Are you a hot young wannabe who is looking for the fast-track to fame, but you don’t want to break your moral code and do nasty things on the casting couch? Are you a has-been borderline celeb who is looking for a way back onto the cover of the National Enquirer? Well, let Half A Giraffe help you! We’ve compiled a list of the must-do’s and must-have’s if you want to get famous… and STAY famous!
Rehab
When it comes to rehab, there are only two things that matter. The first is what you’re in rehab for. Alcohol has been done to death, and sex addiction was all the rage there for a while, but its run its course. Drugs are due for a massive comeback, with cocaine due to make a kitschy return to fashionable. Beat the rush and stock up now before the price by gram sky-rockets!
The second thing that matters is where you rehab. Betty Ford Clinics are for the really old (30′s and over), so right now its all about isolated islands in the middle of the Caribbean. Although we have just got word that they’ve opened up a new “detoxicification station” just on the rim of the active volcano Erebus in Antarctica, so that could be worth looking into.
Sex Tape
The list of celebrities who have appeared in a sex tape reads like a Venn Diagram of the most popular and the most talented people in Hollywood: Paris Hilton, Colin Farrell, Pamela Anderson, Fred Durst, Kim Kardashian, Verne Troyer… Basically everyone you’ve ever wanted to be. And up until recently, sex tapes were a surefire way of getting publicity, and then Dustin Diamond came along and wrecked it for everyone. But there is a way of salvaging this effort, by taking the Lindsay Lohan idea of fauxmosexuality and doing a lesbian sex tape. Unfortunately for all you guys out there, doing a gay sex tape isn’t going to work because Hollywood doesn’t want its leading men out and proud.
Entirely unrelated to my previous sentence.
You’re just going to have to wait til 2017 when bisexuality is “in” again. These things are cyclical, there’s charts and algorhythms and everything. Its all very Fashionating!
Prison Sentence
We’re not saying you should go murder someone and get sentenced to life imprisonment (because thats not going to help anybody), but maybe just a little traffic violation stuff, or drug misdemeanours, something cute like that. Ladies, we don’t want you coming out in 30 days time with shank scars on your face, and guys, we certainly don’t want you coming out with a new found fear of dropping soap in the shower.
A few weeks out of the spotlight might actually do you some good. Maybe you could write your memoirs? Take up a new hobby? Try out that new fad that everyone is on about? (This season its all about the Paleolithic Diet.) The world is your oyster!
Retirement
This choice may seem like an oxymoron, but there’s nothing the public wants more than what they can’t have. The second you announce your retirement, your back catalogue will start flying off the shelves like hot cakes. How many times has Jay-Z retired now? Four? Seventeen? We’ve lost count. But every time he unretires, his comeback album goes platinum and he makes a shitload of money. The guy knows how to retire.
But its no longer an old mans game. Stars are retiring at a younger and younger age now, with Amanda Bynes (24), Michael Cera (22) and Hilary Duff (23) all talking about bowing out from the employment racket. Our advice to you would be to get famous as young as possible, so you can quit showbusiness in your mid-to-late teens. Any later than that and you may already be too old to retire.
Insanity
This option for fame is cutting edge, and is currently being proto-tested by only one celebrity so far. The documentary “I’m Still Here: The Lost Years of Joaquin Phoenix” is currently doing the festival rounds, so we won’t know how effective a form of fame-mongering it is until later this year. There is some confusion as to whether or not Mel Gibson and Christian Bale are also applying themselves to the Insanity Method, but after some investigations it turns out that they are, in fact, just a couple of dickheads.
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, your five-step plan to easy famous-ness. If it all goes horribly wrong though, do us a favour and keep us out of the suicide note.
Tags: drugs, funny, hollywood, joaquin phoenix, lesbian, lindsay lohan, movies, music, rehab, sex
Posted in Staff Writer |