Half A Giraffe

The comedy stylings of the pleasantly deranged

Tag Archives: Eddie Hobbs


Jacinta’s easy guide to the recession

Friday, 7 January 2011 by Gemma Creagh
Jacinta

Fuck Off Recession!!

Howare yes? I hope yous all had a fuckin ride of a christmas and a deadly New Year. It’s back to the aul grind now it’s 2011 what with the recession stealing all our jobs.

Incase yizzer don’t know the recession is a really mad yoke that has been a pain in our collective holes for the past tree years. My child allowance’s been cut so much I can barely affored my illegal smokes. Now they are even gonna tax me dole. The shower of basterds. I thought the dole WAS TAX.

To help yizzer all out with makin the most of tings for the new year, I’ve come up wit’ my 10 top tips for surviving the downtern:

1. Lidl

Yeah it’s cheaper for booze and the like, but it’s a deadly place to hang out with your mates/kids. You get to scare the shite outta the cheapskate poshos who shop there AND get to collect all the euros from the trolleys. You can even tell the spanners from the welfare that you’re tryin to get employment there or whatever; killing three birds with one firework.

2.Forget the gym

Shoplifting. It’s a great alternative to losing your baby weight or the fatfrog spare tyre. It forces you to outrun the mad fit Eastern European security guards. Plus you get the added bonus of a free Man U top at the end. Rapid!

3. The Luas

Forget about the pub. Too fuckin’ dear. The Luas Red line is where it’s at. They don’t kick your bratty kids out when they try and set it on fire or it’s 9 O’Clock like they do at your local. You can ride it all day and there’s no eejit conducters, and it goes to all the hotspots. Just watch out for the feckers in their stabvest. If they catch ye, just give your ex’s new girlfriend’s name and address. Stupid Fathead bitch will get the fine.

4. Joyridin’

The PS3 costs loads… save yizzer self the price of video games by doing your own real life Gran Turismo! Plus you have the added bonus of leaving a poo under the seat, so if you decide not to burn it there’s a nasty surprise for the owner.

5. Get a job

Ah ha ha ah… I’m only messin.

6. School your chiselers

Not the boring load of shite it sounds like; if you make sure the little whingy basterds make it in for their home economics classes you can get them to go out cleaning houses. Not only can they earn their keep, they’ll be outta your face for the whole time. Just make sure the devious cunts don’t hold out on you.

7. Go to the Music Festivals

They are a great little earner… I usually sell oregano and lumps of dogshite to the thicko hippies and students. When all their weirdo bands are playing and they’re off watching them you can rob their real drugs and beers from their tents.

8. Learn the internet

Ebay is a great place to sell all the shite the thankless little shites rob from the houses without the shades giving ye grief. The W. W. web is also a good place to pick up older married men, who almost always buy you jewelry and then when you get sick of the aul creep on top of ye, make some cash with blackmail!

9. Use protection!

Pregnancy is a pain. People give out to you for drinking and smoking, no fellah will touch you and kids cost a load of money. I recommend the withdrawal method. Which is accompany him to a banklink and make sure he has cash BEFORE you get up the duff! Sorted.

10. Just have a laugh

Don’t listen to all that wingey bollix on the news; when things get tough or whatever, have a few scoops and chill. Then go after who’s really to blame… David McWilliams and Eddie Hobbs, who started this whole shite in the first place. Dirtbags the both of them.

JACINTA WAS HERE – 2011

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Zsa Zsa Zsara’s Hotlist 2010

Monday, 6 December 2010 by Gemma Creagh

woman giant silly sunglasses drag queen

OMG bitches, guess what? My totally gorgeous but stylistically-challenged friends at Half a Giraffe have asked me for my very expert opinion on what’s hot this winter! So, feeling sorry for those lovely dungeon tan fashion victims, I decided to front my 2 cents for their adorable little site.

Now for all you sassy snow bunnies out there, I don’t mean literally hot – I’m talking about what’s super sexy and smoking on our delicious little Island. Here’s my top sizzlers for this season…

Totally Spicy:

-Ye Olde Resteraunte

ye oldE resteraunt

When women knew their place...

Who would have thunk it? Right? Seeing how old is the new, new, then this fabulous new eating venue is actually NEWER than new. It’s medieval. To die for, this 100% authentic middle ages establishment serves mead and ale in a freezing cold stone building with tiny, tiny windows… it’s serving the winter special of stale bread and almost rancid meat. Best of all you get to eat with your fingers! Yummmmmmm.

-Tough Love
tough love

No, not the prison kind, LOL! This most lovely sketch, that my Half a Giraffe lovelies have been literally poring their blood sweat and tears into for the past month and a bit, (you wouldn’t think it to look at it though – bless) is based on actual events. Not to be missed, this 3 minute super vid stars five of the sexiest men in the world: Brian, Brian, Tiny, Paul and Rory - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=467aazYBbfY

-The Punt
punt

Remember the days of the Celtic Tiger? Well I’m no ecologist like Eddie Hobbs or David Mac Walliams but this sassy diva of a fashion expert can trace the financial problems right back to the changing over to the Euro. Not only was it very, very confusing but they won’t even let me have a credit card anymore. Fascist bank men, I should be able to rack up as much debt as I like until Ricky Martin sees the light and finally decides to marry me!

