Half A Giraffe

The comedy stylings of the pleasantly deranged

Tag Archives: movies

The Ten Worst Movies Of 2011

Tuesday, 13 December 2011 by Rory Cashin

In case you missed any of the following (and if you did, then you live a happier life than I) here are the abridged scripts for the ten worst movies of the past year. And for anyone who’s saying “But the year isn’t over yet! He hasn’t seen Alvin & The Chipmunks 3 yet!”, let me reply “Fuck you. I’ve seen enough.” Now, on with the list…

10. The Green Lantern

(for a longer, funnier script version of this movie, click here)

Ryan Reynolds: Wow. This video game cost $200 million to make?

Mark Strong: This isn’t a video game… this is a movie.

Ryan Reynolds: Say what?

9. New Year’s Eve

Just About Every Actor In Hollywood: I wish *I* could find true love.

Just About Every Member Of The Audience: Are you kidding? Halle Berry and Ashton Kutcher can’t find true love? If people who look like Halle Berry and Ashton Kutchen can’t find true love, then what the fuck am I supposed to do? Go fuck yourself, Hollywood!

8. Apollo 18

Spaceman #1: Wow, the Moon is kinda dull for most of this movie…

Spaceman #2: OHMYGOD! Aliens! But they look like rocks so they’re the least scary aliens in the entire history of cinema! Run!

Audience: Will do. *runs*

7. Cowboys & Aliens

Daniel Craig: I have amnesia.

Harrison Ford: We’re going to wish we had amnesia once this movie comes out…

Olivia Wilde: Aliens are bad. But I’m an alien, but I’m good. So aliens are … good? *dies*

Director Jon Favreau: I gave up Iron Man 3 for this??

6. Battle Los Angeles

Aaron Eckhart: The trailer for this movie is AWESOME!

Michelle Rodriguez: I know, even my cliched appearance can’t screw this up-

Audience: This film blows. It’s not even clear why the aliens are here or why they’re blowing everything up.

Aaron Eckhart: Anyone else noticing a trend between bad movies and aliens this year?

5. Twilight Breaking Dawn Part One

Robert Pattinson: Lets get married.

Marriage: *takes a long time to happen*

Kirsten Stewart: Now that we’re married, we can finally have sex!

Sex: *is still bad for you. For some reason*

Taylor Lautner’s Abs: Even Abduction wasn’t as bad as this.

4. Demons Never Die

Tulisa From XFactor: *dies within 15 seconds*

Robert Sheehan: I’m the only person anyone in the audience has ever heard of now. This movie is mine!

Everyone Else In The Movie: You can ‘av’ ih, mate.

Audience: So… this is about… suicidal teens… being murdered… for being… suicidal? I don’t think I understand this movie.

3. Johnny English Reborn

Rowan Atkinson: Remember me?

English Speaking Audience: OH GOD! *runs from cinema*

Non-English Speaking Audience: You do funny faces! Here’s all of our money!

2. Dream House

Daniel Craig: Me again? This was a bad year.

Rachel Weisz: Hey, remember that essay you wrote in primary school at Halloween about the haunted house and the ghosts and it was all a dream at the end and blahdy blahdy blah?

Daniel Craig: Yeah?

Rachel Weisz: Well… *hands him the script*

Daniel Craig: Oh shit…..

1. Trespass

Nicolas Cage: *to Nicole Kidman* You’re in this?

Nicole Kidman: *to Nicolas Cage* You’re in this??

Cam Gigandet: I’m in this!!!

Nicolas Cage & Nicole Kidman: Oh shit…

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A Quick List Of People That Need To Go Away

Wednesday, 5 October 2011 by Rory Cashin

There are some people in this world who seem like the have earned the dues, who have worked hard to get to where they are, and who know when they’re (and more importantly, when they’re NOT) welcome to intrude upon their lives. None of these people will be present on the following list.

- Pitbull

Having titled his most recent album Planet Pit (ugh…), clearly Pitbull doesn’t think too highly of himself. But since his first album in 2004, he has released SIX albums, and this year alone, has released four singles of his own, and guest appeared on seven others. Go away.

