Half A Giraffe

The comedy stylings of the pleasantly deranged

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Christmas WILL kill you

Tuesday, 25 December 2012 by Gemma Creagh

When thinking of the Christmas season I just can’t help but picture being serenaded by fur-clad choirs; romantic ensemble movies where EVERYONE finds true love; attractive hipster models making Xmas jumpers look cool & sexy*; saccharinely sweet family films where a young child & their workaholic dad save xmas while learning valuable life lessons; of friends and families being reunited over glasses of wine, next to an open log fires. I start to feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

However this is never, EVER how the holidays turn out.

Ever.

Inevitably something always goes horribly wrong; often times numerous things go terribly badly – and every so often, anything bad that can possibly happen, does. So to accurately represent the bitter, angry tension of Christmas, here are some classic carols only a tad more… realistic.

 

“The weather outside is frightful

And this cake is so delightful,

I could go to the gym, although….

(Nah)

Let’s forgo, let’s forgo, let’s forgo!”

 

 

Personally, I don’t trust a person who doesn’t put on weight around the holidays, what with all those creamy desserts, beers, selection boxes, giant dinners with 4 different types of potatoes, Romantica and Baileys lying around. Also at this time of year, who has time to do any lifting (other than pints to mouth or/and shopping bags around town)?

 

 

 

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Used to drunk dial his ex,

But she never answered Rudolph

Or replied to his sad texts”

 

Romantic films & Xmas TV specials, mixed with an over-consumption of alcohol and at least 10% of your friends getting engaged – well it all gets a bit nostalgic, doesn’t it? A lot of ‘What if’s or ‘If only’s, but trust me, the best present you can give yourself this year is leaving your mobile at home when going drinking.

 

 

“On the twelve pubs of Christmas

My true love gave (out) to me

‘bout three fist fights,

Two bags of chips,

And a pee I took, on the tree”

 

Who decided drinking at TWELVE PUBS in one night was a good idea? Perhaps this was a gimmick devised by stomach-pumping equipment salesmen? Or a Protestant conspiracy to combat overpopulation in Ireland? Either way, just remember to pace yourself and pre-buy your mum/partner/flat mate’s apology present to avoid having to go shopping with the worst hangover you’ll have all year.

 

 

 

“Dashing through the snow

Desperate shoppers all round town,

Into shops we go,

About to breakdown

 

Horns on Taxis blare,

Making people shout,

Oh how Xmas shopping

Stresses people out”

 

Eventually you get in so much debt that it doesn’t really matter anymore, right? But it’s not just the crippling bills that make the whole experience so traumatic; it’s the queues and the anxiety of people doing last-minute shopping. Every year I tell myself: “This year I’m going to buy everything online in November” but never fail, every year I end up in Henry Street on Christmas eve having a brawl with an elderly woman over who gets the last Lynx giftset.

 

Megan: “I’m saving up, so this is only the second dearest champagne”

 

“So this is Christmas
And what have I done?
Another year over,
I’m still living with my mum.

 

And yeah this is Christmas.

My friend Mark has a Jag.

While I’m down the dole queue,

Tanya’s a W.A.G.”

 

Did you hear about Megan? She’s back from Australia for Xmas and she has her own successful business. Yeah, well FUCK YOU MEGAN. I have just recently leveled up in W.O.W. and finished re-watching the entire Star Trek DS9 series. Life is all about priorities.

 

 

“O come, all ye relatives,

Loud and very pii-iissed,

O come ye,

O come ye

To my–y house.

 

Come drink my Baileys.

Knock over my la-a-amps!

 

O -verstay your welcome.

O -verstay your welcome!

OVERSTAY YOUR WELCOME.

Christ the Lord.”

 

 

Take three feuding siblings, add in an alcoholic Gran-aunt, a cousin with narcissistic personality disorder, mix with a pair of disapproving parents & some nieces and nephews outta their faces on sugar and you have yourself one unstable powder keg. Then just light the fuse by adding alcohol and step well back – possibly by emigrating to Australia.

 

 

Whatever your plans are for this Xmas, and however you plan on surviving them, have a great one from us here at Half a Giraffe. (Except for you, Megan – you can go fuck yourself).

 

 

*Does not apply to average-looking people over the age of 25,  as they tend to end up looking like sex offenders when donning them. For those who must don an Xmas jumper avoid those creepy thin-rimmed glasses, pencil-moustaches & trench coats. See Below.

