“A guide to minding mindfulness that’s so healing it would make the Dali Llama shit himself.”
– (Esteemed Client) Barack Obama
The modern world is one full of stresses – external as well as internal. As a both medical doctor and a spiritual guru, my new book “Take it up the Karma”, will to help you navigate through the minefield of unhappiness to the nudist camp of calm. You too can be the envy of your friends, rubbing your newly found nirvana right in their face in no time.
This critically mentioned book takes you through five easy-to-follow steps:
Step 1: Buy Enya CDs and wicker furniture.
People always ask me, “Gemma, how do you get so goddamn centered? TELL ME!” To which I simply reply, “Is not he who smiles, evoking the act in the action?”
This has a very simple meaning; undertaking an action changes the overall outcome. Much like Shroedinkers Cats – he is a scientist from the past who would suffocate his pets in boxes to see how alive and dead he could make them.
So what am I saying in this first section? If you act like an enlightened person, this you will become.
Look how calm Enya's music makes Enya.
Step 2: Love thy neighbour
Literally. Quite simply this section of the book deals with release and sharing, both emotionally and physically. Most organized religions preach abstinence, however I believe that one must spread love around – or even pass it in a circle at an organized event. To meet like-minded people in your area, call our personal Physical Release Expert & Organiser Rory Cashin on 086 *** *199 for more details.
It certainly helps when you have hot neighbours.
Step 3: Care for your Chakras
This segment deals with personal well-being. You have seven chakras; each are important energy points, which if kept unblocked and open, encourages health, happiness and vitally. These are: the Top of Your Head Chakra, the Inner Eye Chakra, the Neck Chakra, the Bosom Chakra, the Belly Chakra, the Underbelly Chakra and finally the important Genital Chakra.
In section 3 of “Take it up the Karma”, I will demonstrate the proper function of each and how to cure metaphysical ailments. For instance, did you know that if you poke your Underbelly Chakra, you would get a pain in your inner eye? Or that to place a blue crystal on your Neck Chakra cures the common cold?
Step 4: Dispel the demon of Money
I believe it was Gandhi who said “More Money, more problems…” and this wise man had a point. Even those creepy Catholics had it right when they said money is the root of all evil. Think about this for a minute; anything that has ever gone wrong in your life can be traced back to it.
Horrible boss? You put up with it for spondulas.
Sore foot? Doctors are too expensive.
Hangover? You couldn’t have bought all that beer without … you got it! MONEY.
So cast aside the shackles of this evil cash monster before you get bitten and too turn into a brain-eating zombie.
Number: **** **** **** 6756
Sort code: 78 – 09 – 65
If you send everything to this account it can be put through the cleansing process and put to good use. Helping sick children or puppies whatever.
Step 5: Complete transcendence
Easily attained; once finishing steps 1 – 4, total transcendence means becoming one with an enlightened community. Undertaking this means devoting your life totally to these ideals.
The most effective place to do this is at the Half A Giraffe Transcendence Camp. Located in the romantic setting of the nature-filled forests in Eastern Bolivia, here you will have a physical and mental routine to challenge and engage your soul. Devotees are placed into specific areas depending on their spiritual requirements such as:
– Hand-sowing garments for Primark. To understand these teachings and the purest form of socialism – it is important to remain outside it. You know, for Clarity.
– Farming. Being one with nature is being one with oneself in oneness. Join likeminded people in tending to our beautiful poppy and hemp fields.
– Labs. Those who need to be reminded of our origin will be placed in the scientific labs. Here we create vast quantities of the compounds of enlightenment.
– Servitude. One must lower oneself to rise above the false ideals of “Society”. Those lucky enough to be stationed here will experience the beauty of humility. By tending to the every whim of others, you are in fact tending to the every whim of your own soul.
Luxury accommodation
So please, join us. Happiness is 100% guaranteed* if you follow all the steps as outlined in “Take it up the Karma” – only available to purchase online at the nominal fee of €500 per ebook, exclusively at Half-a-Giraffe.com
Dr. Gemma “Deadly” Creagh
On a completely unrelated topic, do check out our friend’s the Diet of Worms Fringe Festival show, Cult. The previews start tomorrow and tickets are selling like sexy hotcakes, I’m sure!
*Terms and conditions may apply. Half a Giraffe are not responsible for depression, murder or instances of gigantism that sed book may propagate. You may not extract or re-utilise information derived from the text and/or any copies of such information (whether electronic or in hard copy format) for any commercial or business purpose including but not limited to, trading, building commercial databases, reselling or redistribution of such information.Tags: barack obama, Dali Lama, Half A Giraffe, Karma, love, Money, Nirvana, Penney's, Primark, Religion, rory cashin, sex
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