- Katherine Heigl

Rotten Tomatoes scores of Heigl’s last four films; Killers (11%), Life As We Know It (28%), The Ugly Truth (14%), 27 Dresses (40%, hooray!). Next up is the rom-com New Years Day, the semi-sequel to Valentine’s Day (17%), and then One For The Money, from the director of The Last Song (20%) which is about a bounty hunter chasing down their ex, which sounds a lot like The Bounty Hunter (7%).

- will.i.am

Almost single-handedly responsible for the failure of Cheryl Cole’s career, and also the introduction of the current trend in monotonous electro-dance-r’n'b hybrid that EVERY. SINGLE. SONG must sound like lately. He’s also thinking he can act (X-Men Wolverine: 37%) and is being hired as a creative director for Intel (WTF??). Top it all off with his new album title, The Black Einstein, and he’s changing his name to Zuper Blahq. Gross.

- Kate Hudson

Back to Rotten Tomatoes: A Little Bit Of Heaven (6%), Something Borrowed (14%), Bride Wars (11%), Fool’s Gold (11%), My Best Friends Girl (14%), You Me & Dupree (21%), Raising Helen (23%), Alex & Emma (11%)… thats quite a track record. Remember to the girl from Almost Famous? What happened to her? We miss her. Come back when you’re her again.

- David Guetta

Think of every annoyingly catchy song that seems to be played in every club and on every radio station every day for three months straight. There is a very good chance that Guetta was involved with it. There was a moment, some time in 2009, when it seemed like he was a good influence. But then, just like will.i.am, everything seemed to sound the same. Also, his song titles are the worst kind of generic, but we all look forward to future releases “Dance To This” and “Music Is Nice”.

Also shortlisted for expulsion from life:

- Lil’ Wayne. So far in 2011, Mister Wayne has appeared on over THIRTY different singles, not including any he has released himself. He’s done raps with Jennifer Lopez, Joe Jonas, Madonna and Mariah Carey. Isn’t there some kind of Rap Guy Respect Repo company out there hunting him down?

- Jack Black. His films seem to do rather well critically (five of his last eight movies scored over 70% on RT), but he himself… he is just draining. And when he gets it wrong (Gulliver’s Travels, Year One), its a cinematic train wreck. Take some time off, a few years maybe, then come back with a dramedy like Will Ferrell did with Stranger Than Fiction. Actually, come to think of it…

- Will Ferrell. Take another break, then come back with Even Stranger Than Fiction.

- RedOne, real name Nadir Khayat. There’s a very good chance you have no idea who he is, but he wrote and produced the following songs: “Just Dance”, “LoveGame”, “Poker Face”, “Bad Romance”, “Alejandro”, “Judas”… that’s right. RedOne is the person responsible for Lady GaGa’s popularity. We need to sort this problem out from it’s source.

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Green Lantern in 5 Minutes or Less!

Monday, 4 July 2011 by Rory Cashin

EXT. SOME WEIRD PLANET. DAY.

GEOFFREY RUSH: Hello there, my name is Tomar-Re, and I’m here to stick some needlessly detailed exposition in any time things get too exciting. Millions of years ago…

AUDIENCE: Oh dear.

GEOFFREY RUSH: … from one of the six thousand quadrants in space…

AUDIENCE: Here we go.

GEOFFREY RUSH: … and then Abin Sur fought the newly released Parallax…

AUDIENCE: Just wake up me up when Ryan Reynolds gets here.

INT. RYAN REYNOLD’S AIR BASE. DAY.

RYAN REYNOLDS: Hi everyone, I’m Hal Jordan. You can route for me because I’m a fish out of water, just like you! I mean, I’m super handsome and have the body of an adonis and get to bang Blake Lively and am a test-pilot for the marines, but aside from that… Yes, just like you!

BLAKE LIVELY: Ryan! You’re late for the testing of the unmaned fighter jets!

RYAN REYNOLDS: Because they turned out so well in that movie Stealth?

BLAKE LIVELY: Nobody seen that movie! Now get your ass in the air!

INT. FIGHTER JET. DAY.

BLAKE LIVELY: I know you normally break the rules, but please don’t-

RYAN REYNOLDS: *breaks the rules*

BLAKE LIVELY: Damn your breaking of the rules, you damn rule breaker!

