Queen Elizabeth and her other half will be popping across the pond today, as I’m sure many Cork and Dublin have been made aware due to the crizz-azy traffic across both city centers. There’s a guard on every street corner, and many hospitals are on standby – meaning Copper Face Jack’s has faced a customer lull in the last week akin to those predicted for Armageddon.
There are, of course, heightened security concerns that protesters are seeking to disrupt her itinerary, so Government officials have kept the ‘precise’ time and duration of each leg of her four-day itinerary under wraps for security reasons.
This is not Half a Giraffe’s first foray into investigative journalism – I once wrote a pretty hard-hitting special on Electric Picnic for the Daily Mail (Electric Picnic A-Z: check it out). So last Thursday, myself and Rory took it upon ourselves to discover some undisclosed details about the trip (by plying several officials with Fat Frogs in McGrattans). He’s what the Queen will REALLY be doing:
TUESDAY, 17th MAY
- Arrival at Casement Aerodrome – Queen Elizabeth and Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, will be greeted on the tarmac by Tánaiste and Minister for Foreign Affairs Eamon Gilmore… however the Queen being a big fan of shopping for discounted brands in Duty Free has organized for a quick en route trip to Terminal Two, much to the annoyance of Philip who just wanted to go straight there.
- Meeting President Mary McAleese at Áras an Uachtaráin – Mary had to get her people to shop at “Iceland” supermarket, as the Queen, being quite fussy, will only eat their mini Pizzas.
- Trip to view Book of Kells at TCD – The Queen will also be stopping at the Pavilion bar (the ‘Pav’) to enjoy a special cricket match and a can or two of Bavaria.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 18th
- “Windows” tour of Dublin at the Guinness Storehouse – This is special “Queenie” code for knocking back a few scoops in the Gravity Bar.
- Greeted by Taoiseach Enda Kenny at Government Buildings – The Queen, renowned for her sense of humour is planning to present Enda with a T-shirt reading: “Gingers have no souls”. We also discovered that he’s been forewarned about this – just in case he starts crying again.
- Visit to Croke Park – By visit, the Queen really plans on checking it out on Google Streetview while catching up on her Sky-Plussed “Coronation Street”.
- State dinner at Dublin Castle – The Queen has requested fish fingers, beans and queen cakes (another witty example of her “Queenie” humour) for dessert.
THURSDAY, MAY 19th
- Visit to National Stud Kildare – this will be followed by a quick trip around the Coca-Cola Factory. “Give that Queen a can of Coke”
- The Duke of Edinburgh to attend a reception at Farmleigh House with members of Gaisce; the President’s award – During which the Queen is sneaking off for a quick game of Bingo.
- A celebration of the Queen’s visit at the Convention Centre Dublin – The Queen and Duke will also pop over to have a post-work pineapple Bacardi Breezer and Jager bomb in The Ferryman.
FRIDAY, MAY 20th
- Tour of St Patrick’s Rock, Cashel – The Queen has since cancelled this event, claiming that: “it seemed like the single most boring thing in the world to do, and seeing as how I’m 85 and doesn’t have much time left. I really can’t be bothered. But thanks for the invite though, Irish Government.”
- Visit to English Market in Cork – After which the Queen and the Duke are also planning on heading into Crane Lane to catch four-piece Indie powerpop band “The Melismatics”.
- Visit to Tyndall National Institute, Cork – Upon being questioned by the press on this part of the visit, the Queen is cited as saying: “What? The Tyndall National what? There’s no way I agreed to this. Phil. Did you tell the Irish we’d go here? Over my dead body.” (Pause) “Phil… that is not funny”
- Departure from Cork airport
A big welcome to the Queen from all the Giraffes. Her and Phil are more than welcome to pop down to our headquarters in HSQ, and avail of a Captain Morgans & Coke or a warm can of Fosters, if they get bored up there in Farmleigh.
Tags: Book of Kells, Cork, Croke Park, dublin, Dublin Castle, Duke of Edinburgh, Enda Kenny, Farmleigh House, Guinness Storehouse, Kildare, Mary McAleese, Prince Philip, Queen Elizabeth, TCD, Tyndall National Institute