so much I can barely affored my illegal smokes. Now they are even gonna tax me dole. The shower of basterds. I thought the dole WAS TAX.

To help yizzer all out with makin the most of tings for the new year, I’ve come up wit’ my 10 top tips for surviving the downtern:

1. Lidl

Yeah it’s cheaper for booze and the like, but it’s a deadly place to hang out with your mates/kids. You get to scare the shite outta the cheapskate poshos who shop there AND get to collect all the euros from the trolleys. You can even tell the spanners from the welfare that you’re tryin to get employment there or whatever; killing three birds with one firework.

2.Forget the gym

Shoplifting. It’s a great alternative to losing your baby weight or the fatfrog spare tyre. It forces you to outrun the mad fit Eastern European security guards. Plus you get the added bonus of a free Man U top at the end. Rapid!

3. The Luas

Forget about the pub. Too fuckin’ dear. The Luas Red line is where it’s at. They don’t kick your bratty kids out when they try and set it on fire or it’s 9 O’Clock like they do at your local. You can ride it all day and there’s no eejit conducters, and it goes to all the hotspots. Just watch out for the feckers in their stabvest. If they catch ye, just give your ex’s new girlfriend’s name and address. Stupid Fathead bitch will get the fine.

4. Joyridin’

The PS3 costs loads… save yizzer self the price of video games by doing your own real life Gran Turismo! Plus you have the added bonus of leaving a poo under the seat, so if you decide not to burn it there’s a nasty surprise for the owner.

5. Get a job

Ah ha ha ah… I’m only messin.

6. School your chiselers

Not the boring load of shite it sounds like; if you make sure the little whingy basterds make it in for their home economics classes you can get them to go out cleaning houses. Not only can they earn their keep, they’ll be outta your face for the whole time. Just make sure the devious cunts don’t hold out on you.

7. Go to the Music Festivals

They are a great little earner… I usually sell oregano and lumps of dogshite to the thicko hippies and students. When all their weirdo bands are playing and they’re off watching them you can rob their real drugs and beers from their tents.

8. Learn the internet

Ebay is a great place to sell all the shite the thankless little shites rob from the houses without the shades giving ye grief. The W. W. web is also a good place to pick up older married men, who almost always buy you jewelry and then when you get sick of the aul creep on top of ye, make some cash with blackmail!

9. Use protection!

Pregnancy is a pain. People give out to you for drinking and smoking, no fellah will touch you and kids cost a load of money. I recommend the withdrawal method. Which is accompany him to a banklink and make sure he has cash BEFORE you get up the duff! Sorted.

10. Just have a laugh

Don’t listen to all that wingey bollix on the news; when things get tough or whatever, have a few scoops and chill. Then go after who’s really to blame… David McWilliams and Eddie Hobbs, who started this whole shite in the first place. Dirtbags the both of them.

JACINTA WAS HERE – 2011

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The Truth Hurts

Monday, 25 October 2010 by Gemma Creagh

My friend Jerry… he’d a lovely lad,
But he’s got a disorder and he’s got it bad.
Whenever he’s out, with friends or in work,
Some part of his brain just goes berserk.

He’s a good man, Jerry – the nicest of guys,
But he never quite mastered the talent of lies
If he opens his mouth, even a millimetre or two,
Every word that pours out is 100% true.

Now, I’m not talking about speaking your mind,
Or just being frank, when a friend’s in a bind,
He can’t stop himself and when people are near,
He tells them all what they don’t want to hear.

Jerry once told me how he’d love tourettes,
The “Fucks” and the “Cunts” they might accept.
But nothing hurts egos more than the facts,
And that’s why Jerry can never relax.

We’ve been best friends since the first day of school,
When he told the whole class he’d peed in the pool.
They laughed and sneered and all called him names,
And they never asked us to football games.

This was it for our whole education,
Our only friends were our blood relations.
Forget about sports and drinking and girls,
We were lonely and horny in our teenage world.

Be it a teacher, classmates sister, a nun or my mum
Jerry couldn’t help but mention their bum.
I really could do nothing but desperately cringe,
And prey to god he doesn’t start on their minge.

Things really changed when I passed my Leaving,
I got regular sex and started achieving.
But now and again I do feel quite bad,
That Jerry can’t have the things that I have.

