So, you’re having a house party? Or just having a few friends over for some pre- or post- pub drink? You’re trying your best to be funny and clever and interesting, but eventually it happens to us all, and someone says those dreaded words:
“Oh, have you seen this thing on YouTube?”
And thats its. Your party is over. You might think its actually being saved, and your laptop is merely a hub for your guests to centre around and not be bored. But trust me, you’re wrong. The party is over. You should just tell everyone to leave right now before it gets any worse. But you won’t. You want the company. You want to be the host(ess) with the most(est). Well, if this has happened to you, you can expect your new YouTube Party! (TM) to go one of these four ways:
1. Funny Videos!
“Oh my God! Have you seen the video of the baby biting his brother’s finger??” Why yes, yes I have. And so has over 235 million other people. If you insist on taking your YouTube Party! (TM) down the funny videos route, then you really need to be careful with your suggested viewing. The following is a list of videos you CAN NOT recommend:
- anything you’ve seen on Facebook.
- anything you’ve linked to from Twitter.
- anything you’ve been e-mailed.
- anything mentioned on South Park.
- anything in a show hosted by Alex Zane or narrated by Justin Lee Collins.
- anything ever brought up in a conversation.
If you do pick a video from any of the above, you’ll be seen as being totally out of date, and may be asked to leave the YouTube Party! (TM) Instead, to show that you are still “with it”, you should investigate the eastern European version of YouTube and find their hiddens gems of weird animations, subtitled parodies of massive Hollywood blockbusters and unique ways of injurying themselves.
Failing that, you should just consider making your funny videos and keep them on a private page, keeping them to yourself until the next YouTube Party! (TM) Or, failing that, just link them to halfagiraffe.tv and instantly become the funniest, most intelligent and sexiest person at the party.*
2. Music Videos!
This is possibly the trickiest of the different types of YouTube Party! (TM) you can have. You are basically telling all of your friends (and possibly a shitload of strangers, too) your music tastes, and if they don’t suit the mood of the party, then you could be shunned to the corner of the kitchen and left talking to the ugliest person there who has been asked to “look after the ice”.
So here’s the rules for the music video version of your YouTube Party! (TM):
- never EVER go first. Not only will you be setting the mood for the rest of the music, but you could put on something crap, and then nobody will want to follow you for fear of being somehow intrinsically related to you.
- nothing that is over 5 minutes long. People will get bored and hate you.
- nothing from Lady GaGa. Unless you are at an all female or homosexual male house party, in which case go nuts!
- any of the following will get you instant “Kudos Points” (TM): Barry White, Janelle Monae, Gorillaz, Beck, Ok Go, Johnny Cash, LCD Soundsystem.
Don’t forget that you’re showing Music Videos, not just playing a song. Just as much thought should be put into the video itself, since people will most likely be too drunk to talk and want to sit their silently looking at the visuals. If you are at an all male house party, anything by pretty much any hip-hop artist will go down a storm because they are usually full of scantily clad women. If you are at a mixed YouTube Party! (TM), then put on something with an awesome and unique music video (see: Hot Chip, Bjork, etc), but try not to be that guy who is constantly saying “Nooo! You’re not looking at it! LOOK AT IT!”
3. Personal Videos!
“Oh, quick, I just remembered something! Me and (blah) and (blah) went to Cork last summer and we recorded this fucking HILARIOUS video on my iPhone! You HAVE to see this!”
Let me just save you some time here:
- you’re not funny when you’re sober.
- you’re especially not funny when you’re drunk.
- we hate your friends (blah) and especially (blah).
- we can’t make out whats going on. You decided to record this on your phone in a night club (dark) filled with random massive strobe lights (very bright), and during recording, you didn’t stop moving once (blurry) and are shouting over the entire thing (distorted).
- please leave.
If you insist on showing us your videos, then please make sure they involve either someone falling over or stepping in some kind of doody. If it’s from a Florence & The Machine gig you went to last month, we can find LITERALLY A MILLION other, better videos from the same gig. If it’s a close up of you and your mates in Vegas/Ibiza/Thailand, just shouting into the phone “WE’RE IN VEGAAAAAASSSSS/IBIIIIIIIIIIIIZA/THAAIIIIIIILLAAAAAAAAND!”, then thats funny for about four seconds, and then we long for your death.
4. Sexy Videos!
So you’re all pretty drunk by now, and you have completely drained YouTube of it’s pools of comedy and music. There is only one use left for internet at this point, and it is to turn people on. When the sexy video portion of your YouTube Party! (TM) kicks off, you need to be aware of your placement in the party. Note: this is from a straight male’s perspective in a mixed party. Other genders and sexualities will need to alter some of these rules as deemed necessary:
- don’t be the closest one to the computer. For so many obvious reasons, I won’t go into them here.
- don’t be the furthest one from the computer. People will think you’re hiding your boner.
- don’t sit between two other males. It’ll be beyond awkward.
- someone at the party you like? Make sure they can see you directly. Try to make eye contact with them, in a “This is kinda funny, isn’t it?” way, and if they respond in a “Yeah, but I’m still watching” way, then you’re in. If they respond in a “This is sick, you’re all SICK!” way, then she is no fun, and you’re better off without her, buddy!
- DO NOT LET A WOMAN NEAR THE COMPUTER! Before you know it, Robert Pattinson’s naked ass will be up there and your party will be officially over.
- try to keep it tasteful. While YouTube has some restrictions up, if you really go looking, you could probably find something on there pretty risque. But we’re just here to have fun, not freak or gross people out. Keep the hardcore stuff til you’re by yourself. The first person who suggests RedTube or XTube or any of the other porn versions of YouTube needs to leave immeadietly. Unless its the chick you’re checking out. In which case, everyone else needs to leave.
And thats it folks. I hope these guidelines will help you out with your next YouTube Party! (TM) and that it goes down a storm. If you do get some Kudos Points (TM) or hook up with some hot girl/guy, just remember to send us some good thoughts* in gratitude.
*good thoughts = money
Tags: funny, internet, music, sexy, YouTube
Posted in Staff Writer |