RYAN REYNOLDS: Hey baby, if you don’t want your rules broken, then don’t hire a rulebrea- *has awkwardly timed father themed flashback, crashes plane*

EXT. STREET. NIGHT.

RYAN REYNOLDS: *has just left his nephew’s birthday party, gets picked up by a ball of green jello, and whisked to the seaside*

ABIN-SUR: I’m totally dying. The ring chose you. Here’s a lantern, too. Say the oath.

RYAN REYNOLDS: Okay, thanks. Laters.

INT. RYAN’S APARTMENT. NIGHT.

RYAN REYNOLDS: *has some comedic relief with the lantern, gets picked up by a ball of green jello, and whisked to Planet CGI Oa*

GEOFFREY RUSH: Hi Ryan, things have been pretty exciting for a while now, so I’m going to slow it right down…

AUDIENCE: This guy again?

GEOFFREY RUSH: Let me introduce you to the voices of Michael Clarke Duncan…

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN: *punches Ryan in the face*

GEOFFREY RUSH: …and Mark Strong.

MARK STRONG: Despite my character’s name being Sinestro, it is I who shall be weary of you, Reynolds!

GEOFFREY RUSH: Now, thats enough character exposition for now. Lets have you try out your powers.

RYAN REYNOLDS: *flies, makes guns and swords and chainsaws and fights Mark Strong and loses. The best scene in the movie is now over*

MARK STRONG: You lost. Despite the ring choosing you and me believing in it with all of my heart, you should still totally quit.

RYAN REYNOLDS: I lost? I’ve never lost at any thing in my entire life! I quit Green Lanterning! *runs back to Earth, crying*

INT. SOME LAB ON EARTH. DAY.

ANGELA BASSETT: We found the remains of an alien. Despite you being a clearly mentally unstable hermit, we think you’re just the man for the job of dissecting it alone.

PETER SAARSGARD: Thanks. *dissects Abin-Sur, gets infected with the Parallax, slowly turns into the Elephant Man, nobody seems to notice*

TIM ROBBINS: Son! You look great!

PETER SAARSGARD: *reading his Dad’s mind* You don’t think I look great at all! You lied to me! *kills Tim Robbins*

RYAN REYNOLDS: Oh my God, you killed the only good actor left in this movie! *they fight, Ryan loses again*

EXT. PLANET CGI OA. NIGHT.

RYAN REYNOLDS: Seven Old Yoda-looking people, please help me save my planet.

SEVEN OLD YODA-LOOKING PEOPLE: Nah.

RYAN REYNOLDS: Fine, I’ll do it myself!

MARK STRONG: I would come and help you, but I’m busy lazily setting up a sequel here.

RYAN REYNOLDS: I understand.

EXT. SOME CITY ON EARTH. DAY.

PARALLAX: *has arrived. It looks like an Octopus made out of dirty clouds, and it is eating people’s… souls? Fear? Skeletons? Its not clear*

PETER SAARSGARD: Let us combine our powers! *gets his skeleton eaten, dies*

RYAN REYNOLDS: Hey, Parallax! I totally banged your mom last night!

PARALLAX: You what?! I will eat the skeleton right out of you!

RYAN REYNOLDS: *runs away to the Sun, throws Parallax into it, finally wins a fight, but then passes out*

MARK STRONG: *saves Ryan from falling into the sun*

RYAN REYNOLDS: Were you guys here this whole time?

MARK STRONG / GEOFFREY RUSH / MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN: Yeah…

RYAN REYNOLDS: And you never thought of helping me out?

MARK STRONG: Listen, best not start pointing out plot holes now, or people will start asking how is it we’re able to breath in space.

RYAN REYNOLDS: Good point.

THE END.


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Viral Campaigns

Monday, 13 June 2011 by Rory Cashin

Like that time your mother tried to become President Of STDs, a viral campaign for movies is full of hinted at treasures to be found in photos and videos all over the internet. But unlike that time your mother tried to become President Of STDs, a viral campaign for movies usually results in something you want to see. Current viral kings Christopher Nolan and JJ Abrams basically re-invented the idea of marketing campaigns with their virals for The Dark Knight and Cloverfield, respectively.

