Howare yes? I hope yous all had a fuckin ride of a christmas and a deadly New Year. It’s back to the aul grind now it’s 2011 what with the recession stealing all our jobs.
Incase yizzer don’t know the recession is a really mad yoke that has been a pain in our collective holes for the past tree years. My child allowance’s been cut so much I can barely affored my illegal smokes. Now they are even gonna tax me dole. The shower of basterds. I thought the dole WAS TAX.
To help yizzer all out with makin the most of tings for the new year, I’ve come up wit’ my 10 top tips for surviving the downtern:
Yeah it’s cheaper for booze and the like, but it’s a deadly place to hang out with your mates/kids. You get to scare the shite outta the cheapskate poshos who shop there AND get to collect all the euros from the trolleys. You can even tell the spanners from the welfare that you’re tryin to get employment there or whatever; killing three birds with one firework.
2.Forget the gym
Shoplifting. It’s a great alternative to losing your baby weight or the fatfrog spare tyre. It forces you to outrun the mad fit Eastern European security guards. Plus you get the added bonus of a free Man U top at the end. Rapid!
3. The Luas
Forget about the pub. Too fuckin’ dear. The Luas Red line is where it’s at. They don’t kick your bratty kids out when they try and set it on fire or it’s 9 O’Clock like they do at your local. You can ride it all day and there’s no eejit conducters, and it goes to all the hotspots. Just watch out for the feckers in their stabvest. If they catch ye, just give your ex’s new girlfriend’s name and address. Stupid Fathead bitch will get the fine.
The PS3 costs loads… save yizzer self the price of video games by doing your own real life Gran Turismo! Plus you have the added bonus of leaving a poo under the seat, so if you decide not to burn it there’s a nasty surprise for the owner.
5. Get a job
Ah ha ha ah… I’m only messin.
6. School your chiselers
Not the boring load of shite it sounds like; if you make sure the little whingy basterds make it in for their home economics classes you can get them to go out cleaning houses. Not only can they earn their keep, they’ll be outta your face for the whole time. Just make sure the devious cunts don’t hold out on you.
7. Go to the Music Festivals
They are a great little earner… I usually sell oregano and lumps of dogshite to the thicko hippies and students. When all their weirdo bands are playing and they’re off watching them you can rob their real drugs and beers from their tents.
8. Learn the internet
Ebay is a great place to sell all the shite the thankless little shites rob from the houses without the shades giving ye grief. The W. W. web is also a good place to pick up older married men, who almost always buy you jewelry and then when you get sick of the aul creep on top of ye, make some cash with blackmail!
9. Use protection!
Pregnancy is a pain. People give out to you for drinking and smoking, no fellah will touch you and kids cost a load of money. I recommend the withdrawal method. Which is accompany him to a banklink and make sure he has cash BEFORE you get up the duff! Sorted.
10. Just have a laugh
Don’t listen to all that wingey bollix on the news; when things get tough or whatever, have a few scoops and chill. Then go after who’s really to blame… David McWilliams and Eddie Hobbs, who started this whole shite in the first place. Dirtbags the both of them.
JACINTA WAS HERE – 2011