Half A Giraffe

The comedy stylings of the pleasantly deranged

Tag Archives: music

A Quick List Of People That Need To Go Away

Wednesday, 5 October 2011 by Rory Cashin

There are some people in this world who seem like the have earned the dues, who have worked hard to get to where they are, and who know when they’re (and more importantly, when they’re NOT) welcome to intrude upon their lives. None of these people will be present on the following list.

- Pitbull

Having titled his most recent album Planet Pit (ugh…), clearly Pitbull doesn’t think too highly of himself. But since his first album in 2004, he has released SIX albums, and this year alone, has released four singles of his own, and guest appeared on seven others. Go away.

- Katherine Heigl

Rotten Tomatoes scores of Heigl’s last four films; Killers (11%), Life As We Know It (28%), The Ugly Truth (14%), 27 Dresses (40%, hooray!). Next up is the rom-com New Years Day, the semi-sequel to Valentine’s Day (17%), and then One For The Money, from the director of The Last Song (20%) which is about a bounty hunter chasing down their ex, which sounds a lot like The Bounty Hunter (7%).

- will.i.am

Almost single-handedly responsible for the failure of Cheryl Cole’s career, and also the introduction of the current trend in monotonous electro-dance-r’n'b hybrid that EVERY. SINGLE. SONG must sound like lately. He’s also thinking he can act (X-Men Wolverine: 37%) and is being hired as a creative director for Intel (WTF??). Top it all off with his new album title, The Black Einstein, and he’s changing his name to Zuper Blahq. Gross.

- Kate Hudson

Back to Rotten Tomatoes: A Little Bit Of Heaven (6%), Something Borrowed (14%), Bride Wars (11%), Fool’s Gold (11%), My Best Friends Girl (14%), You Me & Dupree (21%), Raising Helen (23%), Alex & Emma (11%)… thats quite a track record. Remember to the girl from Almost Famous? What happened to her? We miss her. Come back when you’re her again.

- David Guetta

Think of every annoyingly catchy song that seems to be played in every club and on every radio station every day for three months straight. There is a very good chance that Guetta was involved with it. There was a moment, some time in 2009, when it seemed like he was a good influence. But then, just like will.i.am, everything seemed to sound the same. Also, his song titles are the worst kind of generic, but we all look forward to future releases “Dance To This” and “Music Is Nice”.

Also shortlisted for expulsion from life:

- Lil’ Wayne. So far in 2011, Mister Wayne has appeared on over THIRTY different singles, not including any he has released himself. He’s done raps with Jennifer Lopez, Joe Jonas, Madonna and Mariah Carey. Isn’t there some kind of Rap Guy Respect Repo company out there hunting him down?

- Jack Black. His films seem to do rather well critically (five of his last eight movies scored over 70% on RT), but he himself… he is just draining. And when he gets it wrong (Gulliver’s Travels, Year One), its a cinematic train wreck. Take some time off, a few years maybe, then come back with a dramedy like Will Ferrell did with Stranger Than Fiction. Actually, come to think of it…

- Will Ferrell. Take another break, then come back with Even Stranger Than Fiction.

- RedOne, real name Nadir Khayat. There’s a very good chance you have no idea who he is, but he wrote and produced the following songs: “Just Dance”, “LoveGame”, “Poker Face”, “Bad Romance”, “Alejandro”, “Judas”… that’s right. RedOne is the person responsible for Lady GaGa’s popularity. We need to sort this problem out from it’s source.

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Rihanna; Bringer Of Doom

Monday, 14 March 2011 by Rory Cashin

Scientists across the world are performing studies to verify the threat of Rihanna upon mankind. The singer/actor/potential terrorist is being accused of releasing several contagions over the last few years into the general population, with many believing her worst attack is still to come.

Is this the face of the apocalypse?