And as both directors have upcoming releases, Nolan with The Dark Knight Rises and Abrams with Super 8, we here at Half A Giraffe managed to have a rare sit-down chat with both directors to discuss the future of viral marketing campaigns.

Nolan: “While I was really happy with how popular The Dark Knight turned out to be, I was a little bit upset that after all the hard work we had put into the viral marketing campaign, once the movie came out, nobody was interested in the film’s website anymore.”

Abrams: “Yeah, same here. We spent so much money and time on the Cloverfield viral stuff that I almost completely forgot I had to make a film at the end. And then it dawned on me…”

Nolan: “Yeah, Abrams rang me up and pitched this idea to me. What if we came up with a viral marketing campaign, and then at the end of it, you get the website for the next viral marketing campaign!”

Abrams: “Skip the movie completely!”

Nolan: “It’s genius!”

Nolan and Abrams have since teamed up on a top-secret viral marketing campaign which will eventually lead to giving viewers details on how to get to the next top-secret viral markerting campaign. While movies such as Inception and Star Trek cost over $200 million each to produce, these internet phenomenons cost next to nothing to make. When questioned about the lack of story for the campaigns to be attached to, Nolan responded “Meh. Nobody gives a shit about plot stuff anymore.“, to which Abrams added “All you really need for the campaign to work is some spooky visuals and eerie sound effects. Maybe a puzzle or two for the nerds to break so they can feel a bit better about themselves.”

Half A Giraffe was given a sneak peak at the upcoming homepage for www.donttellyourfriendsaboutthis.com:

over which there were indeed some eerie sound effects played, which one eagle-eared listener picked up on as being an extremely slowed down version of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” song. Apparently viewers will be invited to find clues in the above image in order to move on to the next website www.seriouslythisisjustbetweenyouandme.com, which promises even creepier images and even eerier sound effects, along with a possibility of a teaser trailer for the third website www.iknowyouretellingsomeoneaboutthisbecauseitsgettingloadsofhits.com

When asked about their future movie careers, both Nolan and Abrams said they might make one more feature before giving themselves entirely over to online viral marketing. Nolan states “My one is about this guy who’s all alone in space… but its not really space… its actually inside his own mind… or is it? I’m not entirely sure, actually, I was really high when I wrote it.” and Abrams saying “Mine is called JJ Abrams presents Lens Flares, and its just 120 minutes of cast members getting blinded by overbearing lens flares. The online viral marketing campaign is done and has blinded at least 2 million people around the world already.“

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RIP Andy Serkis; The Dark Side of Mo-Cap

Thursday, 28 April 2011 by Rory Cashin

The great modern-day actor Andy Serkis (real name Andrew Serkissian) was found dead in his swimming pool today by his maid. While a great actor in his own right, Serkis is more well known for his work in motion capture, with his performance given a CG-makeover for the likes of Gollum in Lord Of The Rings, Kong in King Kong, as well as mo-capped roles in the upcoming Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes and The Adventures Of Tin Tin.

In happier times. (i.e. before death)

A close friend of Serkis revealed the possible cause of his death:

“Its all stupid Spielberg’s fault! He kept trying to push Andy further and further with mo-cap stuff, and he finally broke and agreed to star as the shark in the remake of Jaws!”

When approached for comment, Spielberg had this to say:

“I am deeply morose [sic] about the lose of my close friend Andy. I had the pleasure to work with him on the set of TinTin, and he is truly the world’s greatest mo-cap performer. If anyone in the world could have pulled off mo-capping the shark in the remake of Jaws, it was Andy.”

Here's Andy, mo-capping for the role of a man.

Video footage from the CCTV cameras around Serkis’ home have found that he had been living in and around his swimming pool for almost two weeks prior to his date of death, with the last four days spent entirely underwater. Along with his body, police found the carcasses of seventeen fish at the bottom of the pool, along with a digested licence plate and most of the hull of a small boat.

Rumours thats all of this is in fact Serkis’ attempt at mo-capping for the role of Joe Gills in the remake of Sunset Boulevard is yet to be confirmed.

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Oscar Predictions!

