Out must come the smelly wellies, the moldy, beer-covered Tesco tents, and the oversized novelty hats and glasses; it’s that time of year again – music festival season! Derived from their pagan origins, Festivals have not changed much in recent years, and are a booze-filled, Bear-Grylls-esque survival adventure at the best of times.
Without power, heat, running water and a competitive battle for portaloos, it can get pretty tough out there, so Half a Giraffe has prepared a handy “10-Tips Survival Guide” for those planning on undertaking the great Stradbally/Punchestown/Castlepalooza/Flat Lake pilgrimage this year.
1. Festival goers get younger every year.
Young people are loud, high-pitched, and like silly things like Justin Bieber and Pokemon. Nobody wants that at a festival – not even Beiber himself. Gone are the days when everybody had the decency to be over 18; so be wary. Especially for those who are looking for a fleeting festival fling. Our advice? Card them. Card everyone. Be the sexy, shaved-headed bouncer of your own life.
2. Watch out for the looneys.
From the outside they may look alternative or “kookey”; just dressing up for the festival, getting into the spirit of things! Right? Wrong. This sub-group of society are misanthropic, and only leave the house with their odd uniforms & costumes for these festivals. They travel both alone and in packs, and are highly, highly dangerous. Avoid at all costs.
3. Always, ALWAYS bring a canoe.
4. Think outside the box…
A little ingenuity goes a very long way when managing under the tough conditions at a camping festival. The man above is even more clever than this photo shows, because what you can’t see, is the catheter!
5. Do NOT take drugs at a festival.
Pay for them. Stealing is very wrong, and drug dealers, just like the rest of us, are going through a recession too. It’s also customary to tip a dealer 15%, instead of the usual 10% at a festival, as a gesture of goodwill.
6. Make new friends.
Festivals are social events, so make the most of your expensive ticket and chat to everybody you can. Avail of the many “Free Hugs” that are on offer, as once the final band walk off stage on the Sunday night, the price will go back up to it’s usual cost of €40.
7. Don’t be a Stick-In-The-Mud
Loosen up. People aren’t holding you to the same set of moral values at a festival, than at, say, your prayer group; or Maynooth priest college or the like. Nah, it’s accepable to be at least 70% drunker and by proxy, 40% sluttier for females and 50% for males. Be careful not to exceed this, as is written in the fine print on the back of your ticket, because you will be publically flogged.
8. Wear sunglasses.
That way you’ll be vaguely more aware of what is real and what isn’t, when the mushrooms kick in.
10. Don’t let yourself get snapped in dodgy poses.
Sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, but the last thing you want is your granny –who’s learning computers down in the community center – to stumble across this when looking for curtain tassels.
And most importantly….