 

 

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A successful guide to New Years Resolutions

Wednesday, 28 December 2011 by Gemma Creagh

New Year's Eve

Every year on December 31st, the bloated hungover masses vow never to do/eat/drink/ride whatever their individual vices may be, mostly in an effort to comply with the outdated social construction of the New Year’s resolution – something designed to make you feel so guilty could really only be a tool of the Catholic Church). So pretty much without fail every year, 99.9999999999999% of these earnestly uttered promises are broken within the early few hours of the 1st January.

The desire to better oneself goes as far back as history itself and generally promotes positivity in society, however this particular day of unnatural highly concentrated self-improvement is unsustainable. In fact the only thing that the N.Y.R. really does, is create the devastating realisation that we are deeply flawed creatures who will most likely die obese and alone while having a hand shady in front of the PlayStation, midway through the act of spooning butter into our unattractive gobs.

What a cold harsh truth to face up to on New Years day? – which is most likely not helped by that nasty hangover and the desperate need to get that transsexual Bolivian hooker out of your flat. And lets face it…. this horrid blow of disappointment is about as unappealing as our future-selves lycra-bound flabby arse on that vibro-plate.

Realistic Expectations

New Year’s resolutions are always things like: “I must lose weight” but the subtext really is: “from now on I will get skinny and gorgeous. I will be a magnet for advances from either gender. I will get harassed by people offering to buy me drinks when I go to the bar because of how much of a giant RIDE I am. People who knew me in the past will break down in tears by glimpsing at my devastating beauty”. So somehow losing a few pounds will fix that lazy eye of yours? Those couple of kilos will instantly transform you into Ryan Reynolds or Scarlett Johansson? Not effing likely. Just get used to the fact that you will ALWAYS be your flawed delightfully pudgy self, and try and set the more realistic goal “I will be a little less pudgy, so I can fit in airplane seats” and the like.

Aim Low

There’s an ancient Chinese proverb:

The dung beetle does not try to fly like the dragonfly. It knows it’s place… eating shit.

You cannot fail if you don’t try, right? It’s simple mathematics really. A 0% failure rate is a beautiful thing to behold, so stack the odds in your own favour this time round. Instead of genuinely trying to better yourself, just pick resolutions that are easy and within your reach! Here are a few examples to get you started, but remember, the world is your easily-within-reach oyster:

1. Delete the local takeaway from your speed dial, the time you spend manually looking for the menu will allow you to eat it guilt free.

2. Don’t die.

3. Brush your hair most days.

4. Save money via call credit. Ignore your least important friend.

5. Extend your life with positive lifestyle changes… sleep at least an extra hour a day.

6. Burn extra calories by taking up bullying; you can lose 10lbs a year by playing the game “Stop Hitting Yourself” once a day.

7. Drink one less beer a week. But don’t stress yourself… if this proves difficult, have an extra whiskey instead.

8. Get dressed in outside clothes most days. If this is a bit much to ask, just add socks and a scarf to your stained underpants ensemble.

9. Educate yourself by watching more highbrow daytime TV. Exchange the Jeremy Kyle for a bit of Oprah.

10. Running every day? Well at least make an effort and blow your nose this year.

Happy New Year from Half a Giraffe!

Dr. Gemma Creagh,

Self Help Guru M.D.

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The 5 Steps to Happiness

Monday, 12 September 2011 by Gemma Creagh

“A guide to minding mindfulness that’s so healing it would make the Dali Llama shit himself.”

– (Esteemed Client) Barack Obama

The modern world is one full of stresses  – external as well as internal. As a both medical doctor and a spiritual guru, my new book “Take it up the Karma”, will to help you navigate through the minefield of unhappiness to the nudist camp of calm. You too can be the envy of your friends, rubbing your newly found nirvana right in their face in no time.

This critically mentioned book takes you through five easy-to-follow steps:

Step 1: Buy Enya CDs and wicker furniture.

People always ask me, “Gemma, how do you get so goddamn centered? TELL ME!”  To which I simply reply, “Is not he who smiles, evoking the act in the action?”

This has a very simple meaning; undertaking an action changes the overall outcome. Much like Shroedinkers Cats – he is a scientist from the past who would suffocate his pets in boxes to see how alive and dead he could make them.

So what am I saying in this first section? If you act like an enlightened person, this you will become.

Enya

Look how calm Enya's music makes Enya.