Thursday, 27 January 2011 by Rory Cashin

With the Oscar rehearsal (aka the Golden Globes) done, and the Oscar nominations released, all of Hollywood is looking forward to February 27th to see who’ll win what, who’ll wear whom and, more importantly, who’ll get it on at the after-parties. Here are some HaG predictions.

James Franco and Anne Hathaway

Right at the start of the technical awards, just as everyone famous gets up and leaves for the open bar, the podium collapses and falls of Franco’s arm, pinning him to the stage. Anne Hathaway uses this to her advantage by stealing all his best lines on the teleprompter. Eventually, fifteen hours later when the technical section of the awards is nearing its end, Franco announces Reece Withespoon the winner of Best Sound Mixing, and when she comes up to the stage to collect her award, he uses her scythe-like chin to cut himself free.

Gary Busey

Showing up with Courtney Love as his date, she wearing a simple black dress, everyone the world over is expecting some kind of tele-visual fireworks. Instead, they remain sober and coherent throughout the entire evening, making absolutely no kind of uncomfortable scene at all. Ryan Seacrest, during his interview on the red carpet, is driven mad by their lack of insanity, and kills the next interviewee he comes across. Which happens to be Justin Bieber, so nobody really minds.

Award Winners

There are no major surprises across the night in terms of winners, except when Sandra Bullock comes out to present the Best Actor award. She announces the nominations with her usual mix of charm and grace, but then once it comes to reading whats inside the envelope…

“A- A- A… An- An… A- An- An… And… t- t-t… the… wi- wi- wi… win-win… WINNER… i- i… i- i- i… is… Colin Firth!”

The audience is flabbergasted by Sandra’s total lack of tact, but they promptly fall back in love with her when she tells everyone that her adopted baby has been cheating on her with a different adoptive mother.

Fashion

Never one to miss a beat, all the major fashion designers try to re-capture the magic of GaGa’s meat dress, but get beaten out of the market when McDonalds releases their McDress (which is worn by both Natalie Portman and one of the Wachowski Siblings… embarrasing!), Burger King show off their Whopper Gowns, worn by Kathy Bates and that chick from Precious, and KFC announce their Zinger Wraps, which, while look great, make you feel like shit the whole next day.

After Parties

As is the case every year, the after parties are madness; Some hot new couple will hook up, but it being Hollywood, they can’t tell anyone about it, so they both find beards to cover up the truth. Someone will die at Elton John’s party, but nobody notices because they’re not quite famous enough to be missed. In lieu of a “key party”, all the winners put their Oscars into a big bowl, and whichever they pick out, they go home with that person, with the Best Visual Effects winner being considered the boobie prize.

Join me in a drinking game during the Oscars, any time someone says any of the following words, take a shot: God, partner, agent, privilege, nominated, or any mention of “our boys over seas” and “Barack Obama is amazing”. See you in the ER!

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Sexy Monsters!

Thursday, 13 January 2011 by Rory Cashin

Up until recently, cinema was a man’s world. Explosions, gun fights, boobies, gangsters, more explosions, violence, exploding boobies… fantastic. Women would come in now and again to catch the latest “Jennifer Aniston Can’t Find Real Love” movie or “Colin Firth Is Another Adorable Man” movie, but by and large, men owned the cinema. And then Twilight happened.

Women came in their droves, and in one fell swoop, vampires and werewolves were no longer scary, and cinema was swiped from under the noses of men. And as the Twilight films keep being knocked out at a rate of one a year, along comes Red Riding Hood, due out in 2011, a re-telling of that story, but with a werewolf, being played by this dude:

And without doubt, that movie will make a butt-load of money too. And if Sexy Monsters is what you want, then Sexy Monsters is what you’re gonna get. Here are some Half A Giraffe suggestions:

Frankenstein’s Monster!

In our version, Frankenstein would be played by Dr. Jessica Simpson, and she would make her “monster” by piecing together various parts from the world’s most handsome men, who would then be played by Ryan Reynolds. The local village folk would be disgusted at this example of human perfection, and demand it be destroyed. What will Dr. Simpson do; will she follow her brain and destroy this unparalleled specimen, or follow her heart and fall in love with “it”? In cinemas, July 4th 2013.

The Mummy!