Professor Jonathan Winklebottom of Harvard’s Dept. Of Biological Weaponry released the following statement:

“We’ve been following Miss Robyn “Rihanna” Fenty’s actions for the last six years and have come to the conclusion that she is a threat to the well being of our and every other nation worldwide. With her early attempts at unsettling with “Pon De Replay” and “SOS”, we didn’t pay much attention. But since “Umbrella” in 2007, there has been a steady stream of attacks with the likes of “Don’t Stop The Music”, “Disturbia”, “Take A Bow”, and then there was “Rude Boy”, which almost brought the world to it’s knees last year. And just as the population was recuperating, she heartlessly set “S&M” upon us. Our defences were still down, we had no way to protect ourselves. It was game over.”

Medical professionals across the world have united and verified the following symptoms as evidence to exposure to The Rihanna Syndrome:

- increased temperature.

- lose of control of limbs.

- tone deafness.

- entire body vibrations.

- some psychological issues, including but not exclusive to, the belief that you are the sexiest person on the dancefloor and that everyone wants to have sex with you while you are ”singing” and “dancing” to this “song”.

A cluster of Level 5 cases.

In order to put a stop to this contagion, the UN has issued rewards for the capture or killing of Timbaland, The Neptunes, StarGate, David Guetta, RedOne or any other previous collaborator with the woman who is representing the downfall of mankind. Eminem and Nicki Minaj have already been publicly beheaded to prove that the governments of the world are taking this threat very seriously, whilst Jay-Z is currently on death row, awaiting an execution inventive enough to pay for his crimes of rhyming “No clouds in my storms” with “Coming down like the Dow Jones”.

Meanwhile, Rihanna is continuing the infect the population around the globe under the guise of a “World Tour”, and the W.H.O waits with baited breath for the release of her latest earworm pandemic, tentatively titled “Metaphor For Cock.” Our prayers and thoughts go out to all affected by this tragedy, especially the family of the head of FEMA, who when reached for a statement, responded with:

“Na na na na, come on… Na na na na, come on…”

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YouTube Party! (TM)

Thursday, 7 October 2010 by Rory Cashin

So, you’re having a house party? Or just having a few friends over for some pre- or post- pub drink? You’re trying your best to be funny and clever and interesting, but eventually it happens to us all, and someone says those dreaded words:

“Oh, have you seen this thing on YouTube?”

And thats its. Your party is over. You might think its actually being saved, and your laptop is merely a hub for your guests to centre around and not be bored. But trust me, you’re wrong. The party is over. You should just tell everyone to leave right now before it gets any worse. But you won’t. You want the company. You want to be the host(ess) with the most(est). Well, if this has happened to you, you can expect your new YouTube Party! (TM) to go one of these four ways:

1. Funny Videos!

“Oh my God! Have you seen the video of the baby biting his brother’s finger??” Why yes, yes I have. And so has over 235 million other people. If you insist on taking your YouTube Party! (TM) down the funny videos route, then you really need to be careful with your suggested viewing. The following is a list of videos you CAN NOT recommend:

- anything you’ve seen on Facebook.

- anything you’ve linked to from Twitter.

- anything you’ve been e-mailed.

- anything mentioned on South Park.

- anything in a show hosted by Alex Zane or narrated by Justin Lee Collins.

- anything ever brought up in a conversation.

If you do pick a video from any of the above, you’ll be seen as being totally out of date, and may be asked to leave the YouTube Party! (TM) Instead, to show that you are still “with it”, you should investigate the eastern European version of YouTube and find their hiddens gems of weird animations, subtitled parodies of massive Hollywood blockbusters and unique ways of injurying themselves.

Failing that, you should just consider making your funny videos and keep them on a private page, keeping them to yourself until the next YouTube Party! (TM) Or, failing that, just link them to halfagiraffe.tv and instantly become the funniest, most intelligent and sexiest person at the party.*

*scientifically proven

2. Music Videos!


This is possibly the trickiest of the different types of YouTube Party! (TM) you can have. You are basically telling all of your friends (and possibly a shitload of strangers, too) your music tastes, and if they don’t suit the mood of the party, then you could be shunned to the corner of the kitchen and left talking to the ugliest person there who has been asked to “look after the ice”.