Step 2:  Love thy neighbour

Literally. Quite simply this section of the book deals with release and sharing, both emotionally and physically. Most organized religions preach abstinence, however I believe that one must spread love around – or even pass it in a circle at an organized event. To meet like-minded people in your area, call our personal Physical Release Expert & Organiser Rory Cashin on 086 *** *199 for more details.

It certainly helps when you have hot neighbours.

Step 3: Care for your Chakras

This segment deals with personal well-being. You have seven chakras; each are important energy points, which if kept unblocked and open, encourages health, happiness and vitally. These are: the Top of Your Head Chakra, the Inner Eye Chakra, the Neck Chakra, the Bosom Chakra, the Belly Chakra, the Underbelly Chakra and finally the important Genital Chakra.

In section 3 of “Take it up the Karma”, I will demonstrate the proper function of each and how to cure metaphysical ailments. For instance, did you know that if you poke your Underbelly Chakra, you would get a pain in your inner eye? Or that to place a blue crystal on your Neck Chakra cures the common cold?

Step 4: Dispel the demon of Money

I believe it was Gandhi who said “More Money, more problems…” and this wise man had a point. Even those creepy Catholics had it right when they said money is the root of all evil. Think about this for a minute; anything that has ever gone wrong in your life can be traced back to it.

Horrible boss? You put up with it for spondulas.

Sore foot? Doctors are too expensive.

Hangover? You couldn’t have bought all that beer without … you got it! MONEY.

So cast aside the shackles of this evil cash monster before you get bitten and too turn into a brain-eating zombie.

Number: **** **** **** 6756

Sort code: 78 – 09 – 65

If you send everything to this account it can be put through the cleansing process and put to good use. Helping sick children or puppies whatever.

Gandhi

Step 5: Complete transcendence

Easily attained; once finishing steps 1 – 4, total transcendence means becoming one with an enlightened community. Undertaking this means devoting your life totally to these ideals.

The most effective place to do this is at the Half A Giraffe Transcendence Camp. Located in the romantic setting of the nature-filled forests in Eastern Bolivia, here you will have a physical and mental routine to challenge and engage your soul. Devotees are placed into specific areas depending on their spiritual requirements such as:

–      Hand-sowing garments for Primark. To understand these teachings and the purest form of socialism – it is important to remain outside it. You know, for Clarity.

–      Farming. Being one with nature is being one with oneself in oneness. Join likeminded people in tending to our beautiful poppy and hemp fields.

–      Labs. Those who need to be reminded of our origin will be placed in the scientific labs. Here we create vast quantities of the compounds of enlightenment.

–      Servitude. One must lower oneself to rise above the false ideals of “Society”. Those lucky enough to be stationed here will experience the beauty of humility. By tending to the every whim of others, you are in fact tending to the every whim of your own soul.

Half a Giraffe Camp

Luxury accommodation

So please, join us. Happiness is 100% guaranteed* if you follow all the steps as outlined in “Take it up the Karma” – only available to purchase online at the nominal fee of €500 per ebook, exclusively at Half-a-Giraffe.com

Dr. Gemma “Deadly” Creagh

On a completely unrelated topic, do check out our friend’s the Diet of Worms Fringe Festival show, Cult. The previews start tomorrow and tickets are selling like sexy hotcakes, I’m sure!

*Terms and conditions may apply. Half a Giraffe are not responsible for depression, murder or instances of gigantism that sed book may propagate. You may not extract or re-utilise information derived from the text and/or any copies of such information (whether electronic or in hard copy format) for any commercial or business purpose including but not limited to, trading, building commercial databases, reselling or redistribution of such information.

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Future Epitaphs

Thursday, 31 March 2011 by Rory Cashin

It is not uncommon for major publications to write epitaphs for famous folk before they’ve died, so they have a rough draft of the news of their death ready to go asap. Of course, sometimes that leads to some weird situations…

Check the name of the guy who wrote Liz's epitaph and the dates of both pieces.

So, with this in mind, its probably for the best that we get cracking on the epitaphs of all us Half A Giraffe-ers. Using a potent mix of powerful psychics and scientific likelihood, this is what we’ve come up with. Try to hold back your tears…

BEN KEENAN

Born 18th September 1984

Died 11th May 2066

At the age of 35, Professor Keenan had achieved everything he had ever wanted. Three Oscars for directing, two for producing, four for Best Visual Effects, two Lifetime Achievement Awards and an MTV Best Kiss Award that he co-won with Sofia Vergara, Keenan and his hundreds of millions of dollars disappeared on to his private island off the coast of Brazil.

