Half A Giraffe

The comedy stylings of the pleasantly deranged

Tag Archives: sexy

Five Reasons Not To Lose Weight

Friday, 9 September 2011 by Rory Cashin

Everybody thinks (and 95% of magazines remind you) that losing weight and being skinny is pretty much the best thing a person can do with their life. If the number of abs is higher than the number of your IQ, then prepare yourself to simply coast through life on a light, fluffy cloud of admiration and casual sex.

Its fair to assume that God does not love us all equally.

But if you weren’t born with the genetics that shows off your awesome Trapezius muscles, but instead are of a more doughy physique, fear not. There are plenty of good reasons to stay that way.

1. The Gym

Cross trainers. Rowing machines. Step machines. Bicycles that aren’t really going anywhere. What appears to be over a million different types of weights. Never entirely sure if you’re using any of this equipment correctly. Knowing that one slip in your own massing puddle of sweat on the treadmill will send you flying across the room. The music they play in the gym is some kind of techno-house dub-step remix of Kylie Minogue, so you bring your own music, but you’re not sure anymore just how loud your exhaling, so you stop breathing altogether. Your face is getting red. You may be on the verge of passing out. This is supposed to be good for you.

"I can feel the burn!"

Then there’s the swimming pool / jacuzzi / sauna trifecta of awkward social situations. You might just be in the pool for a little bit of a comedown paddle around, but you always seem to be in the same lane as the musclebound roided out bulldozer who has decided he’s going to be the next Michael Phelps, and if it’s necessary, he will swim right through you. But at least the pool has the pretense of fitness, whereas the jacuzzi and sauna are both just places you sit in your underwear (or not) in the company of strangers. Even the slightest glancing touch of a stranger will lead them to think that you want to bang them right there and then, but you can’t leave, because if you do they think you’re signalling them to join them in the changing room showers. So you’ve just condemned a stranger to an extra 20 minutes in the jacuzzi/sauna, because they won’t get out until they’re absolutely sure you’ve left the building.

2. Diet

So… you’re overweight. More than likely, this is because you like eating fatty foods and a lot of them. Which is fine, because all the best tasting food is fatty, so this is the price we pay. But if you want to get skinny, fatty, then you need to drop the fatty foods and pick up the fruits (ugh…) and the vegetables (UGH…) and go to town on those bad boys. But it’s not just that. You’ll find yourself checking the fat grams in EVERYTHING.

"How many calories are in this?"

I’m not going to get into the whole Weight Watchers thing because after some study, I never got round to fully understanding it. (It’s something to do with points, right? Like… you can have 20 points? And if you don’t use them, they roll over? It’s like some kind of eating lottery, yeah?) Friends of mine who are/have been on diets are always in a good mood when they come back from the gym, or after an unhealthy long mirror staring stint, but when it comes to dinner time, that good mood is gone. Even my good mood is tainted when I see their pathetic little portion of rice-cake and chicken breast shavings. And they look at my chinese takeaway with a mixture of longing and hatred. And then when it comes to their “Treat Day”, Holy Mother of God….

"GET! IN! MY! BELLY!"

3. Clothes Shopping

If you’re overweight, you probably have a lot of “comfortable” clothes that “fit” you, and that’s fine. If you suddenly lose all that weight, none of those clothes will fit you anymore, so you have to go buy new clothes. But now you don’t know what size you take anymore, so you’ve to try on loads of things. And if you’re still in the middle of your diet/workout plan, you still haven’t lost all the weight, so a few weeks from now, you’re going to have to go do it all again. Sounds like a lot of work to me.

Or maybe just buy a new belt.

Also, if you’re bigger boned, a lot of shops don’t stock clothes for you. Which can sometimes be a good thing, because if you need a near pair of jeans, you can go to one of the two shops that carry stock in XXXXXL. But if you’re now just a regular XL, you’ll find the world has opened up for you. And this can be overwhelming. Fashion is something that has a direct impact on your life now. There’s no point in losing all those X’s just to wear the same cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirt combo. But be careful you don’t go too far in the opposite direction, either…

I have no idea what gender of person this is.