Explosion At Toilet Roll Factory. Man Missing, Presumed Dead...

Professor Lindsay Lohan, head of the field of Egyptology, discovers the mummified remains of a former Pharaoh, and accidentally brings it back to life. After a slight misunderstanding wherein the mummy kills all of her team, she brings it back to America in hopes of rehabilitating him for modern life. And as the mummy learns to live (and possibly love?) in the 21st century, more and more of its bandages fall off to reveal… Paul Walker! This movie is to be directed by Oliver Stone.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde!

Schizophrenia is Sexy!

Psychologist Pamela Anderson has just agreed to see a new patient, Doctor Alex Jekkyl (played by George Clooney), who might be suffering from bi-polar disorder. Then, in the middle of one of their sessions, Dr Hyde takes a fit, and turns into Mister Harrison Hyde (played by Brad Pitt). Over the course of their sessions, the psychologist finds herself falling in love with both sides of this person, and she must decide whether to cure Jekkyl of his problems, or continue having the weirdest ménage à trois in history.

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Holidays in Space

Wednesday, 20 October 2010 by Rory Cashin

Lets face it, Earth is done. Its over. Its a has-been. You’ve had your moment in the Sun, now its time to step aside and let a hotter, hipper planet or moon take the spotlight. So, in anticipation of The Next Big Thing, we here at Half A Giraffe have compiled a list of vacation spots for you all to hit up in the not-too-distant future…

PANDORA

Distance from Earth: 4.9 Light Years.

Why Pandora?: While the planet Polyphemus it orbits is a lifeless gas giant, the moon Pandora itself is a bustling “nature reserve”. This is the ideal vacation spot for those looking to get back in touch with nature, however if you even look at a floating neon jelly-plant wrong, one of the locals with have your eye out with a giant pointy stick. Thankfully, the planet is surrounded by a massive military presence, so should anything go wrong you know you can just ask them to blow the place to bits.

Take that, peaceful locals!

Local Amenities: There are really two different types of holiday to be had on Pandora. You can either enjoy some nice nature walks, go on an interactive trip through the “animal enclosure”, become one of the Na’Vi and get involved in alot of trippy USB-hair extension orgies. Or you could join the local army force and take up target practise, unobtanium mining and general dictator establishing activities.

Prices: At the moment, the only way of travelling to Pandora is on board a military starship, so you can travel there for free as long as you sign on. The military will also provide free accomodation, or alternatively, if you defect and join the Na’Vi, accomodation is also free, since they mostly sleep in their big tree.

MOON

Distance from Earth: 225, 622 miles to 252, 008 miles.

Why Moon?: Much like people who have travelled the world but don’t know anything about their home country, our Moon is often over-looked as a holiday destination. And rightly so. There really isn’t much to do on this dead and devoid planetoid (we know its not a planetoid, but it rhymed nicely with devoid). However, we do recommend the Moon for those looking for some time away alone with your own thoughts, and to learn to enjoy your own company.

I'm not bored. Just... presently introvert.

Local Amenities: Again, its a bit of a hard sell, because there’s not much here except the one lunar base, so this is perfect for the writer who can’t seem to get away from all the distractions and hussle and bussle of their everyday life to finish that elusive novel or screenplay. And even if you die before you finish, we can always just clone you and get them to do it.

Prices: Ryanair are currently having a sale on flights to the Moon, with costs starting at €1. However, this is one-way, non-inclusive of charges for taxes, luggage handling, fuel costs or seat services. With all this added, and with a return flight, it’ll cost approx €100 million. Alternatively, just pay it one-way, and get your clone to pay for the return flight.

LV-426

Distance from Earth: You’ll be asleep for most of it, so what does it matter?

Why LV-426?: This resort is the place to be for the action-adventure seeking traveller. On top of the fact that you will be constantly running from something (explosions, xenomorphs, mother issues), you will also be rock-climbing your way to ancient artifacts (see above) and using team-building exercizes to, well, survive! LOL!

Fun!

Local Amenities: On top of all the keep-fit possibilites, you’ll also get to use Power Loaders, flame-throwers, fourteen different types of grenade, motion trackers and remote controls for massive spaceships! This really is the choice du jour for all you adrenaline junkies!

