I recall when all those stupid rumours, if you can even call them that, started doing the rounds; that he wasn’t really black. Yes, he was African American, and he wasn’t white… but he wasn’t black. I thought it was a compliment, that they were saying he was a man to represent everyone. But he didn’t look at it that way. He took it personally. And ever since then, we’ve been living with his constant over-compensation for what he believes to be his inherent lack of “black-ness.” Especially when he heard that Bill Clinton is now being referred to as America’s First Black President. Sigh.
I remember we were on “Air Fizzle Uno” as he calls it, sitting up the front row; “no Rosa Parks shit for us”, watching a preview of Big Momma’s House 3, and he just keeps SCREAMING at the screen. I tried to remind him that this wasn’t an interactive experience, but his argument consisted of stuffing more KFC covered in hot sauce into his mouth. When he gets like that, there’s just no talking to him, so I decided to go to bed. But when I got to the bedroom, there are six large black men sleeping in it. They seemed vaguely recognizable, and when it clicked who they were, I stormed back out to him and asked him why D12 was sleeping in our bed. He then proceeded to tell me that they were his new entourage, and that he stole them from Eminem out of an act of solidarity, that Eminem shouldn’t be involved in “the black man’s game of rap.” I slept in the guest room.
When he keeps his issue to himself, thats one thing. But when it starts to spill out into other peoples’ lives, and into the public, thats when it becomes a real problem. I always try to keep up appearances, but thats getting harder and harder, especially since he has deleted all of my Diane Von Furstenberg and Max Mara contacts and replaced then with House of Dereon and J-Lo. And she’s not even black! She’s Puerto Rican! It doesn’t make any sense! And the other day I went to my jewellery box to pick out some non-offensive stepford pearls and almost passed out when I seen they were all replaced with a sudden influx of gold medallions and extra large hoop earrings.
Then there was the time he invited George W Bush over for an “informal meeting”, which usually means minimal press and an hour of face-time. I walked into the Oval Office with George and there he was, feet up on the desk, dressed in a purple Phat Farm tracksuit, and insisted George try to beat him in a game of EA Tiger Woods Golf. George, being the good sport he is, tried, and being the man he is, failed. At the end of the game, George managed to say “Congratulations Obama, the better man won-” before he was cut off. “George, Imma let you finish, but Imma be the greatest president of all time!” Suddenly realizing he was the Taylor Swift in the situation, George promptly left the Oval, and we haven’t seen or heard from him again since.
Even right now I can hear him in the other room, telling people that The Cleveland Show is the greatest tv show ever, and how “The only thing white about me is the house I live in, muthafuckahs!”, I can’t help but feel this will be a means to an end for his presidency. He’s already taken a knock because of Wesley Snipes. He used to go to Vegas with him for weekends at a time, always betting on black, getting drunk and calling him “My N-word!”, because even when drunk and surrounded by African Americans, he still can’t quite say it. And then that whole thing happened with Wesley skipping out on his taxes, and suddenly everything was sullen. “My N-word was stealin’ from me! His taxes are my salary, and he was keeping millions of it to himself! My N-word was stealin’ from me, dawg!” He was very upset about the whole ordeal, and just when he was starting to get over it, this whole BP thing has to happen. How am I supposed to tell everyone that the real reason that tanker was so close to the States is because he was trying to single handedly bring back the Jheri Curl and that Joe Biden told him that natural oil was better and cheaper than Soul Glo?!
I don’t think he can take that knock to his self-esteem. He’s already walking on thin ice with the red states who keeping mis-hearing Osama Bin Laden everytime someone says his name, and if they pick up on the fact that his middle name is Hussein, they might just burn the Capitol Building to the ground. Right, I think its time I started to get ready. We’re off to co-host the Best Kiss Award at this years MTV Movie Awards. This is what our life is now.
Posted in Staff Writer |