He’s called every girlfriend he’s ever had fat,
And his landlord has just kicked him out of his flat.
He works on his own, at night cleaning loos,
Because try as he may, he can’t insult poos.

In the search for a cure, he’s tried it all,
From Hypnosis to Reiki to prayer in Nepal.
He’s banned from Lordes and most Dublin Churches,
And spent all his days doing fruitless web searches.

Last month I realised that it’s been quite a while
Since the last time he’d texted. I rang his mobile.
So I called and I called, but I got no reply,
I really began to worry about the guy!

I was completely on edge for the days to come;
nervous and sick, I was scared for my chum.
Two weeks had passed before he’d sent me a mail,
Listing the events of his unlucky tale.

Not quite a stranger to a regular beating,
Jerry had run into Boyzone’s Ronan Keating.
Having never been a huge boyband fan,
Jerry’s brutal tirade to Ronan began.

He told him how he’d laughed at the Late Late,
And how Ronan’s has started to put on some weight.
After slating his music, his style and his car,
Ronan got Jerry kicked out of the bar.

Some middle-aged women, who loved Boyzone,
Had overheard and furious, followed him home.
They thumped him with handbags until he passed out,
Hitting harder because of his insults, no doubt.

His condition was serious, the doctors said;
The injuries were the worst to his neck and head.
When I asked why such news made Jerry rejoice,
He told me he’s thrilled because he’s lost his voice!

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The Evolution Of Arthur’s Day

Thursday, 23 September 2010 by Rory Cashin

We’ve gone to the future and come back. Whilst there we discovered what fuel we’ll all be using after the oil runs out, what the next i-Pod/i-Pad is gonna be, and got all the winning lottery numbers for the next few decades. But we’ve decided the most important thing to tell you about is how Arthur’s Day is going to change the shape of the world as we know it. So, here goes!

1759: Arthur Guinness begins brewing ales in St James Gate Brewery, Dublin.

2009: To celebrate its 250 year anniversary, Diaego PLC organise a series of music events in Dublin, Kuala Lumpur, Lagos, New York and Yaounde.

2010: Following on the success of the previous Arthurs Day, it is decided that it shall become a yearly event, but brought a day forward to September 23rd.

2012: The date of Arthurs Day is changed once again, this time to March 17th. Arthur recieves a sainthood from the Vatican, making Pope Benedict the most popular pope in religious history.

2013: Following the realisation that the Mayan’s calendar/end of the world thing was just “a load of old bollocks”, St Arthurs Day is now celebrated the world over, with Irish people no longer hiding behind the pretense of getting drunk in the name of religion.

2015: All Irish government buildings are relocated to St James’ Gate.

2016: The yearly St Arthurs Day concerts are now officially the only way a musician can make money anymore, due to the technology invented that allows internet users to illegally download songs the artists haven’t even written or recorded yet. St James’ Gate is renamed St Arthur’s Gate.

2019: Massive surge in popularity of the name Arthur (for boys) or Arthury (for girls).

2020: Ireland is first country to implement change of St Arthur’s Day to a weekly basis, replacing Sunday entirely. Mass now begins at 17.59, and Guinness is served in place of holy bread at communion. Massive surge in attendance of church-goers.

2025: Canada is last country to succumb to the change of Sunday to St Arthur’s Day. But following threats of not being invited to the “next cool gathering” at the UN, they finally cave in.

2026: World’s last non-alcoholic beverage makers go bankrupt. Guinness flavored ice-cream, cheesecake, M&M’s, soup, beer, peanut butter as well as edible body scrub, car paint and shoe polish is now available.

2027: World’s last sober person commits suicide.

2031: Britney Spears celebrates 50th birthday party, remains relevant by re-releasing an old song each year, but with the word “Guinness” in the title, e.g. Guinness Me Baby One More Time, I’m A Slave For Guinness, Gimme Guinness, I Love Rock ‘n’ Guinness, If U Seek Guinness and, of course, Guinness.

2034: Diaego change their “Drink Responsibly” campaign to “Drink Guinness”. Ireland renamed ArthurLand. A new Olympic sport called “Guinness Pouring” is introduced, with points given or taken away depending on the angle of the pour, the ratio of white stuff to black stuff, etc. Also, a new award is added to the Oscars, titled “Best Guinness Placement”. The first winner is Avatar 3, with the Na-Vi and Humans finally settling their differences over some olympic-winning poured pints.