4. It Is All Anyone Will Ever Want To Talk About Anymore

“Oh. My. GAWD! You look great! What have you been doing??!!” Compliments are awesome, and are the second greatest reason for losing weight, the first being you are now far more likely to be having sex with the person who is currently complimenting you. Unless you’re one of the unlucky few you looks super weird once they get skinny.

But hidden inside that compliment was an inquiry. They want to know how you went from a Jabba The Hut looking mess to this current Greek God(dess). They want to know, and they will do anything to find out. Anything.

You’ll tell them “Oh, you know, eat healthy and exercise…” No. No, this won’t do. They want specifics. They want to know what incline your treadmill was at. They want to know how many times you chewed the chicken shavings before you swallowed. They want the number of your liposuctionist because they don’t believe you got to be this way using nothing more than willpower.

And then come the invites. “Oh, you know the way you’re all into this health stuff now? Well, my neighbour is teaching a class in Tantric YoLates (that’s Yoga/Pilates, for all you outside of the know) and Asian Fusion ZumbaBoxing…” You have been warned.

5. For The Ladies

Your boobs will get smaller. Just FYI.

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Perspective; Part Two – Electric Bugaloo

Monday, 21 February 2011 by Rory Cashin

For anyone who may have missed it, here’s Part One.

Or, for short, I was at a party, it wasn’t going well.

So… Jennifer was not happy with me, and I didn’t know anyone else there, so I did what every man does when he feels uncomfortable; I made friends with the bar-man. One tip for my first drink caused him to start serving me doubles, which caused me to start seeing doubles.

I basically have two settings when drunk. One is happy, clappy, “Seriously man, I love you!” drunk. Dancing to every song that there is drunk. Overbearingly, suffocatingly unable to stop hugging people drunk. Imagine a teddy bear drunk on vodka and red bull, and you’re half way there. My other type of drunk is this:

I long for death...

Not good. And, unfortunately for me (and anyone within projectile vomiting range), I felt the latter of the two was beginning to take hold. To counteract this, I decided to dance. Dance away the blues. As if God had heard my thoughts and knows an opportunity when he sees one, a Conga-line suddenly formed in front of me.

I ran to it, and grasped on to the hips of the girl in front of me. She looked back at me in horror, but said nothing. She slowly faced forward, but even from the back of her head, I could tell she was super tense. I decided to show her she had nothing to worry about by kicking my legs from side to side, really getting into the Conga spirit. A girl got on the Conga line behind me, so I grabbed her hands and put them on my hips, regrabbed the girl’s hips in front of me, and recommenced with the high kicks.

Can you?

It was around then that the tiny part of my brain that was still sober began to notice some irregularities; like the fact that girls who didn’t want to touch my hips or vice versa, like the fact that I was the only male in this Conga line, like the fact that the Conga line was barely moving, like the fact that instead of Conga music the DJ was playing Happy Birthday… and then it hit me, and then the girl in front of me was gone, and then I realized I was now at the top of the 21 Kisses line, and I was facing Jordan. Who I didn’t know. Who was a guy.

It never occurred to me to ask Jennifer if Jordan was a guy or a girl, because you hear “Jordan”, you mentally picture two giant boobies. I was beginning to panic because I knew everybody in the room was looking at me. Jordan sat there on the chair, lipstick marks all over his face, looking at me in horrified confusion. So I did what I had to do… I walked up to him, shook his hand, handed him his wet pink slippers, and ran out of the party.

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Sexy Monsters!

Thursday, 13 January 2011 by Rory Cashin

Up until recently, cinema was a man’s world. Explosions, gun fights, boobies, gangsters, more explosions, violence, exploding boobies… fantastic. Women would come in now and again to catch the latest “Jennifer Aniston Can’t Find Real Love” movie or “Colin Firth Is Another Adorable Man” movie, but by and large, men owned the cinema. And then Twilight happened.

