Everybody thinks (and 95% of magazines remind you) that losing weight and being skinny is pretty much the best thing a person can do with their life. If the number of abs is higher than the number of your IQ, then prepare yourself to simply coast through life on a light, fluffy cloud of admiration and casual sex.
But if you weren’t born with the genetics that shows off your awesome Trapezius muscles, but instead are of a more doughy physique, fear not. There are plenty of good reasons to stay that way.
1. The Gym
Cross trainers. Rowing machines. Step machines. Bicycles that aren’t really going anywhere. What appears to be over a million different types of weights. Never entirely sure if you’re using any of this equipment correctly. Knowing that one slip in your own massing puddle of sweat on the treadmill will send you flying across the room. The music they play in the gym is some kind of techno-house dub-step remix of Kylie Minogue, so you bring your own music, but you’re not sure anymore just how loud your exhaling, so you stop breathing altogether. Your face is getting red. You may be on the verge of passing out. This is supposed to be good for you.
Then there’s the swimming pool / jacuzzi / sauna trifecta of awkward social situations. You might just be in the pool for a little bit of a comedown paddle around, but you always seem to be in the same lane as the musclebound roided out bulldozer who has decided he’s going to be the next Michael Phelps, and if it’s necessary, he will swim right through you. But at least the pool has the pretense of fitness, whereas the jacuzzi and sauna are both just places you sit in your underwear (or not) in the company of strangers. Even the slightest glancing touch of a stranger will lead them to think that you want to bang them right there and then, but you can’t leave, because if you do they think you’re signalling them to join them in the changing room showers. So you’ve just condemned a stranger to an extra 20 minutes in the jacuzzi/sauna, because they won’t get out until they’re absolutely sure you’ve left the building.
So… you’re overweight. More than likely, this is because you like eating fatty foods and a lot of them. Which is fine, because all the best tasting food is fatty, so this is the price we pay. But if you want to get skinny, fatty, then you need to drop the fatty foods and pick up the fruits (ugh…) and the vegetables (UGH…) and go to town on those bad boys. But it’s not just that. You’ll find yourself checking the fat grams in EVERYTHING.
I’m not going to get into the whole Weight Watchers thing because after some study, I never got round to fully understanding it. (It’s something to do with points, right? Like… you can have 20 points? And if you don’t use them, they roll over? It’s like some kind of eating lottery, yeah?) Friends of mine who are/have been on diets are always in a good mood when they come back from the gym, or after an unhealthy long mirror staring stint, but when it comes to dinner time, that good mood is gone. Even my good mood is tainted when I see their pathetic little portion of rice-cake and chicken breast shavings. And they look at my chinese takeaway with a mixture of longing and hatred. And then when it comes to their “Treat Day”, Holy Mother of God….
3. Clothes Shopping
If you’re overweight, you probably have a lot of “comfortable” clothes that “fit” you, and that’s fine. If you suddenly lose all that weight, none of those clothes will fit you anymore, so you have to go buy new clothes. But now you don’t know what size you take anymore, so you’ve to try on loads of things. And if you’re still in the middle of your diet/workout plan, you still haven’t lost all the weight, so a few weeks from now, you’re going to have to go do it all again. Sounds like a lot of work to me.
Also, if you’re bigger boned, a lot of shops don’t stock clothes for you. Which can sometimes be a good thing, because if you need a near pair of jeans, you can go to one of the two shops that carry stock in XXXXXL. But if you’re now just a regular XL, you’ll find the world has opened up for you. And this can be overwhelming. Fashion is something that has a direct impact on your life now. There’s no point in losing all those X’s just to wear the same cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirt combo. But be careful you don’t go too far in the opposite direction, either…
4. It Is All Anyone Will Ever Want To Talk About Anymore
“Oh. My. GAWD! You look great! What have you been doing??!!” Compliments are awesome, and are the second greatest reason for losing weight, the first being you are now far more likely to be having sex with the person who is currently complimenting you. Unless you’re one of the unlucky few you looks super weird once they get skinny.
But hidden inside that compliment was an inquiry. They want to know how you went from a Jabba The Hut looking mess to this current Greek God(dess). They want to know, and they will do anything to find out. Anything.
You’ll tell them “Oh, you know, eat healthy and exercise…” No. No, this won’t do. They want specifics. They want to know what incline your treadmill was at. They want to know how many times you chewed the chicken shavings before you swallowed. They want the number of your liposuctionist because they don’t believe you got to be this way using nothing more than willpower.
And then come the invites. “Oh, you know the way you’re all into this health stuff now? Well, my neighbour is teaching a class in Tantric YoLates (that’s Yoga/Pilates, for all you outside of the know) and Asian Fusion ZumbaBoxing…” You have been warned.
5. For The Ladies
Your boobs will get smaller. Just FYI.
Posted in Staff Writer |