So here’s the rules for the music video version of your YouTube Party! (TM):

- never EVER go first. Not only will you be setting the mood for the rest of the music, but you could put on something crap, and then nobody will want to follow you for fear of being somehow intrinsically related to you.

- nothing that is over 5 minutes long. People will get bored and hate you.

- nothing from Lady GaGa. Unless you are at an all female or homosexual male house party, in which case go nuts!

- any of the following will get you instant “Kudos Points” (TM): Barry White, Janelle Monae,  Gorillaz, Beck, Ok Go, Johnny Cash, LCD Soundsystem.

Don’t forget that you’re showing Music Videos, not just playing a song. Just as much thought should be put into the video itself, since people will most likely be too drunk to talk and want to sit their silently looking at the visuals. If you are at an all male house party, anything by pretty much any hip-hop artist will go down a storm because they are usually full of scantily clad women. If you are at a mixed YouTube Party! (TM), then put on something with an awesome and unique music video (see: Hot Chip, Bjork, etc), but try not to be that guy who is constantly saying “Nooo! You’re not looking at it! LOOK AT IT!”

3. Personal Videos!

“Oh, quick, I just remembered something! Me and (blah) and (blah) went to Cork last summer and we recorded this fucking HILARIOUS video on my iPhone! You HAVE to see this!”

Let me just save you some time here:

- you’re not funny when you’re sober.

- you’re especially not funny when you’re drunk.

- we hate your friends (blah) and especially (blah).

- we can’t make out whats going on. You decided to record this on your phone in a night club (dark) filled with random massive strobe lights (very bright), and during recording, you didn’t stop moving once (blurry) and are shouting over the entire thing (distorted).

- please leave.

If you insist on showing us your videos, then please make sure they involve either someone falling over or stepping in some kind of doody. If it’s from a Florence & The Machine gig you went to last month, we can find LITERALLY A MILLION other, better videos from the same gig. If it’s a close up of you and your mates in Vegas/Ibiza/Thailand, just shouting into the phone “WE’RE IN VEGAAAAAASSSSS/IBIIIIIIIIIIIIZA/THAAIIIIIIILLAAAAAAAAND!”, then thats funny for about four seconds, and then we long for your death.

Just…. don’t.

4. Sexy Videos!

So you’re all pretty drunk by now, and you have completely drained YouTube of it’s pools of comedy and music. There is only one use left for internet at this point, and it is to turn people on. When the sexy video portion of your YouTube Party! (TM) kicks off, you need to be aware of your placement in the party. Note: this is from a straight male’s perspective in a mixed party. Other genders and sexualities will need to alter some of these rules as deemed necessary:

- don’t be the closest one to the computer. For so many obvious reasons, I won’t go into them here.

- don’t be the furthest one from the computer. People will think you’re hiding your boner.

- don’t sit between two other males. It’ll be beyond awkward.

- someone at the party you like? Make sure they can see you directly. Try to make eye contact with them, in a “This is kinda funny, isn’t it?” way, and if they respond in a “Yeah, but I’m still watching” way, then you’re in. If they respond in a “This is sick, you’re all SICK!” way, then she is no fun, and you’re better off without her, buddy!

- DO NOT LET A WOMAN NEAR THE COMPUTER! Before you know it, Robert Pattinson’s naked ass will be up there and your party will be officially over.

- try to keep it tasteful. While YouTube has some restrictions up, if you really go looking, you could probably find something on there pretty risque. But we’re just here to have fun, not freak or gross people out. Keep the hardcore stuff til you’re by yourself. The first person who suggests RedTube or XTube or any of the other porn versions of YouTube needs to leave immeadietly. Unless its the chick you’re checking out. In which case, everyone else needs to leave.

And thats it folks. I hope these guidelines will help you out with your next YouTube Party! (TM) and that it goes down a storm. If you do get some Kudos Points (TM) or hook up with some hot girl/guy, just remember to send us some good thoughts* in gratitude.