Almost 50 years later, a documentary crew snuck onto Isla Keena to discover his whereabouts. What they found had to be seen to be believed; Keenan had converted the entire island into a real-life, to scale version of Minecraft. Entire mountains and massive cave systems built out of perfectly cubed blocks of rock, and at the very center of the island was Keenan’s corpse, hoveled over a Mac that he apparently made from scratch out of materials on the island. And on the Mac screen? Minecraft.

“Into The Minecraft Of Madness; A Ben Keenan Story” was released in 2068 in 4-D, with Keenan somehow winning yet another Lifetime Achievement Award.

GEMMA CREAGH

Born 20th November 1984

Died 27th December 2085

In 2014, scientific studies were conducted on all persons living and dead, and it was discovered that Gemma Creagh was the greatest actor ever to have graced the Earth. Her commitment to her roles made the likes of Christian Bale and 50 Cent look like part-time local-theater chorus-line losers.

For her role in “The Drunkest Woman To Have Ever Lived”, Creagh decided to become the drunkest woman to have ever lived. Less than two years later she was used as a “Before” poster for Drink Aware campaigns, was the reason Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan went stone cold sober, and actually lost out on the role because she was so drunk.

Seventy years later, Creagh had sobered up, got A LOT of plastic surgery, and got the lead in the remake of “The Drunkest Woman To Have Ever Lived”… which was now a movie about the life of Gemma Creagh. On the last day of the shoot, Creagh was found dead in her trailer, having discovered at this moment that she was allergic to tap water, and as per her Last Will & Testaments instructions, Kevin Dowling was buried alive at the bottom of her coffin.

CIARAN MCNAMEE

Born 12th June 1984

Died ???

Instead of having a single biography written about him, publishers found it was easier to simply rewrite most of the history and science books in existence, such was McNamee’s impact on society and the world in general. Having discovered the Dodo surviving in a secret underworld beneath Newgrange, solved the mathematical equation for time travel and re-wrote Lost, then produced and directed the remake, starred as all the characters, cut it down from six seasons to one episode and have it make perfect sense, McNamee was destined to change the future.

The last time anyone had contact with McNamee, they noted that he said he was “going hunting for Pterodactyl eggs.” In 2044, a human skeleton was found in the stomach of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, with many people believing it to be the remains of McNamee, having perfected his time machine. However, there have been many sightings of McNamee at major historical events after 2044, including the funeral of Gemma Creagh/live burial of Kevin Dowling in 2085.

This has lead to Ciaran McNamee now being a more popular unexplained mystery than Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and, yes, the “disappearance” of the Dodo.

RORY CASHIN

Born 19th July 1983

Died 19th July 2052

Having tried his hand at writing sketches, short stories, novels, poetry, screenplays for tv, films and video games, scripts for musicals and plays, it turns out that Cashin’s real talent was in writing future epitaphs. Having gotten the exact date and type of death for President Obama (2029, accidentally swallowed his iPhone 7) and Paris Hilton (2037, on top of Mount Everest), Cashin became obsessed on having the most impressive epitaph for himself.

On his 69th birthday, Cashin was found dead in the world’s first legalized, open-air mass orgy. According to crime scene specialists, a landslide of naked and oiled women collapsed on top of him and he was suffocated to death. Paramedics on the scene found his body and managed to revive him; however, Cashin simply got up and jumped back into the fray. Three days later his body was found again, with the words “Do Not Resuscitate” written on his chest in body chocolate.

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Zsa Zsa Zsara’s Hotlist 2010

Monday, 6 December 2010 by Gemma Creagh

woman giant silly sunglasses drag queen

OMG bitches, guess what? My totally gorgeous but stylistically-challenged friends at Half a Giraffe have asked me for my very expert opinion on what’s hot this winter! So, feeling sorry for those lovely dungeon tan fashion victims, I decided to front my 2 cents for their adorable little site.

Now for all you sassy snow bunnies out there, I don’t mean literally hot – I’m talking about what’s super sexy and smoking on our delicious little Island. Here’s my top sizzlers for this season…

Totally Spicy:

-Ye Olde Resteraunte

ye oldE resteraunt

When women knew their place...

Who would have thunk it? Right? Seeing how old is the new, new, then this fabulous new eating venue is actually NEWER than new. It’s medieval. To die for, this 100% authentic middle ages establishment serves mead and ale in a freezing cold stone building with tiny, tiny windows… it’s serving the winter special of stale bread and almost rancid meat. Best of all you get to eat with your fingers! Yummmmmmm.