2038: The average baby weighs 15 pounds when born, and chest hair is not uncommon, even on females. Europe renamed ArthurZone.

2041: ArthurZone officially becomes a “No Fly Zone” due to the heavy clouds formed by all the Guinness farts. Amidst claims that Guinness is monopolizing the world, Australia introduce a new Guinness-like product called Turvunakadaniwinniahchaka, which is universally agreed to taste better, cost less and cure the common cold.

2042: A series of unexplained massive nuclear explosions completely destroy Australia. The world turns to New Zealand to see if they will take the reigns of producing Turvunakadaniwinniahchaka. The Kiwi government declines the offer of producing the miracle beverage, citing reason as being “not in the mood”.

2045: The “waiting time” for  the pint of Guinness is abolished once the creation of new Insta-Guinness is unveiled. This new drink settles immediately, which in turn destroys the entire concept of “conversation” in pubs, bars and clubs the world over. All dating and everyone’s sex life is now completely done on the iPhone 389, which is two feet wide by four feet tall, but less than one millimetre in depth. Most of the English language has been replaced by the word “Guinness” used in different inflections. Sample conversation:

Man: Guinness.

Woman: Guinness!

Man: Guinness? Guin-ness??

Woman: GUINNESS!!!

Man: Gu-in-neesssss… Guinness?

Man & Woman: *have sex*

2050: St Arthurs Day is now every day. Earth is now called Arthur. Alien life tries to attempt contact, but finds it difficult to break through new O-Zone created entirely of Guinness flatulance, and once they do break through, cannot find a single coherent person to speak to. No planes, trains, cars or bikes have been used in over three years. The iPhone 447 now has an app that pours pints of Guinness.

Our time machine wouldn’t go any further into the future. When we typed in “2051″, it responded “Not found”. We’re sure its just a glitch or something.

Happy Arthur’s Day, everybody!

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Skanger Olympics

Sunday, 29 August 2010 by Kevin Dowling

Burberry sponsored the events

This year Dublin City Council and the Minister for Sport & Tourism were on show with the usual repetoir of political goons vying for face time with cameras at the launch of the 52nd Olympics. The 2010 games are being held in Dublin, which is for many the spiritual home of the games.

“It’s wonderful to have such a prestigious event in our fine capital city,” said Lord Mayor Something-or-other as her B.A. Barackus chain was almost stolen by some of the Olympians.

Yes, in the late summer for most countries in Europe begins the real summer for Ireland – as it only gets warm when the kids go back to school. And in that heatwave of just-above 20-degree heat, Dublin will host the 52nd iteration of the Skanger Olympics.

Unlike their big brother, the Olympic Games, or even their hilariously challenged cousin, the Paralympics, these games are not held in run down suburban areas with the aim to regenerate them with stadia and economic drive from sponsors and athlete camps. No, in the Skanger Olympics events are held in upper-crust locations in order to create a more balanced society. As such, other then Glasnevin, every one of the games are being held on the Southside of the city.

The Swandive event is one of the most popular, where competing Skangers from the world over will dive gracefully into Grand Canal Dock from as high an apartment as possible. The medals are awarded based on how much jewelry athletes can obtain from the occupants’ abodes. It will be tough for the Irish entrants to beat the current champion, Aleksandr Wycoski.

Aleksandr Wycoski

The Urban Landscaping event is one the Northern Irish contingent are usually quite good at. This event involves flattening as much land as possible with as many explosives as possible. Bonus points are awarded for craters and damage caused to nearby buildings or vehicles.

One of the main events is, of course, the racing event. This is where athletes show up to a shopping centre car park and do nothing for 3 hours until a police helicopter pilot gets some practice hours in with flashing his torch aimlessly at neon-clad cars. The winner is chosen by whoever manages to stay in the car park last as others flee the impending police raid. Bonus points are awarded for the length of time the police take to find drugs in the car.

The finals are held in the D4 Radisson Hotel. They don’t know that yet, though, but a full featured game of FIFA starring Irish and French immigrant communities will be held. This is not a game of soccer, but rather a game of FIFA. On the Playstation. In the lobby. With booze brought from the local Tesco.

Tickets for each event are free as it is likely that you will be robbed of all your possessions while there. Foursquare and other location-based systems will be deactivated for the city to avoid letting skangers know that you’re at the games – leaving your home liable to robbery.

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