After months and months of phone calls, emails, faxes and stalking impromptu meetings, we finally managed to secure an interview with Half A Giraffe’s all time greatest hero, and perhaps biggest influence, Razor Chandelier. For those of you who don’t know who Razor Chandelier is (and if you don’t, what rock have you been under?!), this is the man who began his career in front of the camera as a bit player in such classics as A Tale Of Two Titties and Schindler’s Fist, but it wasn’t long before he was headlining major titles such as In-Da-Penis Day and Jurassic Poke.
Always seen as something of a “pretty boy”, it wasn’t until he won Best Actor in the Pokey Awards for his portrayal of a disillusioned American visiting Tokyo in Lost In Menstration that people really started to sit up and take notice. Ever since then, he has been on something of a roll, mixing up award winning, critical darlings like A Cock-And-Lips Now with more laid back fare like National Pleasure.
What makes it even more exciting is that Razor allowed us to conduct the interview while on the set of his directorial debut. So we hopped on the first flight to Las Vegas, and just a few hours later found ourselves on a massive staging area dressed up to look like the innards of a massive casino. Everywhere we looked there were croupiers dealing cards at the Strip Snap table, rows of women playing the One Armed Bandit coin slot machines, but with naked men in the place of the actual machines, and a naked woman sprawled out in the centre of a massive roulette while… where she will land, nobody knows…
In the middle of all this madness is Razor, conducting the scene like a maesto, his wand waving this way and that. We catch his attention in a break between scenes (he is also the main star of the movie), and we try to get in a few questions…
Half A Giraffe: (start of tape) Hi, Razor. How are you doing today?
Razor Chandelier: Uhm… Hi. Hey… aren’t you that guy I seen going through my trash cans last week?
HaG: (laughs) Anyways Razor, we were wondering if you could talk to us a little bit about your first time taking the reigns, as it were.
RC: Sure… its called Oh, She’s Eleven. Its a bit of a risque project.
HaG: Could you tell us a bit about the… plot?
RC: I’m trying to keep it tightly underwraps at the moment, but its basically about this total slamming hottie, who’s like an eleven out of ten on the hottie scales, who is also a world class thief. And her ex boyfriend, me, is this casino owner. And I’ve just banged her sister and best friend in a threeway, so she’s out for revenge.
HaG: Oh. You don’t think that calling the film Oh, She’s Eleven could lead to some… confusion?
RC: Confusion? What kind of confusion?
HaG: (short pause) Never mind. So… that plot. Its quite… Shakespearian.
RC: Thats what I said! But audiences, they come for the action, but they stay for the story, ye know? I don’t like talking down to my audiences.
Guy: Razor! We need you back on set!
RC: Sorry guy, can we finish this in a bit?
Razor walks off back to the scene he’s in the middle of shooting. We try to keep up with him, but slip in a puddle on the way. As the realisation slowly dawns that, at best, this is a puddle of sweat or lube, we decide to take a shower. Whilst in there we get talking to a number of fluffers, who are currently in talks with their union to be re-named P.A.’s When asked how do they assistant the producers, we are told that the P in their P.A doesn’t stand for Producer. Then they giggled and left. The rest of the bathroom was basically a conveyor belt of cleaniness, with people coming in to wash different body parts at different levels of vigour, only to go back out to set and continue their daily grind.
A few minutes later, refreshed and clean (externally at least), we rejoin the set, and Razor calls us over to continue the interview. It is slightly odd as he is mid-action sequence, as it were. But he informs us that its an extreme close up of a particular arena of interest, and there is no sound recording, so we can talk freely.
HaG: Earlier you mentioned that you were attracted to this project because it was a risk. That seems to be something of a throughline for your career.
RC: Well, so many people told me that I’d made a huge mistake when I signed on to the remake of In Diana Jones, but it went on to make so much money. But then I got a bit cocky, and my quality radar took a bit of a dive.
HaG: Yes, there is the famous Daughterworld…
RC: Yeah, that was a mistake. But, ye know, I’m quite proud of my work in that film, and I’m sure in time, people will look back on that and regard it differently. And it wasn’t all bad, I learned so much on that film set. Its still all a learning experience, ye know?
HaG: And you’ve worked with some very talented people within the industry.
RC: I’ve had the privilege of working with the creme of the crop. I’ve developed a really good working relationship with Diddly Squat after we worked on Glad He Ate Her and Black Cock Down together. Before Black Cock Down, I thought I was untouchable, I was cock of the walk, ye know? But then I seen some of the other guys I was working with on that set… It really brought me back down to earth.
HaG: You’ve also famously turned down working with some very famous directors?
RC: Yeah, Girth Brooks offered me so much money, a ridiculous amount of money to star in The Meat-Tricks, but it was shooting at the same time as something else I’d already commited to (The Da Vinci Load). And then when I seen how well The Meat-Tricks did, I told him I’d star in whatever his next movie was gonna be.
HaG: Wasn’t his next movie Men In Black Men?
RC: Yes.
HaG: Were you in that?
RC: (pause) No.
HaG: Oh… How come?
RC: (long pause) Script issues.
Razor and his co-stars Keira’s Daily & Nightly switch positions so that they now resemble a slighly unfinished human origami figure, and Razor nods at us to continue.
HaG: Okay. You’ve also been at the forefront of some of the new frontiers in the industry.
RC: Yes, thats true. We’ve just finished shooting Ava-Hard, which’ll be in 3D, and I’ve done some voice acting work in an upcoming animated project (Bangbi), and I was also the producer on two documentary projects that should be doing the festival rounds soon. I’m very proud of them, actually. Bowling For Concubines and An Inconvinent Tooth, keep an eye out for them on the festival circuits!
HaG: Will do, Razor, will do. Just one last question.
RC: Sure, what is it?
HaG: Can we get your John Hancock?
RC: No problem. Have you got something for me to write it on?
HaG: (unzipping sounds, end of tape)
Tags: funny, movies, porn, sex
Posted in Staff Writer |