-Tough Love
tough love

No, not the prison kind, LOL! This most lovely sketch, that my Half a Giraffe lovelies have been literally poring their blood sweat and tears into for the past month and a bit, (you wouldn’t think it to look at it though – bless) is based on actual events. Not to be missed, this 3 minute super vid stars five of the sexiest men in the world: Brian, Brian, Tiny, Paul and Rory - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=467aazYBbfY

-The Punt
punt

Remember the days of the Celtic Tiger? Well I’m no ecologist like Eddie Hobbs or David Mac Walliams but this sassy diva of a fashion expert can trace the financial problems right back to the changing over to the Euro. Not only was it very, very confusing but they won’t even let me have a credit card anymore. Fascist bank men, I should be able to rack up as much debt as I like until Ricky Martin sees the light and finally decides to marry me!

-Buddha Beats

Even better than Electric Picnic

Even better than Electric Picnic

This new exclusive night, which takes place in secret and constantly changing locations, features Honkyoku, the shakuhachi and hocchiku music played live by the wandering Japanese Zen monks. Attendees must chant their mantras in order to attain enlightenment, which is often helped by downing one or two disco buicuits before the ceremony – which is enhanced by trance beats of by the house DJ, SAZZbot. Sexreligous! x

-’Let Us’ Eat-Outerie

LETTUCE

They love it!

Worried about putting on the pounds and not being able to squeeze into that slinky number for New Years only to vomit fat frog all over yourself during the festivities? Well, this gorge new fast food joint will sort the first part out, no bother. This heart healthy alternative to the chippie is the first chain of Take-Aways that only serve lettuce! I feel thinner already.

Blah Blah Bland:

Here’s just a few things that you should avoid like the plaque in order to stay cool this winter…

-Lidl

veggies

Yum: 300% dearer than normal

I am so sick of SAVING money on food shopping. All we hear on the news nowadays is “yadda yadda yadda bailout, Yadda yadda yadda debt.” But really, thrift is so last season. I want all my Zsa Zsa savers to break the mould! Forget about getting value for money and just get out there and spend – Fallon and Byrne all the way. If it isn’t handmade and organically imported from a famers market, THROW THAT SHIT AWAY.

-iPhone
Old Mobile Phone

The iPhone, Android Phone? Whatevahs! It’s time to get ironic people; and get vintage. I use a Nokia 5110 that I sourced on Ebay and last week I used the Siemens C25. You don’t even have to go as far back as that, a 3110 would do it, as long as it doesn’t have WAP you’re in business. You get bonus cool points if it has an aerial or a cracked screen (think of it like ripped jeans).

-Gangland murders
old news

So 2008, this crime has literally been done to death. The early naughties saw Human Trafficking take off in a big way, then it was Gangland Murders, but now we need something fresh, something sexy. I’m for bringing back black-market organ sales, or even a Dexter style serial killer? It’s up to the criminals out there to SORT YOUR SHIT OUT.

Peace.

X

Zsa Zsa Zsara

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Would You Like To Know The Future?

Wednesday, 26 May 2010 by Rory Cashin

Hello My Lovelies,

Let me tell you a story. I was sleeping on my bed two days ago (although I don’t like to call it “sleep”, I much prefer “conciousness purgatory”), and I was pulled into this world by my new SONY ERICSSON phone ringing me. Unknown number. Should I answer it? Well, you know me darlings, I love a challenge, as anyone who has heard my genre-bending, pushing the envelope right off the desk and into the shredder albums THE FAME (which was about wanting to be famous) and THE FAME MONSTER (which was about the downsides of being famous; we’re going through the ALEXANDER MCQUEEN designed looking glass here, people) would know.

Anyway my lovers, it turned out to be HALF A GIRAFFE, and they were asking would I mind doing a guest writer’s spot for their website. How could I resist? You all know how much I love to write, since I write ALL OF MY OWN songs. So I put some thought into what I was gonna write about, around the same amount of time I put into writing my songs, and five minutes later I had the following MASTERPIECE written. All of you, my beautiful adoring fans, know how much I love the future, evident from the clothes I wear which I base on Blade Runner retold from the point of view of Robocop on acid, so I decided to help all of you, my courageous individuals, and tell you all of your futures. Are you ready? Let us go!

Read the rest of this entry »

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