Prices: There are two options for travelling to LV-426, and again, one of them involves the military (so, free). The other involves becoming an employee of Weyland-Yutani, volunteer to become a colonist, and move there. This choice does have alot of fine print, most of which involves signing away your inner organs to be used as an incubation chamber for baby aliens. Also; insurance is not offered with this particular resort.

HOTH

Distance from Earth: Far, far away.

Why Hoth?: Aspen. Nepal. Alps. You’re thinking too small! Hoth is a snow-covered planet, and it stays that way ALL YEAR! Think of all that primo-powder, man! Rad! Currently only inhabited by Tauntauns (smelly) and Wampas (cranky), as well as a small rebel base, the entire snowball is your ice-ster!

Local Amenities: As well as the usual skiing, snowboarding, bob-sleighing and collapsing from exhaustion and using local animals’ intestines for warmth, there is also underground accommodation provided by The Rebel Alliance. They don’t ask for deposit on the room, but they do ask that you shoot at least one AT-AT Walker as a way of paying your way.

Prices: While initally the price might seem quite low, you will notice that you will become highly invested in it. But then, just when you think its perfect, they tear it down, rebuild it from scratch and basically destroy everything what you enjoyed about the resort in the first place. (All proceeds go to Lucas Incorporated)

PLANET OF THE APES

Distance from Earth: N/A

Why Planet Of The Apes?: Despite the unfriendly locals, there is still plenty to like about this pla– wait a second…

Oh my God. I'm back. I'm home.

Local Amenities: You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Prices: I guess you finally made a monkey out of me…

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The Expendables

Thursday, 14 October 2010 by Ciaran McNamee

 

 

Unlike a lot of Christian Bale movies, The Expendables doesn’t star a man with no emotional range who pushed his mother down a stairs. No, this one stars Sylvester Stallone in the role he plays best – the 80′s.

Sly Sylvester “the Italian Stallion” Stallone is back…again…with basically the same film he always makes. “Random Action Crap 4″ it might as well have been called, followed by a picture of a man blowing up a toilet with a gun. Not that it’s entirely serious. Unlike the recently released Rambo First Blood 6 “Revenge of the War”, this movie knows it’s retarded.

There’s quite an amazing cast. Not that a lot of acting gets done. I mean, they kinda just stand around and kick shit. In one sense the cast includes an Oscar winning writer, some of the highest paid stars in Hollywood as well as the Governor of the U.S. state of California, but in another sense it’s basically a list of actors people haven’t taken seriously in 20 years.

The biggest issue I’ve got with the film is that it isn’t particularly a comedy. There are slow scenes with Mickey Rourke painting and talking about his life, where ironically Mickey Rourke talking about his actual life would be more interesting. If you went into this movie in your French beret, with a cigarette-holder in one hand, the collected works of Wittgenstein in the other and expected to be moved…well that was your fault. But if you went in expecting comedy, you’ll be disappointed by the great number of non-comedic scenes.

True Lies worked because it was funny. The audience was laughing with James Cameron.

There isn’t the same purpose here. It lacks direction, as if a guy who couldn’t speak properly wrote it. This isn’t quite the academic point it might seem (“ac-a-dem-ic” means stuff you learn in dem fancy colleges for any hardcore fans reading this) as it kinda falls between two stools.

Jason Statham. I don’t know why but I kinda prefer the crappy every-man Jason, the kind of guy he played in Snatch, to the saving the world Jason. I guess he looks like the sort of guy your dad might hang out with. I mean I know he’d kick my ass, and works out and that – but if Stallone and Schwarzenegger look as though they’d rather be flying through the air with a bus load of school children on their back on their way to the Martian City of Elders, Statham looks as though he’d rather be watching the premier league in a dingy pub somewhere in Manchester.

For the action scenes we have a lot of the same swirly confusing camera “which ones Stallone, which ones Megatron” crap. It deserves to be said that there are some good action scenes too, but only in the way a barrel of sewage might contain the occasional edible trout.

What’s curious about the Expendables is that it’s not really a parody. You go in (I went in) thinking it’s going to be a send up of action movies, but it really isn’t. There are serious scenes and ultimately this is the movie’s greatest weakness. If you want an action film, go elsewhere. If you want a comedy, go elsewhere. If you want an action comedy film, see True Lies.

