The following came through our electronic emailbox this morning. It was in the typewriting of an old friend of ours, Willard Fredrickson. He taught us all how to laugh first when we were discussing becoming a comedy group as young children. I present it here in its unedited form, as a sign of respect to our troubled, but wonderful mentor.
The Google Strangler
The Google Strangler has over a hundred victims already, and you could be next. “But how do you know?”, I hear you ask. “Shut the fuck up and listen so I can tell you”, you hear me retort.
TGS has been active since the early 80′s, though he was known as the Usenet Strangler back then. He started out on message boards, offering middle-aged men handjobs in exchange for giving him verbal abuse, but when they would meet face-to-face, he would simply strangle them to death instead. This may sound harmless enough, but it has escalated and is now way out of hand. I’ve been working on this case in an unofficial (and possibly illegal) capacity for the last three years and have pieced together enough of the story to bring it to the world and finally blow the lid right off.
The piddly stuff back in the early days where he would attack men in person individually is long since over and gone and over and done with and gone. With the advent of Web 2.0 and superhypermegafast bandwidth, he’s gone global, online and viral, attacking people en masse, like some sort of cyber-Hitler.
Before you scoff, this isn’t your run of the mill internet psycho, or some stupid spammy serial killer. TGS uses sophisticated, hi-tech methods. He has even killed a couple of high-profile celebrities. Heath Ledger, Michael Hutchins and David Carradine all fell into his honeytraps and paid the ultimate price.
What’s his MO? He attacks only men, and uses a lethal vector: Sex.
You may have had some close brushes with him already. Examine the following questionnaire.
- Have you ever felt flushed or short of breath when sitting at your computer?
- Have you ever felt compelled to touch yourself when sitting at your computer?
- Have you ever violated yourself in a public place because of things that came to you through your computer?
- Do you own a copy of Microsoft Office?
- Have you got a MySpace, Facebook, Bebo, Yahoo!, Google Buzz, Twitter, Meebo, Friendfeed, YouTube, Wikipedia, MSN, AOL, Jabber, Piratebay, iTunes or PayPal account?
- Have you ever felt compelled to strangle yourself at your computer out of rage or sexual arousal?
- Do you own a passport?
- If the answer to 7 is “Yes”, do you find the photograph attractive?
- If the answer to 8 is “Yes”, is it a picture of you?
- Has your computer ever gone on fire more than normal?
If you answered yes to any of the above and are still alive, then you have narrowly avoided being murdered by the internet’s most notorious secret murderer. Look out your window. Is that him? Of course not, now look back at your computer – there he is, right now, waiting for you to let your guard down. How can you protect yourself? That’s pretty simple:
- Wear tight clothing
- Put tiny papercuts in your hands and ensure your member is constantly soaked in lemon juice
- Watch a lot of coverage of our government – as much Brian Cowan as you can handle
- Send your computer to me for destruction
- Be a woman
- Get a girlfriend
- Be gay
Sure, I may be crazy, and sure, people scream “Manbearpig” at me as I cycle around handing out warning sweets to the kids, but I’m doing my bit, people. You can laugh at me all you want, but if I save you, or your son, or your son’s son from dying at this monster’s hands, then I’ll die a happy man, I’ll die laughing then.
UPDATE: Sadly, Willard was discovered dead in his apartment today. He was found naked, hanging in his wardrobe. The police are treating his death as unsuspicious. We have forwarded his communique to them in an effort to honour what was apparently his dying wish.
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