When thinking of the Christmas season I just can’t help but picture being serenaded by fur-clad choirs; romantic ensemble movies where EVERYONE finds true love; attractive hipster models making Xmas jumpers look cool & sexy*; saccharinely sweet family films where a young child & their workaholic dad save xmas while learning valuable life lessons; of friends and families being reunited over glasses of wine, next to an open log fires. I start to feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
However this is never, EVER how the holidays turn out.
Inevitably something always goes horribly wrong; often times numerous things go terribly badly – and every so often, anything bad that can possibly happen, does. So to accurately represent the bitter, angry tension of Christmas, here are some classic carols only a tad more… realistic.
“The weather outside is frightful
And this cake is so delightful,
I could go to the gym, although….
Let’s forgo, let’s forgo, let’s forgo!”
Personally, I don’t trust a person who doesn’t put on weight around the holidays, what with all those creamy desserts, beers, selection boxes, giant dinners with 4 different types of potatoes, Romantica and Baileys lying around. Also at this time of year, who has time to do any lifting (other than pints to mouth or/and shopping bags around town)?
“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Used to drunk dial his ex,
But she never answered Rudolph
Or replied to his sad texts”
Romantic films & Xmas TV specials, mixed with an over-consumption of alcohol and at least 10% of your friends getting engaged – well it all gets a bit nostalgic, doesn’t it? A lot of ‘What if’s or ‘If only’s, but trust me, the best present you can give yourself this year is leaving your mobile at home when going drinking.
“On the twelve pubs of Christmas
My true love gave (out) to me
‘bout three fist fights,
Two bags of chips,
And a pee I took, on the tree”
Who decided drinking at TWELVE PUBS in one night was a good idea? Perhaps this was a gimmick devised by stomach-pumping equipment salesmen? Or a Protestant conspiracy to combat overpopulation in Ireland? Either way, just remember to pace yourself and pre-buy your mum/partner/flat mate’s apology present to avoid having to go shopping with the worst hangover you’ll have all year.
“Dashing through the snow
Desperate shoppers all round town,
Into shops we go,
About to breakdown
Horns on Taxis blare,
Making people shout,
Oh how Xmas shopping
Stresses people out”
Eventually you get in so much debt that it doesn’t really matter anymore, right? But it’s not just the crippling bills that make the whole experience so traumatic; it’s the queues and the anxiety of people doing last-minute shopping. Every year I tell myself: “This year I’m going to buy everything online in November” but never fail, every year I end up in Henry Street on Christmas eve having a brawl with an elderly woman over who gets the last Lynx giftset.
“So this is Christmas
And what have I done?
Another year over,
I’m still living with my mum.
And yeah this is Christmas.
My friend Mark has a Jag.
While I’m down the dole queue,
Tanya’s a W.A.G.”
Did you hear about Megan? She’s back from Australia for Xmas and she has her own successful business. Yeah, well FUCK YOU MEGAN. I have just recently leveled up in W.O.W. and finished re-watching the entire Star Trek DS9 series. Life is all about priorities.
“O come, all ye relatives,
Loud and very pii-iissed,
O come ye,
O come ye
To my–y house.
Come drink my Baileys.
Knock over my la-a-amps!
O -verstay your welcome.
O -verstay your welcome!
OVERSTAY YOUR WELCOME.
Christ the Lord.”
Take three feuding siblings, add in an alcoholic Gran-aunt, a cousin with narcissistic personality disorder, mix with a pair of disapproving parents & some nieces and nephews outta their faces on sugar and you have yourself one unstable powder keg. Then just light the fuse by adding alcohol and step well back – possibly by emigrating to Australia.
Whatever your plans are for this Xmas, and however you plan on surviving them, have a great one from us here at Half a Giraffe. (Except for you, Megan – you can go fuck yourself).
*Does not apply to average-looking people over the age of 25, as they tend to end up looking like sex offenders when donning them. For those who must don an Xmas jumper avoid those creepy thin-rimmed glasses, pencil-moustaches & trench coats. See Below.