Reviewing this movie kinda feels like telling a clown to straighten his dickey-bow. But like deciding to hold a child’s birthday party at an accountancy firm, someone made the decision that it needed to be an actual film. I basically arrived for stickers and party-bags but then someone said we could only play pass the parcel between lectures on double-entry book keeping.

 

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How To Get Famous!

Wednesday, 25 August 2010 by Rory Cashin

Are you a hot young wannabe who is looking for the fast-track to fame, but you don’t want to break your moral code and do nasty things on the casting couch? Are you a has-been borderline celeb who is looking for a way back onto the cover of the National Enquirer? Well, let Half A Giraffe help you! We’ve compiled a list of the must-do’s and must-have’s if you want to get famous… and STAY famous!

Rehab

When it comes to rehab, there are only two things that matter. The first is what you’re in rehab for.  Alcohol has been done to death, and sex addiction was all the rage there for a while, but its run its course. Drugs are due for a massive comeback, with cocaine due to make a kitschy return to fashionable. Beat the rush and stock up now before the price by gram sky-rockets!

The second thing that matters is where you rehab. Betty Ford Clinics are for the really old (30′s and over), so right now its all about isolated islands in the middle of the Caribbean. Although we have just got word that they’ve opened up a new “detoxicification station” just on the rim of the active volcano Erebus in Antarctica, so that could be worth looking into.

Sex Tape

The list of celebrities who have appeared in a sex tape reads like a Venn Diagram of the most popular and the most talented people in Hollywood: Paris Hilton, Colin Farrell, Pamela Anderson, Fred Durst, Kim Kardashian, Verne Troyer… Basically everyone you’ve ever wanted to be. And up until recently, sex tapes were a surefire way of getting publicity, and then Dustin Diamond came along and wrecked it for everyone. But there is a way of salvaging this effort, by taking the Lindsay Lohan idea of fauxmosexuality and doing a lesbian sex tape. Unfortunately for all you guys out there, doing a gay sex tape isn’t going to work because Hollywood doesn’t want its leading men out and proud.

Entirely unrelated to my previous sentence.

You’re just going to have to wait til 2017 when bisexuality is “in” again. These things are cyclical, there’s charts and algorhythms and everything. Its all very Fashionating!

Prison Sentence

We’re not saying you should go murder someone and get sentenced to life imprisonment (because thats not going to help anybody), but maybe just a little traffic violation stuff, or drug misdemeanours, something cute like that. Ladies, we don’t want you coming out in 30 days time with shank scars on your face, and guys, we certainly don’t want you coming out with a new found fear of dropping soap in the shower.

A few weeks out of the spotlight might actually do you some good. Maybe you could write your memoirs? Take up a new hobby? Try out that new fad that everyone is on about? (This season its all about the Paleolithic Diet.) The world is your oyster!

Retirement

This choice may seem like an oxymoron, but there’s nothing the public wants more than what they can’t have. The second you announce your retirement, your back catalogue will start flying off the shelves like hot cakes. How many times has Jay-Z retired now? Four? Seventeen? We’ve lost count. But every time he unretires, his comeback album goes platinum and he makes a shitload of money. The guy knows how to retire.

But its no longer an old mans game. Stars are retiring at a younger and younger age now, with Amanda Bynes (24), Michael Cera (22) and Hilary Duff (23) all talking about bowing out from the employment racket. Our advice to you would be to get famous as young as possible, so you can quit showbusiness in your mid-to-late teens. Any later than that and you may already be too old to retire.

Insanity

This option for fame is cutting edge, and is currently being proto-tested by only one celebrity so far. The documentary “I’m Still Here: The Lost Years of Joaquin Phoenix” is currently doing the festival rounds, so we won’t know how effective a form of fame-mongering it is until later this year.  There is some confusion as to whether or not Mel Gibson and Christian Bale are also applying themselves to the Insanity Method, but after some investigations it turns out that they are, in fact, just a couple of dickheads.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, your five-step plan to easy famous-ness. If it all goes horribly wrong though, do us a favour and keep us out of the suicide note.

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