Nobody is perfect, and nowhere is there more evidence of this than online. Facebook and Twitter (and to a much, much lesser extent, Google Plus) has the potential to bring out the best in us, but more often than not, we volunteer the very, very worst. Such as:
1. The “Secret”
How many of you have encountered this update or Tweet? “Oh my God! I just got the best news ever! But I can’t talk about it! So HAPPY!”
To this, let me respond.
You’re a dick. Nobody likes you right now. You’ve got great news, so we’re jealous, and you won’t tell us, so we feel untrustworthy. I hope your promotion / lottery win / negative pregnancy test is worth the price of our friendship. Dick.
2. The “Happy Couple”
We all have friends. We all have friends who are in couples. And now we all have friends who are in couples and seemed to have decided to have every. single. conversation. via the medium of Facebook or Twitter. You both have phones, right? Can you not text this conversation? Or call each other? Even though you’ve only just left each other’s company minutes ago? No?
We get that you’re happy, and we’re happy that you’re happy, but seriously now… this isn’t cool. Having a lovey-dovey conversation on Twitter is the equivalent of standing in two opposite corners of a crowded bar and shouting at each other how much you love each other. It’s annoying your single friends for obvious reasons, and you’re other be-coupled friends because you make them question their relationship because they don’t feel the need to announce every tiny emotion to each other. Don’t you do it, cool couples! You’re a cool couple! You’re cool because you keep it to yourself! This OPDA (Online Public Display of Affection) must come to an end!
3. The “Announcer”
In preparation for this article, I wrote down the following list of updates and tweets over the last week.
- Awake (x 7)
- Hungry (x 3)
- Tired (x 12)
- Wet (x 47) (It rained a lot this week)
- Hungover (x 19) (It’s Ireland)
- Bed (x 4)
- Annoyed (x 11)
- FML (x 6)
That’s it. That was their entire update/status. Now, I get the concept of micro-blogging… but come on. They give you 140 characters to work with on Twitter. Do you think you’re Ashton Kutcher, is that it? Do you think you can just write “Awake” and people will be sated in the knowledge that you’re no longer asleep? DO YOU THINK YOU’RE ASHTON KUTCHER?? COS YOU AIN’T! Now look, you’ve made me go all Kanye…
4. The “Show Off”
If, say, you work as a builder or a plumber and for some reason you win tickets to a film premiere and an after party and there are famous people there, by all means, tell your friends. That shit is cool, and your friends will want to hear about your cool shit.
If, however, you work as a PR manager or a Social Media Head Honcho and you get invited to every single film premiere and after party that there has ever been, then please shut the fuck up. “Just hanging here at yet another free bar, knocking back shots of Patron with Charlize Theron and Ryan Gosling. How teeeeeeeedious.”
We get it, you’re important (or just know important people) and you want to show off a little bit. You might think you’re not showing off, that you’re just telling people about your job, and this is what your job entails. But think back to that plumber. Does he TwitPic images of blocked toilets every week? No, he doesn’t, he keeps that shit to himself. And unless someone asks, so should you.
Posted in Staff Writer |