Women came in their droves, and in one fell swoop, vampires and werewolves were no longer scary, and cinema was swiped from under the noses of men. And as the Twilight films keep being knocked out at a rate of one a year, along comes Red Riding Hood, due out in 2011, a re-telling of that story, but with a werewolf, being played by this dude:

And without doubt, that movie will make a butt-load of money too. And if Sexy Monsters is what you want, then Sexy Monsters is what you’re gonna get. Here are some Half A Giraffe suggestions:

Frankenstein’s Monster!

In our version, Frankenstein would be played by Dr. Jessica Simpson, and she would make her “monster” by piecing together various parts from the world’s most handsome men, who would then be played by Ryan Reynolds. The local village folk would be disgusted at this example of human perfection, and demand it be destroyed. What will Dr. Simpson do; will she follow her brain and destroy this unparalleled specimen, or follow her heart and fall in love with “it”? In cinemas, July 4th 2013.

The Mummy!

Explosion At Toilet Roll Factory. Man Missing, Presumed Dead...

Professor Lindsay Lohan, head of the field of Egyptology, discovers the mummified remains of a former Pharaoh, and accidentally brings it back to life. After a slight misunderstanding wherein the mummy kills all of her team, she brings it back to America in hopes of rehabilitating him for modern life. And as the mummy learns to live (and possibly love?) in the 21st century, more and more of its bandages fall off to reveal… Paul Walker! This movie is to be directed by Oliver Stone.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde!

Schizophrenia is Sexy!

Psychologist Pamela Anderson has just agreed to see a new patient, Doctor Alex Jekkyl (played by George Clooney), who might be suffering from bi-polar disorder. Then, in the middle of one of their sessions, Dr Hyde takes a fit, and turns into Mister Harrison Hyde (played by Brad Pitt). Over the course of their sessions, the psychologist finds herself falling in love with both sides of this person, and she must decide whether to cure Jekkyl of his problems, or continue having the weirdest ménage à trois in history.

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Dance Lessons

Thursday, 16 December 2010 by Rory Cashin

There is nothing within the social spectrum that causes more discomfort than the prospect of dancing. Now, don’t get us wrong, under the right circumstances and the correct amount of alcohol, dancing is sometimes the greatest thing that has ever been thought up by mankind. But outside of these oh-so-exact conditions, the dance can be this daunting, intimidating THING that cannot be easily defeated.

So, in light of this, we’ve decided to help you folk out. The following are some handy rules and guides that should assist you, so that the next time you suddenly find yourself on a dancefloor, you don’t collapse into the fetal position and rock back in forth in time with whatever song happens to be playing at the time.

Are you a man? This isn't you.

- No matter how good a dancer you are, you should never dance too good. If you’re a woman and you dance too good, then you are a whore*. If you’re a man and you dance too good, then you are a gay*. Or black*. (But for some reason, not a black gay).

- As an extension of the above rule, you should not try to get your dance on properly in front of your co-workers or employers. Generally, an office party will happen somewhere that has some pretty MOR music, so the generally accepted “dance-move” is to stand still, with your arms around the shoulders of anyone standing beside you, while you scream along to whatever song is on at that moment. Do NOT show off, as your boss will think your heart is really in your dancing career, and will fire you in an attempt to help you “pursue your true dream”.

- However, if you find yourself in the situation where your dance moves are going down a storm with your workmates / girlfriend / etc, you may find that there will be someone who takes this as reason enough to believe that they too can dance. Common perpetrators of this are (A) your boss, (b) your girlfriend’s ugly ass best friend (c) your friends / workmates new girlfriend. You will be central to their newfound dance bravery, and this is dangerous. In this situation, utilize the right handed “drinky-drinky” hand motion, nod casually towards the bar, and run.

Are you a woman? This isn't you.

- If you’re on a first date that is going well, and you migrate from the pub to the club, do not take this as a safe environment to bust our your moves. In fact, dancing without the help of an instructor should not be attempted with a potential partner until well after you have had sex with them. You need to thread the fine line between “funny party animal” and “overexcited closet disco karaoke lover” very carefully. Lets not forget that dancing is connected to sex, and dancing alone is far more enjoyable that sexing alone.