*good thoughts = money

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Posted in Staff Writer |

How To Get Famous!

Wednesday, 25 August 2010 by Rory Cashin

Are you a hot young wannabe who is looking for the fast-track to fame, but you don’t want to break your moral code and do nasty things on the casting couch? Are you a has-been borderline celeb who is looking for a way back onto the cover of the National Enquirer? Well, let Half A Giraffe help you! We’ve compiled a list of the must-do’s and must-have’s if you want to get famous… and STAY famous!

Rehab

When it comes to rehab, there are only two things that matter. The first is what you’re in rehab for.  Alcohol has been done to death, and sex addiction was all the rage there for a while, but its run its course. Drugs are due for a massive comeback, with cocaine due to make a kitschy return to fashionable. Beat the rush and stock up now before the price by gram sky-rockets!

The second thing that matters is where you rehab. Betty Ford Clinics are for the really old (30′s and over), so right now its all about isolated islands in the middle of the Caribbean. Although we have just got word that they’ve opened up a new “detoxicification station” just on the rim of the active volcano Erebus in Antarctica, so that could be worth looking into.

Sex Tape

The list of celebrities who have appeared in a sex tape reads like a Venn Diagram of the most popular and the most talented people in Hollywood: Paris Hilton, Colin Farrell, Pamela Anderson, Fred Durst, Kim Kardashian, Verne Troyer… Basically everyone you’ve ever wanted to be. And up until recently, sex tapes were a surefire way of getting publicity, and then Dustin Diamond came along and wrecked it for everyone. But there is a way of salvaging this effort, by taking the Lindsay Lohan idea of fauxmosexuality and doing a lesbian sex tape. Unfortunately for all you guys out there, doing a gay sex tape isn’t going to work because Hollywood doesn’t want its leading men out and proud.

Entirely unrelated to my previous sentence.

You’re just going to have to wait til 2017 when bisexuality is “in” again. These things are cyclical, there’s charts and algorhythms and everything. Its all very Fashionating!

Prison Sentence

We’re not saying you should go murder someone and get sentenced to life imprisonment (because thats not going to help anybody), but maybe just a little traffic violation stuff, or drug misdemeanours, something cute like that. Ladies, we don’t want you coming out in 30 days time with shank scars on your face, and guys, we certainly don’t want you coming out with a new found fear of dropping soap in the shower.

A few weeks out of the spotlight might actually do you some good. Maybe you could write your memoirs? Take up a new hobby? Try out that new fad that everyone is on about? (This season its all about the Paleolithic Diet.) The world is your oyster!

Retirement

This choice may seem like an oxymoron, but there’s nothing the public wants more than what they can’t have. The second you announce your retirement, your back catalogue will start flying off the shelves like hot cakes. How many times has Jay-Z retired now? Four? Seventeen? We’ve lost count. But every time he unretires, his comeback album goes platinum and he makes a shitload of money. The guy knows how to retire.

But its no longer an old mans game. Stars are retiring at a younger and younger age now, with Amanda Bynes (24), Michael Cera (22) and Hilary Duff (23) all talking about bowing out from the employment racket. Our advice to you would be to get famous as young as possible, so you can quit showbusiness in your mid-to-late teens. Any later than that and you may already be too old to retire.

Insanity

This option for fame is cutting edge, and is currently being proto-tested by only one celebrity so far. The documentary “I’m Still Here: The Lost Years of Joaquin Phoenix” is currently doing the festival rounds, so we won’t know how effective a form of fame-mongering it is until later this year.  There is some confusion as to whether or not Mel Gibson and Christian Bale are also applying themselves to the Insanity Method, but after some investigations it turns out that they are, in fact, just a couple of dickheads.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, your five-step plan to easy famous-ness. If it all goes horribly wrong though, do us a favour and keep us out of the suicide note.

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Posted in Staff Writer |

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