In case you missed any of the following (and if you did, then you live a happier life than I) here are the abridged scripts for the ten worst movies of the past year. And for anyone who’s saying “But the year isn’t over yet! He hasn’t seen Alvin & The Chipmunks 3 yet!”, let me reply “Fuck you. I’ve seen enough.” Now, on with the list…
10. The Green Lantern
(for a longer, funnier script version of this movie, click here)
Ryan Reynolds: Wow. This video game cost $200 million to make?
Mark Strong: This isn’t a video game… this is a movie.
Ryan Reynolds: Say what?
9. New Year’s Eve
Just About Every Actor In Hollywood: I wish *I* could find true love.
Just About Every Member Of The Audience: Are you kidding? Halle Berry and Ashton Kutcher can’t find true love? If people who look like Halle Berry and Ashton Kutchen can’t find true love, then what the fuck am I supposed to do? Go fuck yourself, Hollywood!
8. Apollo 18
Spaceman #1: Wow, the Moon is kinda dull for most of this movie…
Spaceman #2: OHMYGOD! Aliens! But they look like rocks so they’re the least scary aliens in the entire history of cinema! Run!
Audience: Will do. *runs*
7. Cowboys & Aliens
Daniel Craig: I have amnesia.
Harrison Ford: We’re going to wish we had amnesia once this movie comes out…
Olivia Wilde: Aliens are bad. But I’m an alien, but I’m good. So aliens are … good? *dies*
Director Jon Favreau: I gave up Iron Man 3 for this??
6. Battle Los Angeles
Aaron Eckhart: The trailer for this movie is AWESOME!
Michelle Rodriguez: I know, even my cliched appearance can’t screw this up-
Audience: This film blows. It’s not even clear why the aliens are here or why they’re blowing everything up.
Aaron Eckhart: Anyone else noticing a trend between bad movies and aliens this year?
5. Twilight Breaking Dawn Part One
Robert Pattinson: Lets get married.
Marriage: *takes a long time to happen*
Kirsten Stewart: Now that we’re married, we can finally have sex!
Sex: *is still bad for you. For some reason*
Taylor Lautner’s Abs: Even Abduction wasn’t as bad as this.
4. Demons Never Die
Tulisa From XFactor: *dies within 15 seconds*
Robert Sheehan: I’m the only person anyone in the audience has ever heard of now. This movie is mine!
Everyone Else In The Movie: You can ‘av’ ih, mate.
Audience: So… this is about… suicidal teens… being murdered… for being… suicidal? I don’t think I understand this movie.
3. Johnny English Reborn
Rowan Atkinson: Remember me?
English Speaking Audience: OH GOD! *runs from cinema*
Non-English Speaking Audience: You do funny faces! Here’s all of our money!
2. Dream House
Daniel Craig: Me again? This was a bad year.
Rachel Weisz: Hey, remember that essay you wrote in primary school at Halloween about the haunted house and the ghosts and it was all a dream at the end and blahdy blahdy blah?
Daniel Craig: Yeah?
Rachel Weisz: Well… *hands him the script*
Daniel Craig: Oh shit…..
Nicolas Cage: *to Nicole Kidman* You’re in this?
Nicole Kidman: *to Nicolas Cage* You’re in this??
Cam Gigandet: I’m in this!!!
Nicolas Cage & Nicole Kidman: Oh shit…
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