- Things that should be easy to dance to, but aren’t: salsa music, anything by Prince, any song with the N-word in it.

- Things that should never see the light of day: The Worm, pelvic thrust action for more than 3.5 seconds, The Running Man.

- Things that are easy to dance to, but you shouldn’t; line dancing, anything by Lady GaGa, any song with the N-word in it.

- As a rule, dances that you would never do at home on your own are perfectly acceptable to perform in public, e.g. The Macarana, YMCA, the entire routine to Grease Lightning.

Lyrics are printed on the back.

- Tips for Women: it is important that you never launch into a serious dance routine as learned in a dance class / on a Wii game / actual music video footage. You will never be as good as you think. Other women will hate you. Men will think you are easy, try it on, find out your a frigid bitch and you will end up eating curry chips barefoot with your shoes on the table in a chipper. Alone.

- Tips for Men: if you are in the tiny percentile of men who happen to be able to dance while still maintaining a fragment of cool, and you think you’re up to it, then you should get all your closeted dancing urges out in a hip-hop club. However, beware of dance-offs (yes, they actually do happen) as there are only three possible outcomes: (1) you’ll get served so badly that you have the leave the club immediately, your girlfriend will dump you and your boss will fire you. (2) you will badly injure yourself trying to keep up with the ungodly flexible black man. (3) somehow you beat the black man and you will be viewed as a racist, keeping the black man down.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!

- If all these tips seem a bit daunting, thankfully none other Will Smith has also decided to help out on the topic by, ironically, writing a DANCE song about it.

(* If you happen to be a whore, black man or gay man, then literally none of the above will apply to you, and you have earned your right to dance to whatever you want, whenever and wherever you want.)

Special thanks to Elaine Daly for helping me with the post.

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YouTube Party! (TM)

Thursday, 7 October 2010 by Rory Cashin

So, you’re having a house party? Or just having a few friends over for some pre- or post- pub drink? You’re trying your best to be funny and clever and interesting, but eventually it happens to us all, and someone says those dreaded words:

“Oh, have you seen this thing on YouTube?”

And thats its. Your party is over. You might think its actually being saved, and your laptop is merely a hub for your guests to centre around and not be bored. But trust me, you’re wrong. The party is over. You should just tell everyone to leave right now before it gets any worse. But you won’t. You want the company. You want to be the host(ess) with the most(est). Well, if this has happened to you, you can expect your new YouTube Party! (TM) to go one of these four ways:

1. Funny Videos!

“Oh my God! Have you seen the video of the baby biting his brother’s finger??” Why yes, yes I have. And so has over 235 million other people. If you insist on taking your YouTube Party! (TM) down the funny videos route, then you really need to be careful with your suggested viewing. The following is a list of videos you CAN NOT recommend:

- anything you’ve seen on Facebook.

- anything you’ve linked to from Twitter.

- anything you’ve been e-mailed.

- anything mentioned on South Park.

- anything in a show hosted by Alex Zane or narrated by Justin Lee Collins.

- anything ever brought up in a conversation.

If you do pick a video from any of the above, you’ll be seen as being totally out of date, and may be asked to leave the YouTube Party! (TM) Instead, to show that you are still “with it”, you should investigate the eastern European version of YouTube and find their hiddens gems of weird animations, subtitled parodies of massive Hollywood blockbusters and unique ways of injurying themselves.

Failing that, you should just consider making your funny videos and keep them on a private page, keeping them to yourself until the next YouTube Party! (TM) Or, failing that, just link them to halfagiraffe.tv and instantly become the funniest, most intelligent and sexiest person at the party.*

*scientifically proven

2. Music Videos!


This is possibly the trickiest of the different types of YouTube Party! (TM) you can have. You are basically telling all of your friends (and possibly a shitload of strangers, too) your music tastes, and if they don’t suit the mood of the party, then you could be shunned to the corner of the kitchen and left talking to the ugliest person there who has been asked to “look after the ice”.

