We often hear about Jesus. He was born in a manger under a star and gifted wonderful items by three wise men. As a man he healed the sick, fed the poor and lead his people to peace and tranquility before dying for the sins of man under the watchful eye of God, or as he calls him, “Da”.
These stories are age-old, told over many generations and will continue to be translated into many languages (text speak, cheezburger, etc.) and passed down from adults to children as the human race continues through its journey. Even non-Christians know the story of Jesus, that’s how popular his story is. It’s almost as popular as the story of Lord of the Rings, but not quite…
However there is a huge disparity in the story. A glaring error that most fail to see when hearing of the wonderful deeds Jesus did. He was born, and suddenly the story jumps on to his adult years as a glorious leader of men – a selfless, godly man who could perform miracles to inspire generations thereafter. But what about his teenage years?
We’ve very little documented proof he ever was a teenager, but rest assured he was. And here, exclusively, on HaG we can give you the low down of teenage Jesus.
At the awkward age of 13, Jesus was going through severe puberty. Of course, Clearasil wasn’t around 2000 years ago, but this was Jesus. At this point in time, he turned water into Clearasil to heal the wounds of time on his face, and rid himself of his spots, pimples and blemishes. Even the awkward ones on your bum.
At 14, hair started growing in places he never expected it to grow. One day he puffed out his cheeks and a giant beard appeared where his blemish-free face was. There were no razors around, and although Jesus could now turn water into shaving foam, no one had considered 5-blade razors and the single blade option was too painful on such an epic beard.
At 15, hormones were truly kicking in, and although he was able to perform miracles, he instead grew insular – kept his beard long and untrimmed while growing his hair long so he could hide behind it when walking to school across water. He turned the ocean sounds, that soothed most people, into Fallout Boy to soothe his angst. It wasn’t long before the Jewish kids in school began bullying him.
At 16, now legally able to work, the bullies began to take out new forms of tactics on the long-haired emo Jesus. Jesus now had to wear shoes and slacks to work after school, so he looked a little silly when playing football during P.E.. This raised further ire in him, and he turned the water he turned into Fallout Boy into Pantera. This soothed him at work when he stood around Currys all day waiting for customers to pounce on, selling consumer electronics (it was 2000 years ago, so we’re talking Sony Walkman type products) and insurance to people.
At 17 he discovered women, but his father disapproved of this. As such, he would remain celibate for the rest of his life as per his fathers wish. His father would enforce this strict upbringing on men for centuries afterwards – causing thousands of men to live long, frustrated lives while causing millions more to ignore his message and go for their primal urges instead.
18 and finally, Jesus could drive. Of course, cars and insurance liability hadn’t been invented yet, so Jesus had to resort to water sports. It was rather lonely though, as he was the only one who could walk, run and slide around on water.
From the ages 19 through to 22 Jesus took up a trade. His step-father was a tradesman, so he decided to get into the family business but found it too easy. Instead he took to public speaking about issues that concerned him, like humanities inhumanity to his fellow man and how to interact with customers through social media. It was after he performed P.R. miracles that people saw him for what he really was, a genius miracle worker after he turned FOXCONN into a success after it was revealed it used children’s limbs to manufacture parts.
After these successes, the Jewish leaders saw him as a threat to their society and the way in which they did business, so they sought to murder him through public crucifixion. To try and appease them, he harked back to his teenage years and raised that angry kid to turn negativity into positivity in order to run around the towns trying to heal people of their sins and problems. He hoped this would appease the government, but alas, they saw it as a threat to the way they did business even more. Cutting out the eyes of a man who illegally traded on the stock market served no purpose if Jesus was going to restore his sight.
And it’s at this point we leave it, as we know the rest of the tale of Jesus. I’m just glad to have been able to fill in the gap for you…
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