-Buddha Beats

Even better than Electric Picnic

Even better than Electric Picnic

This new exclusive night, which takes place in secret and constantly changing locations, features Honkyoku, the shakuhachi and hocchiku music played live by the wandering Japanese Zen monks. Attendees must chant their mantras in order to attain enlightenment, which is often helped by downing one or two disco buicuits before the ceremony – which is enhanced by trance beats of by the house DJ, SAZZbot. Sexreligous! x

-’Let Us’ Eat-Outerie

LETTUCE

They love it!

Worried about putting on the pounds and not being able to squeeze into that slinky number for New Years only to vomit fat frog all over yourself during the festivities? Well, this gorge new fast food joint will sort the first part out, no bother. This heart healthy alternative to the chippie is the first chain of Take-Aways that only serve lettuce! I feel thinner already.

Blah Blah Bland:

Here’s just a few things that you should avoid like the plaque in order to stay cool this winter…

-Lidl

veggies

Yum: 300% dearer than normal

I am so sick of SAVING money on food shopping. All we hear on the news nowadays is “yadda yadda yadda bailout, Yadda yadda yadda debt.” But really, thrift is so last season. I want all my Zsa Zsa savers to break the mould! Forget about getting value for money and just get out there and spend – Fallon and Byrne all the way. If it isn’t handmade and organically imported from a famers market, THROW THAT SHIT AWAY.

-iPhone
Old Mobile Phone

The iPhone, Android Phone? Whatevahs! It’s time to get ironic people; and get vintage. I use a Nokia 5110 that I sourced on Ebay and last week I used the Siemens C25. You don’t even have to go as far back as that, a 3110 would do it, as long as it doesn’t have WAP you’re in business. You get bonus cool points if it has an aerial or a cracked screen (think of it like ripped jeans).

-Gangland murders
old news

So 2008, this crime has literally been done to death. The early naughties saw Human Trafficking take off in a big way, then it was Gangland Murders, but now we need something fresh, something sexy. I’m for bringing back black-market organ sales, or even a Dexter style serial killer? It’s up to the criminals out there to SORT YOUR SHIT OUT.

Peace.

X

Zsa Zsa Zsara

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The Artist

Monday, 8 November 2010 by Gemma Creagh

Dublin, Ireland, dated 2027:

“I’m not great; nor am I a hero. I’m just a man; one of many in this dark, dark town. Some call me the Artist, although the only colours that are on my palette these days are greys and blacks. It wasn’t always this way, I remember when people used to say that times are tough in this once great city. Not anymore, that statement is now much too massive an understatement.

Just look around; to use any language at all to describe this near-post-apocalyptic dumping ground is simply a waste of words. The infrastructure, housing, the arts, and services – they’re all gone now. It’s funny, it feels like another lifetime when people complained about the M50 toll. If only those whiners could see the suburban shantytown it has now become, and more ironically, that this horrific landscape has the highest property value around.

When I remember that golden age, the late naughties… we were crying “Recession”, “Recession”, while eating out with our massive dole payments because we were too good to take that job in retail. Now, there are no jobs; in the last thing that resembled a pole that was done here 12 years ago, the country only had 5% employment; all of which in the only two industries that are left, security and gourmet fast food restaurants. The rest of us have resorted back to the barter system to survive.

The day it all began? I can picture it clearly, the budget in December 2010. Doing as I did, I was in the hot seat of politics and at the time I claimed to have seen it coming… but no-one ever imagined that it would get as bad as it did. It was so rough that year that the bulk of the taxpayers cash went into the wages of the army and guards in an attempt to subdue the nation. The people’s subsequent backlash saw FF flee to Brittan in fear for their lives – one of the final immigrants allowed in before they shut their borders to us forever.

Things were grim, but myself and a loyal band of supporters began to speak out. We were a motley crew. Lead by myself; my right-hand-man was Tuck, or David McWilliams as he’s know to some; with Ann Doyle, who we lovingly called the Truth Bandit next in line. Twink, at this stage a TD, would pass us insider information from inside the Dáil. Together, we began to make a difference.

Sometimes, this is all there is to eat

Running the outfit out of some crates in a Tallaght car park, we helped those less off manage their “finances”, (the more comforting term for not starving to death). By legalising drugs, we managed to get employment up to 7% for the first time in 2 years. But these good times wouldn’t last forever…

The people voted Sinn Féin into government; and drunk with power, they spent the last of the people’s money on Anti-EU campaigns and pointless legislation. There were no more bin taxes, but the time they were finished, there was also no more schools, social welfare, and anyone caught speaking English would be shot in the leg.

Since then, the government have been disbanded, and my growing crew of merry men and I, we’ve been planning a coup. We will restore order to our country, and bring the evil superpower of Wales to its knees with one swift blow. Viva la revolution.

Eddie Hobbs, You and Your Money Magazine

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