So here’s the rules for the music video version of your YouTube Party! (TM):

- never EVER go first. Not only will you be setting the mood for the rest of the music, but you could put on something crap, and then nobody will want to follow you for fear of being somehow intrinsically related to you.

- nothing that is over 5 minutes long. People will get bored and hate you.

- nothing from Lady GaGa. Unless you are at an all female or homosexual male house party, in which case go nuts!

- any of the following will get you instant “Kudos Points” (TM): Barry White, Janelle Monae,  Gorillaz, Beck, Ok Go, Johnny Cash, LCD Soundsystem.

Don’t forget that you’re showing Music Videos, not just playing a song. Just as much thought should be put into the video itself, since people will most likely be too drunk to talk and want to sit their silently looking at the visuals. If you are at an all male house party, anything by pretty much any hip-hop artist will go down a storm because they are usually full of scantily clad women. If you are at a mixed YouTube Party! (TM), then put on something with an awesome and unique music video (see: Hot Chip, Bjork, etc), but try not to be that guy who is constantly saying “Nooo! You’re not looking at it! LOOK AT IT!”

3. Personal Videos!

“Oh, quick, I just remembered something! Me and (blah) and (blah) went to Cork last summer and we recorded this fucking HILARIOUS video on my iPhone! You HAVE to see this!”

Let me just save you some time here:

- you’re not funny when you’re sober.

- you’re especially not funny when you’re drunk.

- we hate your friends (blah) and especially (blah).

- we can’t make out whats going on. You decided to record this on your phone in a night club (dark) filled with random massive strobe lights (very bright), and during recording, you didn’t stop moving once (blurry) and are shouting over the entire thing (distorted).

- please leave.

If you insist on showing us your videos, then please make sure they involve either someone falling over or stepping in some kind of doody. If it’s from a Florence & The Machine gig you went to last month, we can find LITERALLY A MILLION other, better videos from the same gig. If it’s a close up of you and your mates in Vegas/Ibiza/Thailand, just shouting into the phone “WE’RE IN VEGAAAAAASSSSS/IBIIIIIIIIIIIIZA/THAAIIIIIIILLAAAAAAAAND!”, then thats funny for about four seconds, and then we long for your death.

Just…. don’t.

4. Sexy Videos!

So you’re all pretty drunk by now, and you have completely drained YouTube of it’s pools of comedy and music. There is only one use left for internet at this point, and it is to turn people on. When the sexy video portion of your YouTube Party! (TM) kicks off, you need to be aware of your placement in the party. Note: this is from a straight male’s perspective in a mixed party. Other genders and sexualities will need to alter some of these rules as deemed necessary:

- don’t be the closest one to the computer. For so many obvious reasons, I won’t go into them here.

- don’t be the furthest one from the computer. People will think you’re hiding your boner.

- don’t sit between two other males. It’ll be beyond awkward.

- someone at the party you like? Make sure they can see you directly. Try to make eye contact with them, in a “This is kinda funny, isn’t it?” way, and if they respond in a “Yeah, but I’m still watching” way, then you’re in. If they respond in a “This is sick, you’re all SICK!” way, then she is no fun, and you’re better off without her, buddy!

- DO NOT LET A WOMAN NEAR THE COMPUTER! Before you know it, Robert Pattinson’s naked ass will be up there and your party will be officially over.

- try to keep it tasteful. While YouTube has some restrictions up, if you really go looking, you could probably find something on there pretty risque. But we’re just here to have fun, not freak or gross people out. Keep the hardcore stuff til you’re by yourself. The first person who suggests RedTube or XTube or any of the other porn versions of YouTube needs to leave immeadietly. Unless its the chick you’re checking out. In which case, everyone else needs to leave.

And thats it folks. I hope these guidelines will help you out with your next YouTube Party! (TM) and that it goes down a storm. If you do get some Kudos Points (TM) or hook up with some hot girl/guy, just remember to send us some good thoughts* in gratitude.

*good thoughts = money

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